Monty Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven’t I been inside you?
Played by Ryan Reynolds 
Waiting... (2005) · 65 quotes
Waiting... (2005) · 65 quotes
Most-quoted character in Waiting... (2005): in 29 of its 65 quotes
A line from Monty [In the bathroom with Mitch, his shirt off]I know what you're thinking now. You think we're all gay, don't you? Think we're all just a bunch of deviant lifestyle-living same-sex having mother****ers, am I right? Well, listen. You can put that ****y baby to bed right now. None of the guys that work here are gay. [Puts his shirt back on] I mean, I'll stick my finger up my ass every now and then when I'm feeling a little squirelly, but that's about the extent of it.
More lines from Monty
19 quotes Monty Monty Come on, Mom. Of course I'm being safe. I pull out.
Monty You think I want to have kids? Absolutely not. That's why I stick to anal sex.
Monty Dean, doesn't my mom look old? I mean, much older than she rightfully should?
Monty Nothing worse than going to the back room for some condiments and ending up staring at a huge, steamy pile of ****. [Shudders]
Monty Mitch, you picked a ****-up night to start working here.
Monty I'd do her (Amy). Hell I'd probably even pay. [chuckles] ...I would.
Monty It's okay, I understand how it works. Birds of a feather flock to vagina.
Monty That's Naomi, and she's been working here WAY too long. But, she's actually a pretty sweet girl...when she's drunk.
Monty [Regarding Nick and T-Dog]
Those guys should be sterilized, and I'm not kidding at all.
Monty I guess we should feel some sort of guilt, but she broke the cardinal rule: Don't **** with people who handle your food.
Monty OH, WHAT-THE-****-EVER!
Monty Everyone knows that I'm orally fixated, and you can't deny that I played your vagina like a violin.
Monty With women, it's always one of two things. Either they won't sleep with you, and then there's really no need to ever call them again. Or they DO sleep with you... and then there's really no need to ever call them again.
Monty Women. They're so **** wiley.
Monty It's like a horrible time paradox, where neither our wisdom, nor your virginity ever escape.
Monty And as if some kind of slut magic, POOF, you appear at my door
Monty All right everybody, listen up, from here on out, Mitch is a made man. Anyone who has anything different to say, Nick and T-Dog will ****in' cut you!
Monty Did you see the tits at table 12?
Scenes with Monty
9 scenes Monty Hello, Natasha. How's my favorite little minor doing today?
Natasha Hungover. I got so shitfaced last night.
Monty On a school night? Kids today.
Monty [Amy returns from a tougue-lashing from The Bitch customer]
Women troubles, Amy?
Amy I don't understand what could cause someone to act like such a bitch to a total stranger!
Monty Maybe she was sexually abused as a child.
Amy Oh God, I **** hope so!
Monty Oh, Tyla, every time I see you, I wish I was a lesbian.
Tyla That's so interesting, because every time I see you, I'm glad I'm a lesbian.
Monty So, what do you think of Natasha?
Dean I think she's illegal.
Monty I know, I've made peace with that. But look at her. You just KNOW she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.
Dean [In Scooby-Doo voice]
Ratuatory rape!
Monty [To the chefs in the kitchen]
Gentlemen, we have got our first official bi-atch of the day!
Oh, come on, guys. She wasn't THAT bad, was she?
Monty Well, Amy, it's your table. [Holds his thumb out horizontally] The choice is yours.
Amy [The cooks hold their thumbs out in the same position as Monty]
She...[Starts to give a thumbs-up, but then switches to a thumbs-down] Is a **** bitch, DO IT!
[Cooks laugh as they prepare to sabotage The Bitch customer's food.]
You really are an asshole!
Monty Shenaniganz!
Mitch Hey, could you turn down the music for a minute?
Man
Hold on.
Mitch Would you turn the music down for a second?
Man
Dude, chill!
Mitch WOULD YOU TURN DOWN [Turns off the stereo himself] THE **** MUSIC!? JESUS! THIS IS **** BULLSHIT! I HAVE BEEN HERE ALL GODDAMN DAY AND YOU HAVEN'T LET ME SAY ONE THING! NONE OF YOU!!
Monty Well, damn, Mitch I-
Mitch Oh no, asshole, you shut the **** up now! It’s my turn to talk! You're all **** in the head! All of you!
Mitch [To Naomi]
I mean you! Change your **** tampon and have another drink, you crazy **** bitch!
Mitch [To Dean]
And you! “Waaah, I don’t know what to be when I grow up”! Join the **** Army or something! God damn!
Mitch [To Calvin]
Oh, and you... You know what? You're too easy.
Mitch [To Amy]
Oh and you, whining ALL GODDAMN DAY about Dean! You’re hot! Quit acting so **** pathetic!
Mitch [To Monty]
And you… **** YOU, MONTY! ALWAYS GOTTA BE RIGHT WITH YOUR LITTLE QUIPS! We get it man, you're **** edgy and cool! Yeah! You're the COOLEST **** GUY AT SHENANIGANZ! WHEEEEW!!! That’s like being the most smartest kid with Down syndrome! Oh yeah, and why aren’t you in jail? [To Natasha] I mean, what are you? 13, 14?
Monty She’s almost 18...
Mitch You know what? **** this! You all suck. I quit.
Mitch [Walks to the door and stops]
Oh, yeah. There is one more thing. [Points to Floyd] You. You are the biggest piece of shit in this entire restaurant and I hope you burn in Hell.
[Mitch bends over, and as everyone looks back at Mitch, they groan and exclaim in surprise]
THE GOAT! The Goat, you bastard!
Mitch [Mitch then pulls up his pants and walks out the door]
**** ****s.
Monty ...That was the SHIT! [runs after Mitch] Mitch! Mitch! Stop please. Look, look. Stop, stop. Okay I am sorry, and I hearby swear my undying allegiance to you. You are the **** man.
Monty Hello, sir. My name is Monty, this is my trainee, Mitch. How are you doing today?
Old man
I'm slipping gradually into senility.
Monty Really? [Takes a seat across from the old man] Do you consider that a good thing or a bad thing?
Old man
Well, it's a mixed bag. It's...good in the sense that I can take walks in my underwear. I can give small children the middle finger, but as long as I look happy while I'm doing it, people just assume I'm senile.
Monty Yeah? So, what's the bad?
Old man
Well, sometimes I give small children the middle finger and don't realize I'm doing it until someone slaps me...so I really am going senile.
Monty Well, Alzheimer's can't be all bad: You get a chance to meet new people every day.
Old man
[Chuckles]
I like you, Monty.
Monty I like you too, sir.
Old man
I like you too, Monty.
Monty So, what can I get you to drink?
Old man
I trust you.
Monty You know what? You can count on me, sir.
Monty [Monty takes the drink menu and leaves with Mitch]
I don't even care if he gives me a poor tip, that is the coolest old man I've met in my entire life.
Monty So, are you going to take the assistant manager's job?
Dean Wait, you know about that?
Monty Are you **** kidding me, in this place? The people who have the day off already know about it.
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