Corgi
[after turning into a giant blue monstrosity]
I ATE THE FEDEX GUY.
DC League of Super-Pets quotes
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Dog-El
[repeated line]
Yes, it is I, Dog-El.
Krypto
[sighs]
It's walk o'clock.
Ace
What o'what?
Krypto
Nothing. [sits down]
Ace
Okay, 'cause it sounded like a super adorable nickname you got for your walks with your owner.
Krypto
Alright. Maybe this was when me and Supes used to hang out. [sadly] Every morning, since I was a puppy.
PB
Aw. Well, you might not have your Superman, but at least you have us. A whole super team! The Mighty Oink, Squirrelverine, Droolo.
Ace
[confused]
Seriously? "Droolo"?
PB
Hey, wait, where's Shell on Wheels? Shell?
Merton
[laughs offscreen, the scene cuts to Merton talking to a construction worker hat]
What's happenin', sweet cheeks? [laughs again] Ah, I get it. The strong silent type. Who needs words?
Krypto
[pause]
Man, I wish I still had my powers.
Ace
Yeah, what happened to them anyway?
Krypto
I ate some green Kryptonite.
PB
A Kryptonian's only weakness.
Merton
Why would you eat your weakness, ya dum-dum?
Krypto
It was in some cheese.
PB
A dog's only weakness.
Ace
Well, I ate a toy dinosaur once. If we're goin' off that, I'd say you probably got a solid 2 days until that thing passes. Well, unless it's a Stegosaurus, and then you just pray.
Krypto
Ace, deploy canine shield.
Ace
What is a canine…?
Krypto
[Krypto shoves him off the building as they fall towards the guinea pigs. Mark breathes fire at them]
Evade!
Krypto
[they jump off of Ace as he is engulfed by the flames. Krypto, PB, Chip and Merton land on the ground safely as Ace lands hard on the ground]
Excellent shielding! That seemed incredibly painful.
Ace
[groans]
Anybody want to switch powers?
Krypto
Ace, what you did for that little girl...
Ace
Nah, it was nothin'. I just did what any dog would do.
Krypto
And they just...gave you away?
Ace
I don't blame them. They were just protecting their kid.
Krypto
But you saved her.
Ace
And I'd do it again. Wosrt day of my life, but I wouldn't change a thing about it.
Krypto
Why not?
Ace
Well, when you love somebody, I mean, you really love them, you gotta be willin' to do anything for 'em. Even if that means letting 'em go.
Krypto
Even if it hurts?
Ace
Hmph. Especially then. You know what they say about dogs, don't you?
Krypto
Never feed us chocolate.
Ace
We love unconditionally.
Krypto
Is this really the best way to find Superman? Because to me, this just seems gross.
Ace
What do you mean gross? Smelling stuff is one of the greatest joys of being a dog, next to licking any part of your body. I mean, I lick myself all the time.
Krypto
Well, that explains the breath.
Krypto
Look, I know these powers are new to you, but when one has an abundance of power, they have a certain duty to use that power to... [interrupted by Ace who is peeing]
Ace
Sorry. You were saying something?
Krypto
I was making an inspiring hero speech. [Ace continues peeing] How much did you have to drink?
Ace
I had two toilet bowls and a bidet. A bidet, too, which is crazy. I didn't even know that was a thing, but it's like a dog water fountain.
Krypto
You disgusting animal.
Krypto
What is new with you, fellow normal dog?
Corgi
I bit the FedEx guy the other day.
Krypto
Ah, fine job. Who was he working for? General Zod? The Legion of Doom?
Corgi
FedEx.
Krypto
Of course! The Federation of Exes. Not to be trusted.
Corgi
[turns away]
What is taking my owner so long?
Lois Lane
[sees Superman thrown out the window]
Why does this always happen on date night?
Mercy
Yeah, I don't get paid enough for this, no. [elevator door closes]
Superman
Hey, Lois. [sees Krypto] Oh! [pause] Oh. Listen, buddy, I...
Krypto
It is pie week. You choice: her or me. [flies up and growls]
Superman
What's gotten into you? [turns Krypto back] Bad dog!
Krypto
[taken aback]
What did you just call me? That is way outta line, fella. I mean, if you want... [interrupted by Superman]
Superman
We'll talk about this when I get home. [closes the door when he leaves]
Krypto
[sulks for a moment until the door opens, happily]
Oh, I've missed you so much!
Superman
You left Squeezy Bruce in the hallway again. [throws Squeezy Bruce]
Krypto
Fine. I'll watch the crusts crisp alone. [picks up the bowl of popcorn] Bad owner! [flies in the room]
Superman
This is amazing!
Wonder Woman
Yes! Humanity is saved.
Superman
No! My baby made friends! [pause] If you all had pets, you'd understand.
The Flash
Y'know, I had a cheetah once, but she ate my landlord, and tore up my couch. [slumps] Man, I loved that couch.
Green Lantern
On the planet Oa, I thought I had a pet raccoon, but he thought we were dating.
Aquaman
All the creatures of the sea are my friends, except for that one eel who knows what he did.
Batman
Yeah, I'm not really an animal guy.
Superman
Oh. Are you allergic or...?
Batman
As a child, I fell into a well filled with bats. I can still hear the screams as their dark wings flapped around me, scratching my chubby, childish flesh. I'm tormented every waking moment.
Superman
[awkward silence]
I really think a pet would be good for you.
Whiskers
[laughs maniacally]
I'm gonna rip you limb from limb.
Krypto
Okay, Chip, time to light that kitty up.
Chip
But what if the demonic laser gato devours me, or all of us, or she only spares me and I forever CARRY THE GUILT OF SURVIVAL?
Krypto
Chip, we all go to dark places. I thought about throwing Lois Lane in the ocean. But you can't spend the rest of your life stuck in your own head.
Chip
You're right. It is really scary in here. [gains confidence] Okay, you can do this, Chip. Get out of your HEAD! [lightning shoots from his hands]
Lex
[a mid-credit scene. That night, in the park, Lex is still in one of the animal cages]
Hello? Excuse me, it's me. Aren't any adorable animals gonna let me out? Maybe a cat? How about a cat?
Whiskers
Nope. [prances pass]
Lex
[sighs]
I always knew this is how it would end for me.
Lulu
[in the hot dog cart, Lulu floats on her back while being surrounded by hot dogs]
I always knew this is how it would end for me.
Lulu
[suddenly, her tag in her ear blinks. A torch cuts a hole through the lid. A silhouetted figure, wearing Lex's powersuit, removes it. Lulu shields her eyes as she looks up at the silhouetted figure. It's Mercy]
Oh, it's you. Hi.
Mercy
Let's be honest. The 2 of us are the real brains behind this operation. Forget Lex. We should team up. So, what do you say? [lowers the powersuit's hand to Lulu] Do you wanna come live in a studio apartment?
Lulu
Like, with you? Like, pet-owner situation? Alright, lemme think. Yes, yes! The answer is yes! [climbs onto the hand] So, just something to know about me. I'm passionate about world domination, and my nails need to be trimmed twice a month.
[Mercy flies off with Lulu]
Krypto
[Ace, Merton, PB, and Chip are trying to break free]
It's no use. These cells were designed to keep anyone with powers from escaping. You'd have to be as strong as Superman to get out.
PB
But we can't just give up.
Krypto
There's a difference between giving up and knowing when it's over.
Ace
Mm-mm! No way. Not for superheroes.
Krypto
I'm not a superhero. I'm not even a good dog. When I was a puppy, I promised I'd watch over Superman. And I failed, all because I was jealous of Lois.
Merton
Who wouldn't be? Have you seen those bangs? Ba-bang!
Krypto
Superman was my only friend, and I was afraid to lose that.
Chip
But you can't blame yourself.
Krypto
I'm the only one to blame. If I really was his friend, I'd have been there for him no matter what. My father was right. My problem is me. [a single tear falls from his eyes] I'm sorry.
Ace
Nah, man. You're good. You're just finally being real with yourself. You can't have justice without truth.
Krypto
Thanks, Ace. But it's too late.
Chip
[Chip, PB, and Merton are amazed]
Are you sure about that, perrito?
Krypto
What do you mean?
Chip
You're flying.
Krypto
What? [discovers that his powers are back] I'm... My powers. I'm back!
Merton
The Kryptonite has left the dog.
Ace
[sniffs]
That does smell like sandalwood.