Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure 1989 quotes, page 3

I want to know why you claim to be Sigmund Freud.

Freud

Why do you claim I'm not Sigmund Freud?

Why do you keep asking me these questions?

Freud

Tell me about your mother.

Oh, God. [gets up from his desk]

Freud

Would you like a couch to lie on?

No, I don't want a couch to lie on!

Captain Logan

All right, what's your name?

Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln. That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.

Captain Logan

I know how to spell "Lincoln"! What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?

Lincoln

February 12, 1809.

Abraham Lincoln

Fourscore and... 7 minutes ago, we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure, conceived by our new friends: Bill and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition, which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other... and... PARTY ON, DUDES!

Bill

How's it going, royal ugly dudes? I am the Earl of Preston!

Ted

And I am the Duke of Ted!

Put them in the iron maiden.

Ted

Iron Maiden?
Bill and Ted: Excellent! [air guitar]

Execute them!
Bill and Ted: Bogus!

Bill

OK, Ted: George Washington. One: The father of our country.

Ted

Two: Born on Presidents' Day!

Bill

Three: The dollar bill guy.

Ted

You ever made a mushroom out of his head?

Bill

Ted... Alaska.

Ted

Okay... Um.... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.

Bill

That's Captain Ahab, dude!

Ted

...Oh, wait! Remember Disney World? Hall of Presidents?

Bill

Yeah, good, what did he say?

Ted

...Welcome to the Hall of Presidents!

Bill

Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant, the truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super-band until we get Eddie Van Halen on guitar.

Ted

Yes, Bill, but... I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen before we have a triumphant video.

Bill

Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we have decent instruments.

Ted

Well, how can we have decent instruments if we don't really even know how to play?

Bill

That is why we need Eddie Van Halen!

Ted

And that is why we need a triumphant video!

EXCELLENT! [guitar riff]

Billy the Kid

Way to go, egghead.

Socrates

Geek!

Sigmund Freud

What is a geek?

Captain Logan

I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.

Ted

Me and Bill-

Captain Logan

He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't you, Ted?

Ted

That I would have to go to Oates Military Academy. Sir.

Captain Logan

I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted...

Ted

Dude, we gotta pass; otherwise, there's no more band.

Bill

Why?

Ted

My dad's sending me to military school.

Bill

Where?

Ted

Alaska...

Freud

And so, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all his deepest anxieties about himself. And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.

Ted

Whoa....

Freud

Okay, Ted?

Ted

Yes... Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud...

Freud

Bill? [motions toward the couch]

Bill

Nah. Just got a minor oedipal complex.

Ted

Okay, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Future Bill and Future Ted: SIXTY-NINE, DUDE!!!

Ted

Our first guest speaker comes from the year 400 BC, a time when most of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album, Houses of the Holy.

Bill

We were there. There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil.

Ted

He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle, and like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.

Ted

Ted! Don't forget to wind your watch!

Rufus

They do get better.

Rufus

Gentlemen... we're history.

Bill

Oh, no thanks, I just have a slight Oedipal complex.

Ted

Billy! You are handling the oddities of time travel with the greatest of ease!