Ted Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.
More lines from Ted
5 quotes Ted Ted Now where are we, dude? Oh. It's my house.
Ted Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan?
Ted Billy! You are handling the oddities of time travel with the greatest of ease!
Ted Party on dudes!
Scenes with Ted
26 scenes
Shut up, Ted!
Noah's wife?
Ted, stand up.
Ted Stand up?
Yes, son, stand up.
Ted Your stepmom's cute.
Shut up Ted.
Ted Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?
Shut UP, Ted!
Ted Remember when I asked your mom to the prom?
Shut UP, Ted!
Ted And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!
Bill, Ted
And we are... WYLD STALLYNS!
Ted [to himself]
1275...1275... [to Bill] Okay. The lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
It's not just a water sport. I knew it!
Ted [to lady]
Excuse me! When did the Mongols rule China?
Lady
I don't know. I just work here.
Greetings, my excellent friends.
Ted Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?
Well, perhaps we could ask them.
Ted [Bill and Ted meet their future selves]
OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Bill, Ted from future
69, dudes!
Bill, Ted
Whoa.
Ted That's us, dude.
Oh, yeah!
Future Ted Rufus!
Listen to this dude Rufus. He knows what he's talking about.
Future Ted Right. Oh, and Ted? Give my love to the princesses?
Ted Who?
Future Ted You'll see.
Ted Where are we, Rufus?
Austria, 1805. The French have just invaded.
Ted Whoa, Bill, check it out! We're in the middle of a war, dude!
Be excellent to each other.
Ted Party on, dudes!
Henry VII
Put them in the iron maiden.
Ted Iron Maiden?
Bill, Ted
Excellent!
Henry VII
[air guitar]
Execute them.
Bill, Ted
Bogus!
Ted Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our friends.
This is, uh, Dave Beeth Oven.
Beethoven Sie sind so schön, Madame.
And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy, Herman the Kid...
Ted Bob "Genghis" Khan, Dennis Frood, So-crates Johnson, and, uh... Abraham Lincoln.
Miss Preston [completely oblivious]
It's so nice to meet you all. There are sodas in the fridge.
It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...
Ted, Bill
...MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
Ted [All the students applaud wildly for Khan]
This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.
[Napoleon is using Risk figures to show his plans to invade Russia]
:
Ted ...I don't think it's going to work.
No?
[Napoleon slams his ruler on the map furiously] :
Triomphe Napoleon!
Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant, the truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super-band until we get Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted Yes, Bill, but... I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen before we have a triumphant video.
Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we have decent instruments.
Ted Well, how can we have decent instruments if we don't really even know how to play?
That is why we need Eddie Van Halen!
Ted And that is why we need a triumphant video!
Both
[think for a second]
EXCELLENT! [guitar riff]
I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.
Ted Me and Bill-
He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't you, Ted?
Ted That I would have to go to Oates Military Academy. Sir.
I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted...
Ted [back outside]
Dude, we gotta pass; otherwise, there's no more band.
Why?
Ted My dad's sending me to military school.
Where?
Ted Alaska...
OK, Ted: George Washington. One: The father of our country.
Ted Two: Born on Presidents' Day!
Three: The dollar bill guy.
Ted You ever made a mushroom out of his head?
Ted... Alaska.
Ted Okay... Um.... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.
That's Captain Ahab, dude!
Ted ...Oh, wait! Remember Disney World? Hall of Presidents?
Yeah, good, what did he say?
Ted ...Welcome to the Hall of Presidents!
How's it going, royal ugly dudes? I am the Earl of Preston!
Ted And I am the Duke of Ted!
Henry VII
Put them in the iron maiden.
Ted Iron Maiden?
Bill and Ted: Excellent! [air guitar]
Henry VII
Execute them!
Bill and Ted: Bogus!
Ted Okay, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Future Bill and Future Ted: SIXTY-NINE, DUDE!!!
Ted Our first guest speaker comes from the year 400 BC, a time when most of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album, Houses of the Holy.
We were there. There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil.
Ted He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle, and like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.
And so, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all his deepest anxieties about himself. And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.
Ted [sits up]
Whoa....
Okay, Ted?
Ted Yes... Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud...
Bill? [motions toward the couch]
Nah. Just got a minor oedipal complex.
So Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a "short, dead dude."
Well, yeah.
Ted [leans over behind Bill]
You totally blew it, dude.
Ted Stand up?
Yes, son, stand up. [Ted stands up] Now... who was Joan of Arc?
Ted [beat]
Noah's wife.
[The classmates chuckle in amusement before the bell rings]
[After class]
Mr. Ryan, before you say anything, my distinguished colleague, Ted, and I wish to express to you our thanks, for all the things we have learned in your class.
And what have you learned?
Ted Yes. And that, thanks to great leaders such as... [looks at some of the names written on the chalkboard] Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method, the world is full of history.
It seems to me the only thing you have learned is that Caesar... is a "salad-dressing dude." Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple. You have flunked every section of this class. Now, unless you get an A-plus on your final oral report tomorrow, guys, I have no choice but to flunk the both of you. Now, you know your topics. So I would suggest that you at least cover those areas if you want to pass the course. Understand?
Bill and Ted
Yes, sir.
Okay. Guys, your report had better be something very special.
All right, lock him up with the rest of those wackos. [the officer ushers Lincoln to his cell]
Lincoln I am a lawyer, you know!
Ted [enters the station]
Dad!
You pack your bags, Ted.
Ted What?
You're going to military school, Ted.
Ted But, Dad...
No, I don't wanna hear it, Ted!
Ted But...
Ted! You go home and you pack your bags NOW! [ushers Ted out of the station]
