John Constantine [flips off demon]
For your boss.
Played by Keanu Reeves 
Constantine (2005) · 60 quotes
Constantine (2005) · 60 quotes
Most-quoted character in Constantine (2005): in 33 of its 60 quotes
Most scenes with: Angela Dodson (9), Gabriel (4), Satan (3)
Angels and Demons can't cross over into our plane. So, instead we get what I call half-breeds. The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears. A single word can give you courage, or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon's touch and those part angel, living alongside us. They call it the balance. I call it hypocritical bullshit.
More lines from John Constantine
11 quotes John Constantine John Constantine [whispering into the ear of a possessed girl]
This is Constantine. John Constantine, asshole.
John Constantine [speaking to God]
I know I'm not one of your favorites, and I'm not welcomed in your house, but I could use a little attention, please.
John Constantine [Constantine traps a spider under a cigarette-smoke filled glass]
Welcome to my life.
John Constantine Heaven and hell are right here, behind every wall, every window, the world behind the world. And we're smack in the middle.
John Constantine You don't need His protection. It'll be just like the old days.
John Constantine [as Midnite holds him up against a wall]
Is this neutral? Bullshit! You're the only one playing by the rules Midnite. And while you've been imitating Switzerland, people are dying. [Midnite lets him slump to the ground] Two hundred dollar shirt, by the way.
John Constantine Impossible rules, endless regulations. Who goes up, who goes down? And why?
John Constantine He always had a rotten sense of humor. And his punchlines are killers.
John Constantine You don't need His protection. It'll be like back in the day.
John Constantine [Voice over]
I guess there's a plan for all of us. I had to die—twice—just to figure that out. Like the book says, He works in mysterious ways. Some people like it… Some people don't.
Scenes with John Constantine
21 scenes John Constantine So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry asses straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my... retirement.
I don't understand.
John Constantine I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go...
You're trying to buy your way into heaven.
John Constantine What would YOU do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates were put there by you?
You're the one soul I would come up here to collect myself.
John Constantine So I've heard.
John Constantine I need you to leave...
Okay. [heads for her room]
John Constantine ...the apartment.
John Constantine [waits for her to leave and looks down at cat]
God I hate this part.
John Constantine Not if I can help it.
I guess God has a plan for all of us.
John Constantine God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything.
[holding a tommy-gun against his chest]
You want revenge? Go ahead. I deserve it. Pull the trigger.
John Constantine [takes the gun and punches Gabriel, who feels pain for the first time as a mortal]
That's called pain, get used to it.
My sister was murdered last night.
John Constantine Sorry to hear.
Thanks. She jumped off the the roof of a building.
John Constantine I thought you said she was murdered.
Yeah well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.
John Constantine Of course. What kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.
John Constantine [regarding Satan's son]
He's in there with Gabriel.
No accounting for taste.
You tried to kill yourself.
John Constantine I didn't try anything.
Why would you do that when you know this isn't my car, John?
John Constantine I told you to move the car.
Yeah, but if you'd told me you were going to drop a three-hundred pound mirror with a pissed-off demon in it, I would have moved it further, John!
[Angela is about to transport into Hell via bathtub and has taken off her jacket]
So, is this good, or do I have to take off the rest of my clothes?
John Constantine I'm thinking...
[Gabriel sits on top of John Constantine, explaining her rebellion]
You're handed this precious gift, right? Each one of you granted redemption from the Creator - murderers, rapists, molesters - all of you just have to repent, and God takes you into His bosom. In all the worlds and all the universe, no other creature can make such a boast, save man. It's not fair.
[Gabriel leans closer to Constantine's face]
If sweet, sweet God loves you so, then I will make you worthy of His love. But it's only in the face of horror that you truly find your noble self, and you can be so noble. So... I will bring you pain, I will bring you horror.
[Gabriel lifts up Constantine from his collar]
So that you may rise above it. So that those of you who will survive this reign of hell on earth will be worthy of God's love.
John Constantine Gabriel, you're insane!
[smiles]
The road to salvation begins tonight. Right now.
[Gabriel blows gently, sending Constantine crashing to the door]
When am I going to stop being your slave, John?
John Constantine You're not my slave, Chas, you're my much appreciated apprentice, just like Robin, or Tonto, or that skinny fellow with the fat friend. [ this is probably reference to Don Quixote and Sancho Panza or Laurel and Hardy, or perhaps Abbott and Costello, or Jay and Silent Bob — or any and all "skinny fellows with a fat friend"]
John Constantine This is definitely mostly not about the girl.
John Constantine No.
[Midnite electrocutes him, John screams]
John Constantine How's the family?
Family's doing just fine. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Need a vacation.
John Constantine [to a room full of demons]
Hi, my name's John, you are in violation of the balance, leave now or you will be deported. All of you. [no reaction]
John Constantine [John stands on a chair]
Go to hell.
Ellie [John ignites a lighter and places it under a fire-detector, holy water sprinkles down]
Holy water?
[The demons' flesh burns and they scream in agony]
I don't believe in the devil.
John Constantine You should. He believes in you.
What are you doing?
John Constantine I'm reading you your last rites.
Spare me your remedial incantations.
John Constantine You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven, I'd love to be a fly on that wall.
You're not a priest. You have no power.
John Constantine Just tell me how Mammon is crossing over and you can go back to your shit hole. Okay, Bally, enjoy it. [Balthazar relents]
John Constantine [after Balthazar gives him the information]
By the way... you have to ask for absolution to be forgiven ... asshole.
John Constantine What if I told you that God and the Devil made a wager? A bet for the remaining souls on Earth?
I'd tell you to stay on your meds.
John Constantine Humor me. No direct contact with Humans. That would be the rule. Just influence.
You still trying to buy your way into Heaven? … How many times have I told you? That's not the way this works.
John Constantine Why, haven't I served Him enough? What does He want from me?
Only the usual. Self-sacrifice, belief.
John Constantine Oh, I believe, for Christ's sake!
No, no. You know. And there's a difference. You've seen.
John Constantine I never asked to see. I was born with this curse.
A gift, John. One that you've squandered on selfish endeavors.
John Constantine I'm pulling demons out of little girls. Who's that for?
Everything you've ever done, you've only ever done for yourself—to earn your way back into His good graces!
John Constantine [hears Gabriel cough and stand up in the pool]
Human? You don't deserve to be human.
You want revenge? Is that what you're thinking right now? Do it. End my life. [holding a shotgun against the chest] Be the hand of God. It is your choice. It was always your choice.
John Constantine [takes the gun and punches Gabriel; a beat, then Gabriel grimaces sharply, feeling pain for the first time as a mortal]
That's called "pain". Get used to it.
[Constantine walks out] [shouting after Constantine]
You could have shot me, John! You chose a higher path! Look how well you're doing!
