Mr. Wolf quotes from The Bad Guys (2022)

Mr. Wolf

So long, suckers!

Mr. Wolf

Don't mind us, we're just robbing this place.

Mr. Wolf

Hey, you! Get over here. A little bit closer. Oh, I know what it is. You're afraid, because I'm, uh… The big bad wolf! Well, I'm not surprised. I am the villain of every story. Isn't that right, Snake? [Snake: [chuckles] Yep.] Say hello to Mr. Snake! Serpentine safe-cracking machine. Imagine Houdini but with no arms. The kind of guy who'd tell you the glass is half-empty then steal it from y'all. He's also my best bud, and today is his birthday! [Snake: Not relevant.] He's a sweetheart. [to Snake] You're a sweetheart.

Mr. Wolf

And over here is Ms. Tarantula. Our inhouse hacker, pocket search engine, and travelling-tech wizard. We call her "Webs".

Mr. Wolf

And rounding out the crew… [Piranha: Surprise!] …is Mr. Piranha. He's a loose cannon with a short fuse, willing to scrap with anyone or anything. He's brave, he's fearless... Aw, who am I kidding? He's crazy.

Mr. Wolf

The Bad Guys become the good guys, so we can stay the Bad Guys. You know what I'm saying?

Mr. Wolf

We're supposed to save them, not eat them!

Mr. Wolf

Yeah, they're a bit eccentric, but when you're born us, you don't exactly win many popularity contests. Do I wish people didn't see us as monsters? Sure, I do. But these are the cards we've been dealt, so we might as well play them.

Mr. Wolf

We may be bad, but we're so good at it!

Mr. Wolf

Do you ever wonder what it'd be like if the world wasn't scared of us?

Mr. Wolf

They're the only friends I've ever had.

Mr. Wolf

Hey, you! That's right. Come here. A little closer. I said closer! Now that we've had some time to get acquainted, we're not so scary now, aren't we? Webs, hit it.

Snake

Stop!

Wolf

I'll stop if you just explain it to me, Because I don't...

Snake

Would you please just drop it?

Wolf

Alright, alright, fine. Consider it dropped. It's dropped. It's on the ground.

Snake

Good.

Wolf

But, I mean, come on! Everybody loves birthdays! [Snake groans] You got decorations, you got balloons, you got parties. And cake!

Snake

Look, I don't need presents, I don't want decorations, and I'm not a cake guy.

Wolf

Seriously though, you don't like cake? Name one food better than cake.

Snake

Guinea pig.

Wolf

Oh, again with the guinea pig. [chuckles] I bet if I blindfolded you, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a skunk and a guinea pig.

Snake

Wrong! Snakes have impeccable taste buds. I can taste air.

Wolf

Air?

Snake

Yes! Air. [tastes the air around him] Mmm, nice.

Wolf

I dunno. They're a little, uh... a little cute for my taste.

Snake

That's what makes them so delicious! You're not just eating food. You're eating pure goodness! It's not about the pig! It's about what it symbolizes on a deeper level!

Wolf

So you can taste air?

Snake

Ah.

Wolf

What else you got?

Snake

Forget about it.

Wolf

Well, can you also hear color? [chuckles]

Snake

Alright.

Wolf

Can you see the sound?

Snake

OK.

Wolf

'Cause we should really be capitalizing on your skills.

Snake

OK, alright, fine. Get it all out. Get it all out now!

Wolf

OK, OK.

Snake

Look at that! 4:00 p.m.! Now I know the exact moment our friendship died.

Wolf

Let's bounce.

Snake

Yup. [swallows the clock as he and Wolf get ready to leave]

Wolf

Just like, uh... you're gonna stick me with the bill... again.

Snake

Well, it is my birthday.

Wolf

So, now you play the birthday card? That's interesting. [walks up to the counter] Can we get a check please? When you get a chance? Hello? Checkity-check-check? You know what? We're just gonna leave the money right here, okay? [places the money in the tip jar]

Snake

You know the one good thing about this place?

Wolf

What?

Snake

We never have to wait for a table.

Wolf

Isn't that every place?

Snake

Hey, man. How you been? I haven't seen you in... SNAKE ATTACK! [the group screams and all hide behind a chair] Ooh, mints. [swallows the whole bowl of mints]

Wolf

Sorry, folks, I'm switching him to decaf.

Snake

Alright.

Let's do this.

Tarantula

It's not letting me in!

Wolf

Check your system preferences!

Snake

You probably need to download a driver!

Wolf

Try rebooting!

Tarantula

Oh my gosh, you fixed it!

Really?

Tarantula

NO!

Piranha

A giant butt!

Marmalade

Huh? Uh... It's... It's not a butt. It's a lamp in the shape of the Love Crater Meteorite, my greatest...

Piranha

I wonder whose butt it is.

Wolf

Uh...

Marmalade

Once again, it's not a butt. Thank you. It's a heart. Now as I was saying...

Piranha

Then why does it have cheeks?

Shark

Shut it!

Piranha

What? I've never seen a heart with cheeks.

Marmalade

It's not a...

Piranha

BOOTY!

Marmalade

IT'S NOT A BUTT! NOT A BUTT!

Piranha

Does he know what a butt is?

Wolf

Hey, look! It's a cat stuck in a tree!

Marmalade

It doesn't get much simpler than that. Now, what in this scenario would give you that good tingle?

Snake

Eating it. [lifts up two bread slices] This is why I always carry two pieces of bread with me.

Marmalade

No. I want you to ssss...

Wolf

Smack it!

Snake

Skin it?

Shark

Stab it!

Tarantula

Sauté it.

Piranha

Sing to it?

Marmalade

Save it. I want you to save... It-It's obv-It's so obvious. I want you to save it!

Oh! Right, right… [The gang slowly looks up at the cat with grins, then bare their fangs and sport feral looks] HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!!!

Snake

Whoa! That cat is obviously defective.

Piranha

What is wrong with you? You're gonna give it a heart attack. I'll handle this. [Mr. Piranha strolls over to the base of the tree then the trembling cat watching from above and he jumps and shouts in the cat's face] WHAT'S UP, PAPA?!

Wolf

Get him off my face! He's on my face!

Marmalade

No, no, no, no, no! What are you doing?! [The kitten gets off Wolf and rushes back up the tree. A rather annoyed Marmalade calms himself.] OK. What, I may ask, are you good at?

Piranha

Stealing stuff.

Shark

Oh, yeah, we're good at that.

Snake

Robbery.

Webs

Larceny.

Piranha

Wire fraud.

Snake

Extortion.

Wolf

Tax evasion.

Shark

Heists.

Wolf

Madam Governor. Diane.

Diane

Do NOT Clooney me, Wolf.

Wolf

Oh, I see what’s going on. You think I’m still a Bad Guy, trying to bamboozle my way to freedom. But we’ve changed! That "flower of goodness" is blossoming all over the place.

Diane

Don’t you ever get tired of lying?

Wolf

No. I mean… [stammers] Fudge. That was… That was a trick question, right?

Diane

I gave you an opportunity! A chance to show the world that you're more than just a scary stereotype, but... you're too proud or too gutless to take advantage of it!

Wolf

Gutless? I'm gutless? Oh-ho-ho, I'm sorry, have we met? I'm the villain of every story! Guilty until proven innocent! Even if by some miracle [Diane suddenly looks smug as she secretly realizes Wolf is just like her.] we did change, who's gonna believe us? Huh? Of course, you wouldn't know anything about that with your Little Miss Perfect power suits!

Diane

Is that so? [holds up the ring Wolf stole from her earlier]

Wolf

Wait a second, what did...? How did you...?

Diane

A wolf and a fox are not so different. [flings the ring to Wolf] Maybe they will believe you, maybe they won't. But it doesn't matter. Don't do it for them. Do it for you. This is a chance to write your own story. To find a better life for you and your friends. Come on, what have you got to lose?

Wolf

I don't know. My dignity?

Diane

Yeah, well, that ship has already sailed. [walks off to the car waiting for her and boards it] Believe it or not, I'm rooting for you, Wolf.

Wolf

So, you're not going to call the chief?

Wolf

I think we got off to a bad start. The name's Wolf. [climbs up the tree; the cat cowers in fear and whimpers as if thinking that Wolf is going to hurt him] Yep. [sighs] I get that a lot. First impressions and all. [continues climbing as the cat steps back and jumps onto another frond, which begin to shake] No, no, no, no! [The frond breaks. Wolf catches the cat, just before he could hit the ground, then puts him back in the tree.] Now, it's OK. It's OK. I'm not gonna hurt you. I know you're scared. I would be, too, if I were you. Just give me a chance. [The cat meows.] The truth is, we actually have a lot in common. Don't tell anyone, but I love a little scratch on the spot behind my ears. You know, right there. The best. [The cat recoils as Wolf reaches his hand out to him. He looks to the side as if looking for an avenue of escape then looks back at Wolf] Come on, Kitty. [Kitty sniffs Wolf's hand, then rubs his face on it. He purrs happily as Wolf scratches behinds his ear and holds out his arms. Kitty lands in Wolf's hands and rubs his face against them. Wolf smiles as his furry cheeks stand on end, then slides down to the ground.] Yeah, who's a good kitty? [Kitty meows happily.] Who's a good kitty?

Webs

Uh, Wolf? Um... You saved him?

Marmalade

Yes! [chuckling, having filmed a video about Wolf rescuing Kitty] Yes. It's working.

Wolf

You-You filmed that?

Marmalade

Yes, and they’re starting to like you.

Shark

Yeah!

Piranha

All right!

Marmalade

This might just be enough to win over the guests at the gala.

Piranha

Now we're talking!

Snake

Yes!

Shark

All right!

Webs

Yeah, we did it! All right!

Wolf

You... It was all you.

Webs

What are you talking about, Wolf?

Wolf

The old lady, the Golden Dolphin, good training. It was all to get us here, so he could steal the meteorite and let us take the fall.

Snake

Whoa, whoa. What old lady? And-And why would a guinea pig want a meteorite anyway?

Shark

Uh, guys? He's creeping me out.

Piranha

Wait, what? What's going on? Someone turn me around!

Marmalade

Well, well. So, you finally get it.

What?!

Shark

You stole the meteorite?!

Marmalade

Oh, it's not just a meteorite.

Piranha

I told you guys it's a butt!

Marmalade

It's not a butt! It's the ultimate power source. You see, when it struck, scientists found that it emitted an electromagnetic frequency unlike anything else on Earth. I'm going to harness its power to pull off the greatest heist the world has ever seen!

Webs

You should've eaten him when you had the chance.

Snake

Yep.

Wolf

But why us?

Marmalade

Because you're the perfect patsies. Come on, when people look up "bad" in the dictionary, do they see a sweet, adorable guinea pig? No! They see you, and they always will.

Snake

Okay, fine. But you set us up!

Marmalade

Oh, pish-pish! Let's be honest. Evolution set you up, but Wolfie here really clinched it. [to Wolf] You fell for every one of my traps, starting with saving a helpless little old lady!

Snake

Wolf, what's he talking about?

Marmalade

Whoops! Did I say too much? Anyhow, looks like, yet again, the Big Bad Wolf got outsmarted by a little piggy.

Wolf

You little, pouchy-cheeked RAAAAATT!! [Marmalade quickly kicks the door open, adopting a terrified expression for the public as they see the Professor being "threatened" as Wolf furiously pounces at him.] I'LL KILL YOU! YOU HEAR ME?! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE DEA–! [notices everyone frightened in shock]

Marmalade

Help, help! The Big Bad Wolf is attacking me!

Luggins

Oh! Now you are done forever, Wolf! [furiously slams the van's door]

Shark

I can't believe we got double-crossed by a tiny rodent!

Snake

Oh, we got double-crossed by a rodent all right. But, uh, not a tiny one.

Shark

What?!

Snake

This was supposed to be us conning Marmalade. It turns out it was Wolf conning us! Does that sound familiar to you, Wolf?!

Wolf

Why-Why would you think that?

Snake

Oh, I don't know! Maybe because you just sabotaged the biggest heist of our lives! I think you owe us an explanation, buddy.

Wolf

Okay, you're right. This is what happened. Back in the museum, I just tried to steal an old lady's purse. [gets his mugshot taken] Classic snatch and grab.

Webs

"Tried" to? Since when do you try to steal something and not just steal it?

Wolf

I was trying to steal the purse when the old lady fell and... [clears his throat] I kind of helped her.

Snake

What?! [gets his mugshot taken]

Wolf

I kind of helped her.

Piranha

But then you stole the purse. [gets his mugshot taken]

Wolf

No, [chuckles] I didn't! I saved the old lady, and she hugged me. And my tail wagged, and I didn't know what it was, but it felt, uh, you know... good. [The others, except Snake, gasp at this.]

Piranha

Ah, but then you stole the purse!

NO!

Snake

Y'know, I heard what the pig said to you, about cutting us loose.

Shark

Wait. Like, "us" us?!

Snake

But I never thought you'd actually do it, man.

Wolf

Hey, hey, hey, hey! I-I would never... I was trying to... I was trying to find us a better life!

Snake

Our life was perfect until you decided to ruin it!

Wolf

I didn't! You guys felt it at the gala — the clapping, the cheering. We were more than-than just scary villains! They loved us!

Snake

Oh, yeah?! If they "loved" us so much, how come we're in prison for a crime we didn't commit? You know what? I'll give Marmalade this: At least he sees the world for what it is - a place where some people are scary and some people are scared!

Wolf

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm tired of being scary. I'm… I'm tired of being an outcast. Maybe I don't wanna be—

Snake

What? A Bad Guy?! Don't wanna be a Bad Guy anymore, huh? Say it, Wolf! [Wolf just glares at Snake and says nothing.] Yeah, I thought so. And us, your lifelong friends? We're just holding you back?

Wolf

YEAH, MAYBE YOU ARE!

Snake

TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT BACK! APOLOGIZE!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Prison is no place for fighting!

Tell that to him.

Wolf

Huh?
[Snake, Wolf and the guards look up to see the Crimson Paw dropping from the upper floor to the rescue.]

DIANE?!

Piranha

But how do you know how to do all of that kick-kick-punch-punch?

Wolf

Wait a sec. You're the Crimson Paw?? [Diane smiles cheekily.] The Queen of Cons, acrobatic Swiss Army Knife, stole the Zumpango Diamond twice; once for profit, second time just for fun. Never identified, never caught.

Diane

Heh. Guess I'm still the best bad guy the world has ever seen. [looks at her ninja outfit and sees a cut mark on her sleeve] Ugh. At least I used to be. [The alarms blare. Diane puts her mask back on as dozens of guards surround the Bad Guys. Diane jumps on Wolf, then Shark so to jump high in the air, then flying down for a falling punch... The scene cuts to Diane driving the Bad Guys away from prison on a boat, as explosions go off around the prison] Nope, I'm still the best. Just like riding a stolen bicycle. [to Piranha, who has one of the "fins" on his head on fire] Oh, uh, you got a little... [puts it out] Ouch.

Diane

Marmalade needs to be stopped, but I can't do it alone. You know his compound better than anyone.

Wolf

You can count on us. [to his gang, who are now feeling hurt from his and Snake's fight] Right, guys?

Snake

There is no "us". We're through, Wolf. Done. Finito.

Wolf

Because of that little tiff back there? C'mon, man, that's what we do. You serve, I volley. That's our little dance.

Snake

Not this time. [slithers away]

Wolf

Piranha? [Piranha has a furious expression, says nothing and follows Snake, aghast.] Webs?

Webs

Sorry, Wolfie.

Wolf

Shark… [Shark says nothing, hesitates for a moment looking like a lost child who doesn't know where to go, and then also follows Snake.] Hey, guys? Guys?!

Snake

You want to know why I hate birthdays, Wolf? Do you? When you grow up a snake, nobody shows up to your party. Birthdays are a constant reminder that out there, I'm just a scary, good-for-nothing monster. Yeah. But nothing compares to having the one guy… the one guy I thought I could trust... stab me in the back. [Wolf looks heartbroken for hurting his best friend; to the rest of the gang] Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.
[Snake, Piranha, Webs and Shark sadly leave their leader behind while going back to their lair.]

Diane

Hey. You okay?

Wolf

No, I'm not okay. I’m very, very un-okay. [grumbles] Just left the only friends I’ve ever had, so what am I… [sighs] what am I doing?

Diane

I know this isn’t easy. Leaving everything behind.

Wolf

Do you?

Diane

Yeah. I was the best thief in the world. Fast, fearless, inventive. I just had one thing left to steal.

Wolf

The Golden Dolphin. So you went after it.

Diane

I didn't just go after it. [In a flashback, when Diane tries to steal the Golden Dolphin...] I had it. And a clear escape route. [She looks in the mirror and takes off her mask and hood.] But... all I saw in the end was the 'tricky fox' they always told me I was. It changed everything. [Diane puts the Golden Dolphin back in its place and runs off, deciding to reform. The flashback ends.] So now, instead of hurting people, I'm helping them. [sighs] I'm still me. [chuckles] I’m just me on the right side. [looks at Wolf happily] You’re doing the right thing. And someday your friends, if they’re real friends, I think they’ll understand. [Wolf is now happy for Diane and feels much better. Diane gives Wolf a big, genuine smile, which means she fully trusts him, and playfully banters with him.] Now, c'moooon, let’s get inside. You look like you just busted out of a prison.

Wolf

Whoa-ho! Holy... MOLEY!

Diane

Ahhh, it's so good to be home.

Wolf

Are you kidding me?! Laser-guided zipline? The XM-2400 radar jammer? No way!

Diane

I actually prefer the earlier model.

Wolf

Agree to disagree. [picks up something what looks like lipstick and fiddles with it] Hey, this stuff is nice too. [A jet of blue flame shoots out of the lipstick tube.] AHH!

Diane

Yeah, that's a blowtorch. Also, not really your color.

Diane

All righty, Marmalade, what are you up to, you fuzzy little weirdo? We need eyes on the city. Let's see if we can't hack into the government's surveillance satellite.

Wolf

But you're the governor. Couldn't you just ask?

Diane

Yeah, but... [blows a raspberry] The paperwork.

Wolf

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!
[Kitty jumps, and Wolf catches him. He sets him down on a seat beside Piranha, then pulls out a pair of sunglasses from the glove compartment for him as Piranha gently pats his head.]

Snake

You came back.

Wolf

Snake. I should've been honest with you. I was afraid that if you knew I-I wanted to be good that you'd...

Snake

...act like a jerk and never talk to you again?

Wolf

Yeah. Point is I… I-I-I, you know…

Snake

Yeah. I love you, too, buddy.

Shark

This-this is so beautiful. Do you know how beautiful this is, you guys?

Piranha

Now… Now you're gonna make me cry.

Webs

I know! So pathetic, right?

Wolf

Come on, guys. [holds up a grappling hook] Who said it was the end?

Luggins

That is it.

Piranha

Hey!

Luggins

There is absolutely no way you’re gettin' away this time.

Diane

Wait, Chief.

Luggins

Governor Foxington?

Diane

Don't do this.

Wolf

Ow!

Diane

They didn't steal the meteorite; they were bringing it back.

Luggins

Ha! How could you know that? Unless... Unless you were conspiring with a bunch of known criminals!

Diane

Well... [clears her throat and removes her glasses] As a matter of fact, it’s time I came clean about something. [Wolf, Snake, Shark, Piranha, and Webs realize that Diane is going to tell Luggins about her secret identity as the Crimson Paw] The truth is I’m really... [clears her throat again] ...r-really...

Wolf

Really a big fan of redemption arcs. Yeah, we know. [They understand Wolf's intention, protecting Diane's secret identity from being exposed. Wolf gives the kitty to Diane and holds out his hands to be cuffed. The other Bad Guys follow suit.] We're done running away.

Piranha

Yeah.

Shark

Mm-hmm.

Webs

Yeah.

Snake

Yep.

Wolf

Chief, do what you need to do.

Luggins

What? Y-You're turning yourself in?!

Wolf

We might not have stolen the meteorite, but we did steal a lotta other things. [Diane watches proudly.] It's time we took some responsibility. Start a clean state. Take us in, Chief.

Luggins

Wow, really?

Wolf

You finally did it. This is your moment, Chief. Drink it in. [cuffs himself]

Luggins

Wow. You know, I should… I should give a speech. I… Well, I-I should, shouldn't I?

Wolf

Uhhh... Okay... [unsure, but she's already started talking]

Luggins

When I was 6 years old, I decided that I wanted to play the piccolo, only to find that my fingers were just too powerful for that fragile little instrument. And that’s when I discovered law enforcement...

Diane

I’m proud of you, Wolf.

Wolf

You know, a fox and a wolf are not that different. You got a good thing going here, Governor.

Luggins

Wait a second. This isn't the meteorite! [claps twice] It’s a lamp!

Huh?

Snake

Heheheh.

What?!

Webs

Uh... Snake, what did you just do?

Snake

What? My friend was sad; I was just cheerin’ him up.

Webs

I think Wolf was right. Maybe we could be more than just scary villains.

Snake

I'm bad, you're bad. Let's be bad together.

Marmalade

You've got yourself a deal.

Snake

Can I try it on?

Marmalade

Of course, partner.

Wolf

Don't mind us, just robbing this place.

Marmalade

No, no, no, no!

Marmalade

But if that's a lamp, where is the...?

Snake

Heheh. The old switcheroo.