Mr. Snake Relax, these doors are complicated.
Played by Marc Maron 
The Bad Guys (2022) · 74 quotes
The Bad Guys (2022) · 74 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in The Bad Guys (2022): in 22 of its 74 quotes
Most scenes with: Mr. Wolf (10), Ms. Tarantula aka "Webs" (10), Mr. Piranha (7)
What, a bad guy?!
More lines from Mr. Snake
10 quotes Mr. Snake Mr. Snake Well, I'd say they've gone to a better place.
Mr. Snake [whispers]
Ooohh... Snake attack.
Mr. Snake [His tail starts to wag, and he gets angry]
No, no. No! We'll... always... be... BAD GUYS!!
Mr. Snake It's fantastic! Wolf, you're a genius!
Mr. Snake Totally worth it!
Mr. Snake I've made a lot of enemies in my time... I mean, a lot... but out of all the people in the world... I hate you guys the least.
Mr. Snake What's on the Food Network?
Mr. Snake You wanna know why I hate birthdays, Wolf? Do you? When you grow up a snake, nobody shows up to your party. Birthdays are a constant reminder that out there, I'm just a scary, good-for-nothing monster. Yeah, but nothing compares to having the one guy... the one guy I thought I could trust... stab me in the back.
Mr. Snake Nope! [eats] Sucker!
Scenes with Mr. Snake
11 scenes Snake [first lines; Wolf and Snake are hanging out at a diner]
Stop!
I'll stop if you just explain it to me, Because I don't...
Snake Would you please just drop it?
Alright, alright, fine. Consider it dropped. It's dropped. It's on the ground.
Snake Good.
But, I mean, come on! Everybody loves birthdays! [Snake groans] You got decorations, you got balloons, you got parties. And cake!
Snake Look, I don't need presents, I don't want decorations, and I'm not a cake guy.
Seriously though, you don't like cake? Name one food better than cake.
Snake Guinea pig.
Oh, again with the guinea pig. [chuckles] I bet if I blindfolded you, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a skunk and a guinea pig.
Snake Wrong! Snakes have impeccable taste buds. I can taste air.
Air?
Snake Yes! Air. [tastes the air around him] Mmm, nice.
I dunno. They're a little, uh... a little cute for my taste.
Snake That's what makes them so delicious! You're not just eating food. You're eating pure goodness! It's not about the pig! It's about what it symbolizes on a deeper level!
Snake Ah.
What else you got?
Snake Forget about it.
Well, can you also hear color? [chuckles]
Snake [annoyed]
Alright.
Can you see the sound?
Snake OK.
'Cause we should really be capitalizing on your skills.
Snake OK, alright, fine. Get it all out. Get it all out now!
OK, OK.
Snake [spits out an alarm clock]
Look at that! 4:00 p.m.! Now I know the exact moment our friendship died.
Snake Yup. [swallows the clock as he and Wolf get ready to leave]
Just like, uh... you're gonna stick me with the bill... again.
Snake Well, it is my birthday.
So, now you play the birthday card? That's interesting. [walks up to the counter] Can we get a check please? When you get a chance? Hello? Checkity-check-check? You know what? We're just gonna leave the money right here, okay? [places the money in the tip jar]
Snake You know the one good thing about this place?
What?
Snake We never have to wait for a table.
Snake [to the group]
Hey, man. How you been? I haven't seen you in... SNAKE ATTACK! [the group screams and all hide behind a chair] Ooh, mints. [swallows the whole bowl of mints]
Sorry, folks, I'm switching him to decaf.
Snake Alright.
Both
Let's do this.
It's not letting me in!
Check your system preferences!
Snake You probably need to download a driver!
Try rebooting!
Oh my gosh, you fixed it!
Wolf and Snake
Really?
NO!
[Marmalade leads the Bad Guys to a palm tree, where an orange cat clings onto it]
Hey, look! It's a cat stuck in a tree!
[The cat hisses.]
It doesn't get much simpler than that. Now, what in this scenario would give you that good tingle?
Snake Eating it. [lifts up two bread slices] This is why I always carry two pieces of bread with me.
Snake [still confused]
Skin it?
Stab it!
Tarantula
[bluntly]
Sauté it.
[frustrated]
Save it. I want you to save... It-It's obv-It's so obvious. I want you to save it!
Oh! Right, right… [The gang slowly looks up at the cat with grins, then bare their fangs and sport feral looks] HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!!!
Snake [The terrified cat rushes up further to the top of the tree]
Whoa! That cat is obviously defective.
What is wrong with you? You're gonna give it a heart attack. I'll handle this. [Mr. Piranha strolls over to the base of the tree then the trembling cat watching from above and he jumps and shouts in the cat's face] WHAT'S UP, PAPA?!
[The cat yowls in fear and falls out of the tree onto Wolf's head, clawing his face]
Get him off my face! He's on my face!
No, no, no, no, no! What are you doing?! [The kitten gets off Wolf and rushes back up the tree. A rather annoyed Marmalade calms himself.] OK. What, I may ask, are you good at?
Stealing stuff.
Oh, yeah, we're good at that.
Snake Robbery.
Webs
Larceny.
Wire fraud.
Snake Extortion.
Tax evasion.
Heists.
[Nighttime. Wolf stares at the moon. Then he hears the cat, still stuck in the tree, meow. Wolf approaches the tree as the cat looks down at him and meows]
I think we got off to a bad start. The name's Wolf. [climbs up the tree; the cat cowers in fear and whimpers as if thinking that Wolf is going to hurt him] Yep. [sighs] I get that a lot. First impressions and all. [continues climbing as the cat steps back and jumps onto another frond, which begin to shake] No, no, no, no! [The frond breaks. Wolf catches the cat, just before he could hit the ground, then puts him back in the tree.] Now, it's OK. It's OK. I'm not gonna hurt you. I know you're scared. I would be, too, if I were you. Just give me a chance. [The cat meows.] The truth is, we actually have a lot in common. Don't tell anyone, but I love a little scratch on the spot behind my ears. You know, right there. The best. [The cat recoils as Wolf reaches his hand out to him. He looks to the side as if looking for an avenue of escape then looks back at Wolf] Come on, Kitty. [Kitty sniffs Wolf's hand, then rubs his face on it. He purrs happily as Wolf scratches behinds his ear and holds out his arms. Kitty lands in Wolf's hands and rubs his face against them. Wolf smiles as his furry cheeks stand on end, then slides down to the ground.] Yeah, who's a good kitty? [Kitty meows happily.] Who's a good kitty?
Uh, Wolf? Um... You saved him?
[Kitty meows.]
Yes! [chuckling, having filmed a video about Wolf rescuing Kitty] Yes. It's working.
You-You filmed that?
Yes, and they’re starting to like you.
All right!
This might just be enough to win over the guests at the gala.
Now we're talking!
Snake Yes!
All right!
Yeah, we did it! All right!
[to Marmalade, after discovering his true colors about setting the gang up]
You... It was all you.
What are you talking about, Wolf?
The old lady, the Golden Dolphin, good training. It was all to get us here, so he could steal the meteorite and let us take the fall.
Snake Whoa, whoa. What old lady? And-And why would a guinea pig want a meteorite anyway?
Wait, what? What's going on? Someone turn me around!
All
[shocked]
What?!
You stole the meteorite?!
Oh, it's not just a meteorite.
I told you guys it's a butt!
It's not a butt! It's the ultimate power source. You see, when it struck, scientists found that it emitted an electromagnetic frequency unlike anything else on Earth. I'm going to harness its power to pull off the greatest heist the world has ever seen!
Snake Yep.
But why us?
Because you're the perfect patsies. Come on, when people look up "bad" in the dictionary, do they see a sweet, adorable guinea pig? No! They see you, and they always will.
Snake Okay, fine. But you set us up!
Oh, pish-pish! Let's be honest. Evolution set you up, but Wolfie here really clinched it. [to Wolf] You fell for every one of my traps, starting with saving a helpless little old lady!
Snake Wolf, what's he talking about?
Whoops! Did I say too much? Anyhow, looks like, yet again, the Big Bad Wolf got outsmarted by a little piggy.
[enraged]
You little, pouchy-cheeked RAAAAATT!! [Marmalade quickly kicks the door open, adopting a terrified expression for the public as they see the Professor being "threatened" as Wolf furiously pounces at him.] I'LL KILL YOU! YOU HEAR ME?! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE DEA–! [notices everyone frightened in shock]
Help, help! The Big Bad Wolf is attacking me!
[The Bad Guys were escorted to a S.U.C.M prison on an island after the disastrous gala. They were wrongfully convicted of the meteorite theft instead of Marmalade.]
I can't believe we got double-crossed by a tiny rodent!
Snake Oh, we got double-crossed by a rodent all right. But, uh, not a tiny one.
What?!
Snake This was supposed to be us conning Marmalade. It turns out it was Wolf conning us! Does that sound familiar to you, Wolf?!
Why-Why would you think that?
Snake Oh, I don't know! Maybe because you just sabotaged the biggest heist of our lives! I think you owe us an explanation, buddy.
Okay, you're right. This is what happened. Back in the museum, I just tried to steal an old lady's purse. [gets his mugshot taken] Classic snatch and grab.
"Tried" to? Since when do you try to steal something and not just steal it?
I was trying to steal the purse when the old lady fell and... [clears his throat] I kind of helped her.
Snake What?! [gets his mugshot taken]
I kind of helped her.
But then you stole the purse. [gets his mugshot taken]
No, [chuckles] I didn't! I saved the old lady, and she hugged me. And my tail wagged, and I didn't know what it was, but it felt, uh, you know... good. [The others, except Snake, gasp at this.]
Ah, but then you stole the purse!
Others
[irritated]
NO!
Snake Y'know, I heard what the pig said to you, about cutting us loose.
Wait. Like, "us" us?!
Snake But I never thought you'd actually do it, man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! I-I would never... I was trying to... I was trying to find us a better life!
Snake Our life was perfect until you decided to ruin it!
I didn't! You guys felt it at the gala — the clapping, the cheering. We were more than-than just scary villains! They loved us!
Snake Oh, yeah?! If they "loved" us so much, how come we're in prison for a crime we didn't commit? You know what? I'll give Marmalade this: At least he sees the world for what it is - a place where some people are scary and some people are scared!
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm tired of being scary. I'm… I'm tired of being an outcast. Maybe I don't wanna be—
Snake What? A Bad Guy?! Don't wanna be a Bad Guy anymore, huh? Say it, Wolf! [Wolf just glares at Snake and says nothing.] Yeah, I thought so. And us, your lifelong friends? We're just holding you back?
YEAH, MAYBE YOU ARE!
Snake [Snake gasps softly while Shark, Webs and Piranha look at each other in shock. Then Snake leaps on him, furiously attacking him. The others all gasp in horror.] [starts strangling Wolf]
TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT BACK! APOLOGIZE!
Prison Guard 1
[breaks up Snake and Wolf]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Prison is no place for fighting!
Prison Guard 2
[A guard falls on the prison floor behind them.] [points up, weakened]
Tell that to him.
Huh?
[Snake, Wolf and the guards look up to see the Crimson Paw dropping from the upper floor to the rescue.]
[After the rescue from prison...]
Marmalade needs to be stopped, but I can't do it alone. You know his compound better than anyone.
You can count on us. [to his gang, who are now feeling hurt from his and Snake's fight] Right, guys?
Snake (Uh, what do you mean, "us"?)
There is no "us". We're through, Wolf. Done. Finito.
Because of that little tiff back there? C'mon, man, that's what we do. You serve, I volley. That's our little dance.
Snake Not this time. [slithers away]
Piranha? [Piranha has a furious expression, says nothing and follows Snake, aghast.] Webs?
Shark… [Shark says nothing, hesitates for a moment looking like a lost child who doesn't know where to go, and then also follows Snake.] Hey, guys? Guys?!
Snake [stops slithering and turns to Wolf]
You want to know why I hate birthdays, Wolf? Do you? When you grow up a snake, nobody shows up to your party. Birthdays are a constant reminder that out there, I'm just a scary, good-for-nothing monster. Yeah. But nothing compares to having the one guy… the one guy I thought I could trust... stab me in the back. [Wolf looks heartbroken for hurting his best friend; to the rest of the gang] Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.
[Snake, Piranha, Webs and Shark sadly leave their leader behind while going back to their lair.]
[After Snake, Shark, Webs and Piranha make themselves back home while feeling sulked, they all discover their hideout is empty.]
No!
Snake What?!
All our stuff?
Snake Where is everything?!
Snake It's all gone!
Where's my things?!
Snake Wolf gave away all our loot! We stole it fair and square!
Now I understand what it feels like to have things stolen from you! [shudders his breathing] I DON'T LIKE IT! I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT!!
[Snake looks at the Bad Guys' pictures on the fridge then angrily looks in the freezer to find one last Push Pop.]
We got no food! We got no money! We got no money we could use to buy food! No food we can sell for money! [grunts, then starts sobbing loudly]
Snake [gives Shark his Push Pop]
All right! Okay, okay! Here, here, take it. Now stop crying, buddy.
[Shark sighs while sucking his Push Pop like a baby with a pacifier.]
Um, Snake, what did you just do?
Snake [looks in the refrigerator]
What? My friend was sad; I was just cheering him up.
You… you did a good thing. For me!
Snake Don't be ridiculous. I just put your needs before my own.
Yeah. You’re being good.
Snake I'm not! I was simply making a sacrifice so Shark could be happy.
That is the actual definition of being good!
Snake! You! The worst one of us! The most selfish!
Spiteful!
Terrible!
Sneaky!
Dishonest!
Insensitive!
Manipulative!
Snake-like!
Stanky!
Snake And your point is...?
I think Wolf was right. Maybe we could be more than just scary villains.
[They start wagging uncontrollably, Webs with her abdomen, Shark with his dorsal fin, and Piranha with his "pigtail".]
Wha...?!
Oh, wow! Is this… Is this wagging? We’re-We’re wagging!
Snake [Snake's tail wags with a happy expression on his face, then turns angry.]
No! No! NO! [pushes his tail down] We'll... always... be... BAD GUYS!! [furiously slams the refrigerator door, slithers off to the elevator while breathing heavily]
Snake [to Wolf]
You came back.
Snake. I should've been honest with you. I was afraid that if you knew I-I wanted to be good that you'd...
Snake ...act like a jerk and never talk to you again?
Snake Yeah. I love you, too, buddy.
[Wolf and Snake hug each other.]
This-this is so beautiful. Do you know how beautiful this is, you guys?
Now… Now you're gonna make me cry.
I know! So pathetic, right?
Come on, guys. [holds up a grappling hook] Who said it was the end?
Hey!
[to Wolf and looking at him right in his eyes]
There is absolutely no way you’re gettin' away this time.
Wait, Chief.
Governor Foxington?
Don't do this.
Ow!
They didn't steal the meteorite; they were bringing it back.
Ha! How could you know that? Unless... Unless you were conspiring with a bunch of known criminals!
Well... [clears her throat and removes her glasses] As a matter of fact, it’s time I came clean about something. [Wolf, Snake, Shark, Piranha, and Webs realize that Diane is going to tell Luggins about her secret identity as the Crimson Paw] The truth is I’m really... [clears her throat again] ...r-really...
[cuts in quickly]
Really a big fan of redemption arcs. Yeah, we know. [They understand Wolf's intention, protecting Diane's secret identity from being exposed. Wolf gives the kitty to Diane and holds out his hands to be cuffed. The other Bad Guys follow suit.] We're done running away.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Snake Yep.
Chief, do what you need to do.
What? Y-You're turning yourself in?!
We might not have stolen the meteorite, but we did steal a lotta other things. [Diane watches proudly.] It's time we took some responsibility. Start a clean state. Take us in, Chief.
Wow, really?
You finally did it. This is your moment, Chief. Drink it in. [cuffs himself]
Uhhh... Okay... [unsure, but she's already started talking]
[clears her throat]
When I was 6 years old, I decided that I wanted to play the piccolo, only to find that my fingers were just too powerful for that fragile little instrument. And that’s when I discovered law enforcement...
You know, a fox and a wolf are not that different. You got a good thing going here, Governor.
Wait a second. This isn't the meteorite! [claps twice] It’s a lamp!
Everyone
Huh?
Snake Heheheh.
Everyone
What?!
Snake What? My friend was sad; I was just cheerin’ him up.
I think Wolf was right. Maybe we could be more than just scary villains.
Snake I'm bad, you're bad. Let's be bad together.
You've got yourself a deal.
Snake Can I try it on?
Of course, partner.
Don't mind us, just robbing this place.
No, no, no, no!
Snake Heheh. The old switcheroo.
