Professor Rupert Marmalade IV
That is an animal testing lab with helpless guinea pigs.
Played by Richard Ayoade 
The Bad Guys (2022) · 74 quotes
The Bad Guys (2022) · 74 quotes
...I, Professor Rupert Marmalade IV, will turn The Bad Guys into The Good Guys!
More lines from Professor Rupert Marmalade IV
6 quotes Professor Rupert Marmalade IV
Professor Rupert Marmalade IV
You're going to have to choose between your friends, and the good life.
Professor Rupert Marmalade IV
[from the trailer only]
If you want to stay out of jail, you need to go well.
Professor Rupert Marmalade IV
You villains have an image problem. You need a makeover.
Professor Rupert Marmalade IV
You see, I never cared about what's "good". Only what's good for me.
Professor Rupert Marmalade IV
[last words]
No! No! I'm not the Crimson Paw! Sh-She's the Crimson Paw! She's the Paw! I'M THE FLOWER OF GOODNESS! NO!!
Scenes with Professor Rupert Marmalade IV
6 scenes
Piranha
[referring to the meteorite lamp]
A giant butt!
Marmalade
Huh? Uh... It's... It's not a butt. It's a lamp in the shape of the Love Crater Meteorite, my greatest...
Piranha
I wonder whose butt it is.
Wolf
Uh...
Marmalade
Once again, it's not a butt. Thank you. It's a heart. Now as I was saying...
Piranha
Then why does it have cheeks?
Shark
[Wolf, Snake and Shark try to shush Piranha.]
Shut it!
Piranha
What? I've never seen a heart with cheeks.
Marmalade
It's not a...
Piranha
BOOTY!
Marmalade
[shouting]
IT'S NOT A BUTT! NOT A BUTT!
Piranha
Does he know what a butt is?
Wolf
[Marmalade leads the Bad Guys to a palm tree, where an orange cat clings onto it]
Hey, look! It's a cat stuck in a tree!
Marmalade
[The cat hisses.]
It doesn't get much simpler than that. Now, what in this scenario would give you that good tingle?
Snake
Eating it. [lifts up two bread slices] This is why I always carry two pieces of bread with me.
Marmalade
[with a strained smile]
No. I want you to ssss...
Wolf
[The gang tries to think.]
Smack it!
Snake
[still confused]
Skin it?
Shark
Stab it!
Tarantula
[bluntly]
Sauté it.
Piranha
[innocently]
Sing to it?
Marmalade
[frustrated]
Save it. I want you to save... It-It's obv-It's so obvious. I want you to save it!
The Bad Guys
Oh! Right, right… [The gang slowly looks up at the cat with grins, then bare their fangs and sport feral looks] HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY!!!
Snake
[The terrified cat rushes up further to the top of the tree]
Whoa! That cat is obviously defective.
Piranha
What is wrong with you? You're gonna give it a heart attack. I'll handle this. [Mr. Piranha strolls over to the base of the tree then the trembling cat watching from above and he jumps and shouts in the cat's face] WHAT'S UP, PAPA?!
Wolf
[The cat yowls in fear and falls out of the tree onto Wolf's head, clawing his face]
Get him off my face! He's on my face!
Marmalade
No, no, no, no, no! What are you doing?! [The kitten gets off Wolf and rushes back up the tree. A rather annoyed Marmalade calms himself.] OK. What, I may ask, are you good at?
Piranha
Stealing stuff.
Shark
Oh, yeah, we're good at that.
Snake
Robbery.
Webs
Larceny.
Piranha
Wire fraud.
Snake
Extortion.
Wolf
Tax evasion.
Shark
Heists.
Wolf
[Nighttime. Wolf stares at the moon. Then he hears the cat, still stuck in the tree, meow. Wolf approaches the tree as the cat looks down at him and meows]
I think we got off to a bad start. The name's Wolf. [climbs up the tree; the cat cowers in fear and whimpers as if thinking that Wolf is going to hurt him] Yep. [sighs] I get that a lot. First impressions and all. [continues climbing as the cat steps back and jumps onto another frond, which begin to shake] No, no, no, no! [The frond breaks. Wolf catches the cat, just before he could hit the ground, then puts him back in the tree.] Now, it's OK. It's OK. I'm not gonna hurt you. I know you're scared. I would be, too, if I were you. Just give me a chance. [The cat meows.] The truth is, we actually have a lot in common. Don't tell anyone, but I love a little scratch on the spot behind my ears. You know, right there. The best. [The cat recoils as Wolf reaches his hand out to him. He looks to the side as if looking for an avenue of escape then looks back at Wolf] Come on, Kitty. [Kitty sniffs Wolf's hand, then rubs his face on it. He purrs happily as Wolf scratches behinds his ear and holds out his arms. Kitty lands in Wolf's hands and rubs his face against them. Wolf smiles as his furry cheeks stand on end, then slides down to the ground.] Yeah, who's a good kitty? [Kitty meows happily.] Who's a good kitty?
Webs
Uh, Wolf? Um... You saved him?
Marmalade
[Kitty meows.]
Yes! [chuckling, having filmed a video about Wolf rescuing Kitty] Yes. It's working.
Wolf
You-You filmed that?
Marmalade
Yes, and they’re starting to like you.
Shark
[chuckling]
Yeah!
Piranha
All right!
Marmalade
This might just be enough to win over the guests at the gala.
Piranha
Now we're talking!
Snake
Yes!
Shark
All right!
Webs
Yeah, we did it! All right!
Wolf
[to Marmalade, after discovering his true colors about setting the gang up]
You... It was all you.
Webs
What are you talking about, Wolf?
Wolf
The old lady, the Golden Dolphin, good training. It was all to get us here, so he could steal the meteorite and let us take the fall.
Snake
Whoa, whoa. What old lady? And-And why would a guinea pig want a meteorite anyway?
Shark
[Marmalade chuckles and turns to his evil self.]
Uh, guys? He's creeping me out.
Piranha
Wait, what? What's going on? Someone turn me around!
Marmalade
[to the Bad Guys]
Well, well. So, you finally get it.
All
[shocked]
What?!
Shark
You stole the meteorite?!
Marmalade
Oh, it's not just a meteorite.
Piranha
I told you guys it's a butt!
Marmalade
It's not a butt! It's the ultimate power source. You see, when it struck, scientists found that it emitted an electromagnetic frequency unlike anything else on Earth. I'm going to harness its power to pull off the greatest heist the world has ever seen!
Webs
[to Snake]
You should've eaten him when you had the chance.
Snake
Yep.
Wolf
But why us?
Marmalade
Because you're the perfect patsies. Come on, when people look up "bad" in the dictionary, do they see a sweet, adorable guinea pig? No! They see you, and they always will.
Snake
Okay, fine. But you set us up!
Marmalade
Oh, pish-pish! Let's be honest. Evolution set you up, but Wolfie here really clinched it. [to Wolf] You fell for every one of my traps, starting with saving a helpless little old lady!
Snake
Wolf, what's he talking about?
Marmalade
Whoops! Did I say too much? Anyhow, looks like, yet again, the Big Bad Wolf got outsmarted by a little piggy.
Wolf
[enraged]
You little, pouchy-cheeked RAAAAATT!! [Marmalade quickly kicks the door open, adopting a terrified expression for the public as they see the Professor being "threatened" as Wolf furiously pounces at him.] I'LL KILL YOU! YOU HEAR ME?! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE DEA–! [notices everyone frightened in shock]
Marmalade
Help, help! The Big Bad Wolf is attacking me!
Luggins
[runs to the van]
Oh! Now you are done forever, Wolf! [furiously slams the van's door]
Luggins
Wait a second. This isn't the meteorite! [claps twice] It’s a lamp!
Everyone
Huh?
Snake
Heheheh.
Everyone
What?!
Webs
[A flashback begins.]
Uh... Snake, what did you just do?
Snake
What? My friend was sad; I was just cheerin’ him up.
Webs
I think Wolf was right. Maybe we could be more than just scary villains.
Snake
I'm bad, you're bad. Let's be bad together.
Marmalade
You've got yourself a deal.
Snake
Can I try it on?
Marmalade
Of course, partner.
Wolf
Don't mind us, just robbing this place.
Marmalade
No, no, no, no!
Marmalade
[In the present.]
But if that's a lamp, where is the...?
Snake
Heheh. The old switcheroo.
Luggins
Hold on. This is the Zumpango Diamond, but this was stolen by… [gasps loudly, points to Marmalade] ...by the Crimson Paw!
Marmalade
Me? Oh, oh, no, no, no.
Tiffany
O.M.G.
Marmalade
No, no, no! No, you've got it all wrong!
Tiffany
In a shocking twist...
Marmalade
You're making a huge mistake!
Tiffany
...the notorious bandit, known as the Crimson Paw, has been revealed to be none other than Professor Marmalade.
Marmalade
[gets thrown in the prison vehicle]
No, no, no! I'm not the Crimson Paw, she is the Crimson Paw! [Diane smugly waves at Marmalade goodbye and flashes a victorious grin at him.] She's the Paw! I'm the flower of goodness! NO!
