Leo Bloom Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced with a sailor, a cop and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian.
2nd most-quoted character in The Producers (2005): in 28 of its 117 quotes
Most scenes with: Max Bialystock (16), Ulla (3), Franz Liebkind (2)
"I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock splashes him with a glass of water) ... I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M WET AND I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock then slaps him) ...I'M IN PAIN! I'M IN PAIN AND I'M WET AND I'M HYSTERICAL!"
More lines from Leo Bloom
9 quotes Leo Bloom Leo Bloom I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!
Leo Bloom [Going hysterical, and pointing at Bialystock]
FAT! FAT! FAT-FAT-FATTY-FAT!!!
Leo Bloom Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.
Leo Bloom [Hysterical, as Bialystock is standing over him]
You're gonna jump on me! You're gonna jump on me! I know you are, you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug!
Leo Bloom STOP the world I wanna get on!
Leo Bloom You were right about one thing you are a CPA, a certified public asshole!
Leo Bloom MY BLUE BLANKET! GIVE ME MY BLUE BLANKET!!
Leo Bloom When's it gonna be Bloomsday?
Scenes with Leo Bloom
18 scenes
Do you know who I am?
Leo You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!
Whatta ya say, Bloom?
Leo [sung]
What do I say?
Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer!
What do I say?
Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir!
What do I say? What do I say?
Here's what I say to you, sir... I can't do it!
Leo I'm a fountain?
The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo And two?
[Making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath]
Raise Your right forefingers! I solemnly svear...
Leo and Max
[holding up their right forefingers]
I solemnly svear...
To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo and Max
To obey the Sacred Siegfried Oath...
Und!
Leo [Switching to his middle finger]
Und!
Leo and Max
[Flipping Franz off]
Never, Never, Never.
Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler
Leo and Max
Dishonor the spirit and the... Elizabeth?
Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know it, but der Führer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
Leo and Max
[shrugging]
Adolf ELIZABETH Hitler.
You know, not many people know zis, but der Führer was a terrific dancer.
Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo No, we sure didn't.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
Listen Roger, did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Read it? I devoured it! It's loaded with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Do it? Of course not.
[Music starts] [sung]
The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more...
Leo Gay?
Exactly!
Leo Actors aren't animals! They're human beings!
Have you ever eaten with one?
Leo What's your name?
Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yansen Tallen Hallen Svadon Swanson.
What's your first name?
That was my first name. Would you like to know my last name?
We don't have the time.
Would you like Ulla make audition?
Leo That won't be nece...
Yes, it is nece! Extremely nece!
Leo [to Ulla]
We might have a position for you.
Actually, we might have several positions for you.
Leo So what time can you get here?
Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla exercise. From seven to eight Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo and Max
Eleven.
Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
God dag min vannina!
Leo and Max
God dag min vannina... ninna...
God bless America!
Leo Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.
Leo [Screams hysterically]
[Max runs over and splashes Leo with a glass of water]
Leo I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET!
[Max slaps Leo]
Leo [Pauses]
I'M IN PAIN! I'M WET AND IN PAIN! AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL [Babbles]
What can I do? You're making me hysterical
Leo Get away, you're too close, you frighten me!
I frighten you?!
Leo Get down over there, sit over there!
I'm sitting! I'm sitting!
Leo [Flinches]
You still look angry!
I'm sorry, is this better? [Grins goofily] [In Childish, patronising voice] Who's my little accountant? Who's my little accountant? Are you my little accountant? Yes you are!
Leo [Now calm]
Thank you for smiling, that helped a great deal!
I'll take your coats, and hats...and your swastikas.
Max (to Leo)
You didn't tell me we were still wearing them!
Leo I didn't notice.
Sorry. Just came from a big rally, everyone was wearing one.
Leo I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.
"Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.
Leo [sung]
I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not
Accountants
[sung]
Unhappy... unhappy... So unhappy
Leo and Accountants
[sung]
Very very very very very very very...
Accountants
[sung]
Sad.
Leo [sung]
I wanna be a producer... [spoken] Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!
Mr. Marks Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.
Leo I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!
Leo [sung]
I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come!
Chorus Girls and Accountants
[sung]
Broadway, here he comes!
Leo Mr. DeBris, Roger, Roger, actually I think your gown is very stunning
Why thank you Mr Bloom. Leo. [sniffing] Mmm, what is that enchanting cologne your wearing?
Leo Me? I'm not wearing any cologne.
You mean that smell is you. Oh, God. If I could bottle you I'd shove you under my armpits everyday.
Other characters in The Producers
More Matthew Broderick characters
Ferris Bueller
Simba
Colonel Robert Gould Shaw
Simba
David Lightman
Despereaux
RoboGadget
James T. "Jim" McAllister