Ferris Bueller [Speaking about his parents:]
They bought it. Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second.
Most-quoted character in Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986): in 42 of its 88 quotes
Most scenes with: Cameron Frye (18), Sloane Peterson (5), Ed Rooney (3)
Who is it? [pause] Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Have a nice day!
More lines from Ferris Bueller
16 quotes Ferris Bueller Ferris Bueller This is my ninth sick day this semester. It's getting pretty tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten, I'm probably gonna have to barf up a lung. So I better make this one count.
Ferris Bueller Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Ferris Bueller I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?
Ferris Bueller The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom. I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you a good phoney fever is a deadlock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office—that's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then again, so is high school.
Ferris Bueller If anybody needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has a lot of things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound up this tight and go to college, his roommate will kill him.
Ferris Bueller [After playing the Clarinet off-key]
Never had one lesson!
Ferris Bueller [to audience]
Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.
Ferris Bueller [referring to the Ferrari]
It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.
Ferris Bueller I did have a test today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists - that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car.
Ferris Bueller Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, 'I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.' Good point there. After all, he was 'The Walrus'. I could be the walrus, but I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
Ferris Bueller Cameron has never been in love. At least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.
Ferris Bueller [to Sloane]
Do you have a kiss for Daddy?
Ferris Bueller Do you realize that if we played by the rules right now we'd be in gym?
Ferris Bueller [To the audience after the credits]
You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go!
Ferris Bueller If anybody needs a day off it's Cameron. He's got a lotta things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound up this tight and go to college. His roommate'll kill him. Pardon my French, but Cameron is so uptight, if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in 2 weeks, you'd have a diamond.
Scenes with Ferris Bueller
25 scenes
Are you also aware, Mrs. Bueller, that Ferris does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record?
Katie Bueller
I don't understand.
He has missed an unacceptable number of school days. In the opinion of this educator, Ferris is not taking his academic growth seriously. Now I've spent my morning examining his records. If Ferris thinks that he can just coast through this month and still graduate, he is sorely mistaken. I have no reservations whatsoever about holding him back another year.
Katie Bueller
This is all news to me.
It usually is. So far this semester he has been absent nine times.
Katie Bueller
Nine times?
Nine times.
Katie Bueller
I don't remember him being sick nine times.
That's probably because he wasn't sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It's a fool's paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path.
Katie Bueller
I can't believe it.
I've got it right here in front of me. He has missed nine days...
Ferris [His computer screen begins counting down from nine to two. Ferris is at home looking at the same screen]
I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?
Ferris Cameron, babe! What's happening?
Very little.
Ferris Is your mother in the room?
She's in Decatur. Unfortunately she's not staying.
Ferris If you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend.
You've been saying that since the fifth grade.
Ferris [Phone rings, and Cameron answers] [over the phone]
You're not dying, you just can't think of anything good to do. Now be a man! Take some Pepto Bismol and come over here!
Ferris Where's your brain?
Why'd you kick me?
Ferris Where's your brain?
Why'd you kick me?
Ferris Where's your brain?
I asked you first.
Ferris How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney is there with her?
I said for her to be there alone and you freaked.
Ferris Now, I didn't hit you. I lightly slapped you.
You hit me. Look don't make me participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way I do it. You make me get out of bed, you make me come over here. You make me make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney? The man could squash my nuts into oblivion. And-and-and then, and then, you deliberately hurt my feelings.
The 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love. It is his passion...
Ferris It is his fault he didn't lock the garage.
Ferris, my father loves this car more than life itself.
Ferris A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile.
No. No! Apparently, you don't understand!
Ferris Wow.
Ferris, he never drives it! He just rubs it with a diaper!
Ferris Mr. Rooney would never believe Mr. Peterson drives that piece of shit.
It's not piece of shit.
Ferris It is a piece of shit! Don't worry about it, I don't even have a piece of shit! I have to envy yours.
Oh, thanks.
Ferris Look, it's real simple. Whatever mileage we put on, we'll take off.
How?
Ferris We'll drive home backwards.
[Ferris slowly pulls the Ferrari out of the garage]
No, Ferris. I'm putting my foot down. You're just gonna have to think of something else. Ferris! We could call a limo! One of those stretch jobs with the TV and the bar. How about that?
Ferris [Ferris pulls the car back slightly]
Come on. Live a little!
Ferris Do you have a kiss for Daddy?
Are you kidding? [kisses him]
[watching them, believing Ferris to be Sloane's father]
Hmm. So, that's how it is in their family.
What are we going to do?
Ferris The question isn't "what are we going to do," the question is "what aren't we going to do?"
Please don't say were not going to take the car home. Please don't say were not going to take the car home. Please don't say were not going to take the car home.
Ferris [to the camera]
If you had access to a car like this, would you take it back right away? Neither would I.
Ferris Hi. Do you speak English?
Garage Attendant Uh, what country do you think this is?
The city looks so peaceful from up here.
Ferris Anything looks peaceful from one thousand three hundred and fifty-three feet.
I think I see my dad.
Maitre D' You're Abe Froman?
Ferris That's right, I'm Abe Froman.
Maitre D' The Sausage King of Chicago?
Ferris Uh yeah, that's me.
Maitre D' Look, I'm very busy. Why don't you take the kids and go back to the clubhouse?
Ferris Are you suggesting that I'm not who I say I am?
Maitre D' I'm suggesting that you leave before I have to get snooty.
Ferris Snooty?
Maitre D' Snotty.
Ferris Snotty?
Okay Ferris, can we just let it go, please?
Ferris, please. You've gone too far. We're going to get busted.
Ferris A: You can never go too far. B: If I'm gonna get busted, it is not gonna be by a guy like that.
Maitre D' All right, I've had enough of this-
Ferris You touch me, I yell rat!
Ferris Four thousand restaurants in the downtown area, I pick the one my father goes to.
We're pinched, for sure.
Ferris Only the meek get pinched. The bold survive. [adjusts his beret] Let's go.
Let's surrender.
Ferris Never.
Ferris What's he doing?
He's licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands.
Ferris Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we'd like to play a little tune for you. It's one of my personal favorites and I'd like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today - Cameron Frye, this one's for you.
Ferris! Get off of the float!
Ferris Cameron, what have you seen today?
Nothing good.
Ferris Nothing - wha - what do you mean nothing good? We've seen everything good. We've seen the whole city! We went to a museum, we saw priceless works of art! We ate pancreas!
Ferris Cameron? How many miles did you say this thing had when we left?
One hundred and twenty six and halfway between three and four tenths. Why? How many miles are on it now? [glances at odometer, which reads 301.7 miles]
Ferris [to audience]
Here's where Cameron goes berserk.
[Cameron screams, which can be heard all aroun Chicago]
What'd I do?
Ferris You killed the car.
Yes, that's what Mr. Peterson said. I had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane, poor little lamb.
Oh it's so hard to tell these days. I do see her with Ferris Bueller quite a little bit.
Would you get me Mr. Peterson's daytime number, please?
Sure. [picks up ringing phone] Ed Rooney's office.
Oh! Uh, please hold. [to Rooney] What do ya know? It's Mr. Peterson. You still want his daytime number? [realizing, as Rooney shoots her a dirty look] Oh.
Ed. This is George Peterson.
How are you today, sir?
Well, we've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it's been a tough morning, and, uh, we got a lot of family business to take care of, so if you wouldn't mind excusing Sloane, I'd appreciate it.
Uh, sure. Y'know, I'd be happy to. Yeah. You, uh, you-you just produce a corpse, and, uh, I'll release Sloane. I wanna see this dead grandmother first hand.
[covering the phone; thinking he's talking to Ferris Bueller]
It's alright, Grace, it's Ferris Bueller, the little twerp. I'm gonna set a trap, and let him fall right into it.
Ooh!
Uh, uh, Ed, I-I'm sorry, did-- Did you say you wanted to see a body?
Yeah, that's right, just, uh, roll her old bones on over here, and I'll dig up your daughter. You know, that's school policy.
Oh.
Uh, was this your mother?
Uh, n-no, my wife's mother.
Ferris Hi, this is Ferris Bueller. Can I speak to Mr. Rooney, please? Thank you.
Tell ya what, dipshit. You don't like my policies, you can come on down here and smooch my big ol' white butt.
Pucker up, Buttercup. [to Grace; quietly] What?
Ferris Bueller's on Line 2.
Ferris [Mr. Rooney freezes, turning to the phone in horror] [Over the phone]
Hiya, Mr. Rooney, how ya doin? Listen, I'm sorry to disturb you at work but I'm not feeling very well today and I was wondering if it might be possible for my sister to bring home any assignments from my classes that I might need. Have a nice day. [Hangs up]
Ferris Where's your brain!?
Why'd you kick me!?
Ferris Where's your brain!?
Why'd you kick me?
Ferris Where's your brain?
I asked you first.
Ferris How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney is there with her?
I said for her to be there alone and you freaked.
Ferris And I, I didn't hit you. I lightly slapped you.
You hit me. Look, don't ask me to participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way I do it. [Ferris makes a mocking face] You make me get out of bed, you make me come over here. You make me make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney!? The man could squash my nuts into oblivion and then, and then, you deliberately hurt my feelings.
Ferris No, no, I did not. I didn't deliberately hurt your feelings
Oh, really? Really?
Ferris No, no, I didn't.
Ferris [Cameron takes his jersey off the coat rack and heads for the front door]
What are you doing?
See you later, pal. I'm going home.
Ferris Oh, come on, come on, don't do that.
Have a nice life.
Ferris Oh, Cameron, wait a minute. Come back. I didn't mean to lose my temper. I'm sorry, it was uncalled for.
You serious?
Ferris Yeah. Here you go. [Hands him a cup of tea]
Thank you.
Ferris You did screw up though, right? I mean, not that it was completely your fault.
Why?
Ferris Well, to fix the situation, I'm going to have to ask you for a small favor.
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