"I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock splashes him with a glass of water) ... I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M WET AND I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock then slaps him) ...I'M IN PAIN! I'M IN PAIN AND I'M WET AND I'M HYSTERICAL!"
Max Bialystock
Nathan Lane · 48 quotes
Leo Bloom
Matthew Broderick · 28 quotes
Franz Liebkind
Will Ferrell · 23 quotes
Roger De Bris
Gary Beach · 22 quotes
Carmen Ghia
Roger Bart · 14 quotes
Ulla
Uma Thurman · 9 quotes
Most scenes together: Max Bialystock & Leo Bloom (16), Max Bialystock & Franz Liebkind (4), Max Bialystock & Ulla (4)
The Producers quotes
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Brazilian Samba Performer
[Sung]
You'll find your happiness in Rio! The beaches there are strewn with pearls! The latin breezes always blow there! And so, we hear, do the girls!
Mr. Marks Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?
Sing Sing Prison Guard Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for having - through song and dance - brought joy and laughter into the hearts of every murderer, rapist, and sex maniac in Sing Sing! You're free!
Stormtrooper "Mel" Don't be stupid, be a smartie. Come and join the Nazi Party.
Stormtrooper "Rolf" I was born in Düsseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf.
He's having a stroke.
What?!
Of genius!!
Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling? Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!
Who was that?
Wrong number!
Jaques La Peduex [both Carmen and Roger look around, but no one steps forward] Jaques La Peduex [Roger looks at the name card and whispers into Carmen's ear] Jack Lapidus...
Well as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on you're only half dressed.
Well then, why don't you go and get it, oh Wicked Witch of the Wessst?
[after a long pause]
If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... BULLSEYE!
I'll take your coats, and hats...and your swastikas.
Max (to Leo)
You didn't tell me we were still wearing them!
I didn't notice.
Sorry. Just came from a big rally, everyone was wearing one.
Donald Dinsmore I would like to sing "The little wooden boy. "
[the song intro plays as Donald dances. Just before he is about to open his mouth...]
NEXT!
[furiously barges in waving a gun around]
You have broken ze Siegfried Oas! YOU MUST DIE! YOU ALL MUST DIE!!!
[Everyone panics and hides as Franz attempts to shoot them]
What are you doing, you neo-Nazi nitwit? Your show's a hit!
Who cares?!? You made a fool out of Hitler!
Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris
He didn't need our help.
[Making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath]
Raise Your right forefingers! I solemnly svear...
Leo and Max
[holding up their right forefingers]
I solemnly svear...
To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo and Max
To obey the Sacred Siegfried Oath...
Und!
Leo and Max
[Flipping Franz off]
Never, Never, Never.
Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler
Leo and Max
Dishonor the spirit and the... Elizabeth?
Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know it, but der Führer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
Leo and Max
[shrugging]
Adolf ELIZABETH Hitler.
Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris
He didn't need our help.