Max Bialystock There's more to you than there is to you. (Turns head and mouths "What the F***")
Played by Nathan Lane 
The Producers (2005) · 117 quotes
The Producers (2005) · 117 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Producers (2005): in 48 of its 117 quotes
Most scenes with: Leo Bloom (16), Franz Liebkind (4), Ulla (4)
Even though we're sitting down, Mr Bloom and I are giving you a standing ovation.
More lines from Max Bialystock
22 quotes Max Bialystock Max Bialystock We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?
Max Bialystock [after seeing Franz perform at the auditions]
THAT'S OUR HITLER!
Max Bialystock [with a very high Irish accent]
I'm going to get out of here before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country... [normal voice] TAXI!
Max Bialystock I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!
Max Bialystock What are you shooting at us for, you teutonic TWIT?!
Max Bialystock Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Lick me bite me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!
Max Bialystock [to a prisoner in Sing Sing]
What are you in for, lack of rhythm?
Max Bialystock I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.
Max Bialystock Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!
Max Bialystock Dear Lord... I want that money!
Max Bialystock [holding play]
Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it! It's the mother load...
Max Bialystock For once, I would love to see someone on that couch who's under eighty-five!
Max Bialystock Let's get out of here before they kill us.
Max Bialystock Leo, you are nervous, over-stimulated. GIVE ME THOSE FRIGGIN' BOOKS!
Max Bialystock Well, you know what they say: "smile and the world smiles with you". (to bust) This man should be in a straightjacket!
Max Bialystock (reading a play)
As Gregor Samsa woke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a giant cockroach. (speaking) Nah, too good.
Max Bialystock There was a time when I was young and gay...but straight. (from deleted scene, 'King of Broadway')
Max Bialystock Please make audition - make audition allll over the office.
Max Bialystock [After Ulla has painted the entire room white, he goes to the safe with the tax books]
...She painted over the numbers...
Max Bialystock [with a very high Irish accent]
And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country... [normal voice] TAXI!
Max Bialystock [reading a postcard]
Dear Max, Rio is everything you said it was and more. Ulla and i think of you every chance we get. In the morning, when we have Breakfast on our Terrace, many different Herrings. In the afternoon, we rub each other's sun-drenched bodies with Banana Cream Coconut Oil, Number 15. And then, in the evening, when we samba together in the moonlight.... Sorry, must run, Ulla's waiting. It's almost 11, wish you were here. Your pal, Leo!
Scenes with Max Bialystock
25 scenes Max I was a protege of the great Boris Tomashevsky. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his death bed and said: "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"
Nun
What does that mean?
Max Who knows, I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart, I knew what he was saying. He was saying when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout: "Who do you have to **** to get a break in this stinking town?"
Max Do you know who I am?
You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
Max No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!
Max Whatta ya say, Bloom?
[sung]
What do I say?
Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer!
What do I say?
Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir!
What do I say? What do I say?
Here's what I say to you, sir... I can't do it!
I'm a fountain?
Max [yelling]
Yes You're a Fountain!
Max The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
And two?
Max [yelling]
Never put your own money in the show!
Leo and Max
We can do it! We can do it!
Max Every show I touch I doom!
Leo and Max
We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!
He's having a stroke.
Max What?!
Of genius!!
[Making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath]
Raise Your right forefingers! I solemnly svear...
Leo and Max
[holding up their right forefingers]
I solemnly svear...
To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo and Max
To obey the Sacred Siegfried Oath...
Und!
Max [Switching to his middle finger]
Und!
Leo and Max
[Flipping Franz off]
Never, Never, Never.
Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler
Leo and Max
Dishonor the spirit and the... Elizabeth?
Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know it, but der Führer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
Max [long pause]
Is that right?
Leo and Max
[shrugging]
Adolf ELIZABETH Hitler.
You know, not many people know zis, but der Führer was a terrific dancer.
Max Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
No, we sure didn't.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
Max Listen Roger, did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Read it? I devoured it! It's loaded with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Do it? Of course not.
[Music starts] [sung]
The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more...
Gay?
Exactly!
Actors aren't animals! They're human beings!
Max Have you ever eaten with one?
What's your name?
Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yansen Tallen Hallen Svadon Swanson.
Max What's your first name?
That was my first name. Would you like to know my last name?
Max We don't have the time.
Would you like Ulla make audition?
That won't be nece...
Max Yes, it is nece! Extremely nece!
Max Actually, we might have several positions for you.
So what time can you get here?
Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla exercise. From seven to eight Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo and Max
Eleven.
Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max [holding his head in his hands]
Ulla will come at eleven...
God dag min vannina!
Leo and Max
God dag min vannina... ninna...
God bless America!
Max [Ulla leaves]
God bless Sweden!
Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Max Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.
Leo, Max, Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris
Break a leg!
Max [CRASH!]
Franz, what happened?
I broke my leg!
I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET!
[Max slaps Leo]
Max What can I do? You're making me hysterical
Get away, you're too close, you frighten me!
Max I frighten you?!
Get down over there, sit over there!
Max I'm sitting! I'm sitting!
Max I'm sorry, is this better? [Grins goofily] [In Childish, patronising voice] Who's my little accountant? Who's my little accountant? Are you my little accountant? Yes you are!
I'll take your coats, and hats...and your swastikas.
Max (to Leo)
You didn't tell me we were still wearing them!
I didn't notice.
Max Sorry. Just came from a big rally, everyone was wearing one.
Hold Me-Touch Me I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy.
Max Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Hold Me-Touch Me Don't worry, I'll be gentle. Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?
Max Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!
I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.
Max "Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.
Remember when Ulla dance?
Max and Leo
Yes.
Ulla dance again!
Max Ulla dance again!!!
The punishment for breaking the Zigfried Oaths is dess.
Max Dess? Is that anything like 'Death'?
Yeth!
Hold-Me Touch-Me I made it out just like you told me to: To the title of the play. "Cash". It's a funny sort of name for a play, "Cash"...
Max So is "The Iceman Cometh."
Mailman
Mail call! Hey! Fatso!
Max I'm not that fat!
Mailman
Says you.
