[after knocking out Fezzik]
I don't envy you the headache you'll have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well...and dream of large women.
Inigo Montoya
Mandy Patinkin · 28 quotes
Westley
Cary Elwes · 27 quotes
Buttercup
18 quotes
Vizzini
Wallace Shawn · 17 quotes
Fezzik
André Roussimoff · 14 quotes
Man in Black
14 quotes
Prince Humperdinck
Chris Sarandon · 12 quotes
Count Rugen
Christopher Guest · 10 quotes
Miracle Max
Billy Crystal · 7 quotes
Grandpa
6 quotes
Grandson
Fred Savage · 6 quotes
Grandfather
Peter Falk · 3 quotes
Valerie
Carol Kane · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Westley & Buttercup (7), Inigo Montoya & Man in Black (6), Inigo Montoya & Fezzik (6)
The Princess Bride quotes
Page 8 of 8[to Westley]
Beautiful, isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure that you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really, that's all this is, except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. [the machine activates; Westley screams] I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel? [Westley whimpers] Interesting.
[The Man in Black has come upon Vizzini holding Buttercup hostage with her hands tied, blindfolded, and a dagger at her throat]
So, it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.
Let me explain.
There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
Then perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her!
But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brain.
Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?
Yes.
Morons!
Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
For the princess? [the Man in Black nods] To the death? [he nods again] I accept. [re-sheathes his dagger]
Good. Then pour the wine. [Vizzini pours the wine, and the Man in Black pulls out a small vial] Inhale this, but do not touch.
What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. [puts the goblets behind his back and, presumably, adds the poison to one of them, then sets them down in front of him] All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right...and who is dead.
But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool. You would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
You've made your decision then?
Not remotely! Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows! And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Wait till I get going! Where was I?
Australia.
Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
You're just stalling now.
You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you! But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Man in Black Then make your choice.
I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be? [points at a rock behind the Man in Black]
What? Where? [when he turns to look, Vizzini swaps the goblets] I don't see anything.
Well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [snickers quietly]
What's so funny?
I-I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
[last words]
You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian WHEN DEATH IS ON THE LINE!" [laughs hysterically, but suddenly freezes mid-laugh and literally drops dead; the Man in Black removes Buttercup's blindfold and unties her hands]
Who are you?
I am no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.
To think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.
The Albino [raspy voice]
The Pit of Despair! Don't even think... [coughs, clears throat, continues in a normal voice] ...don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. Don't dream of being rescued, either; the only way in is secret. Only the Prince, the Count, and I know how to get in and out.
So I'm here till I die?
The Albino Until they kill you, yeah.
Then why bother curing me?
The Albino Well, the Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.
So it's to be torture? [Albino nods enthusiastically] I can cope with torture. [Albino shakes head enthusiastically] Don't believe me?
The Albino You survived the Fire Swamp, so you must be very brave, but no one withstands The Machine.
[appears with Count Rugen]
She has been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her.
Of course.
The King died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.
My father's final words were...
Hold it! Hold it! Grandpa, you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Westley. I'm just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair.
I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!
Do you want me to go on with this?
Yes.
All right, then, no more interruptions. At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.
Your princess is quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps. Her appeal is undeniable.
I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged - they'll demand we go to war.
[snickers, then examines the huge tree]
Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find... [finds it and the tree opens to reveal the passage into the pit] Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Wesley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight.
[sincerely]
Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work...but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.
Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything. [smiles at Prince Humperdinck]
Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
The king's stinking son fired me! And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject! While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed! Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad!
I'm on the Brute Squad.
We need a miracle. It's really important.
Look, I'm retired! And, besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle!
He's already dead!
He is, eh? I'll take a look at him. Bring him in.
[in Max's hut, Fezzik places Wesley's body on the table. Max raises Wesley's limp arm, then drops it]
I've seen worse. [continues examining Wesley]
Sir? Sir? We're in a terrible rush.
Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle, man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Sixty-five.
Sheesh! I've never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause.
This is noble, sir. His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.
Are you a rotten liar.
I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these 20 years.
Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cram? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.
He's dead, he can't talk.
Woo hoo-hoo, look who knows so much, huh? Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only "mostly dead." There's a big difference between "mostly dead" and "all dead." Please, open his mouth. [Inigo opens Wesley's mouth, to put the bellows in] Now, "mostly dead" is slightly alive. [starts pumping air through the bellows] Now, "all dead"...well, with "all dead", there's usually only one thing you can do.
What's that?
Go through his clothes and look for loose change.