Most scenes together: Prime Minister & Natalie (5), Sam & Daniel (5), Jamie & Aurelia (5)
He says no one's going to fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.
Right. Goodness. Well, well. You know, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.
Thank you, sir. I'll think about it.
Do. The SAS are absolutely charming. Ruthless trained killers are just a phone call away.
Parky This must be a very exciting moment for you, fighting for the Christmas number one. How's it looking so far?
Very bad indeed. Blue are outselling me five to one. But I'm hoping for a late surge. And if I reach number one, I promise to sing the song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.
Parky Do you mean that?
Well of course I mean it. Do you want a preview? You old flirt.
Parky That'll never make number one!
Mr. President, has it been a good visit?
Very satisfactory indeed. We got what we came for and our special relationship is still very special.
Prime Minister?
I love that word "relationship". Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship. A relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm... Britain. We may be a small country but we're a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that.
Right. So, not quite as secret as we'd hoped.
Right. What should we do?
Smile. Give a little bow. Wave.
Ah, hello. Is, er, Natalie in?
Hello.
Hello, does Natalie live here?
No she doesn't.
Oh dear. OK.
Are you singing carols?
Er, no. No, I'm not.
Please, sir, please. Please.
Well, I suppose I could.
Please.
All right.
Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen / When the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even / Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel / When a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fuel.
Thank you. Merry Christmas.
[Girl shuts door]
I'm not so sure politics and dating really go together.
The President Really? I never found that.
Yes, well, the difference is that you're sickeningly handsome whereas I look increasingly like my Aunt Mildred.
Radio DJ Hi, Billy!
Hello.
Radio DJ We're live across the country, and you're number one!
Radio DJ How will you be celebrating?
I don't know. Uh, either I could behave like a real rock-and-roll loser, and get drunk with my fat manager, or when I hang up I'll be bombarded with invitations to a large number of glamorous parties.
Radio DJ Let's hope it's the second, Billy. And here it is again, Number One by Billy Mack, it's "Christmas Is All Around."
Oh, Jesus, not that crap again! [laughs]
Looking for anything in particular, sir?
Ah, yeah. That necklace there, how much is it?
Rufus It's £270, sir.
Oh, alright, I'll have it, thanks.
Lovely. Would you like it gift-wrapped?
Oh. Yeah, why not.
Lovely. Just pop that in there. (puts in in a box, measures out ribbon)
Can we be quite quick?
Certainly, sir. Ready in the flashiest of flashes. (ties ribbon) There.
That's great!
Not...quite. (gets a small bag)
I don't need a bag, I'll just put it in my pocket.
Oh this isn't a bag, sir.
No?
This is so much more than a bag. (puts box in bag and sets it upright)
Can we be quite quick?
Prontissimo! (fills the bag with flowers petals and lavender. Brings out something else)
What's that?!
It's a cinnamon stick, sir.
Can we get a move on?
You won't regret it.
Wanna bet?
There. Almost finished.
"Almost finished"?! What else are you gonna do, you gonna dip it in yoghurt? Cover it in chocolate buttons?
No, sir. Just pop it in the Christmas box.
But I don't want a Christmas box!
You said you wanted it gift-wrapped sir.
I did, but-
This is the final flourish, sir.
Can I just pay?!
All we need now...
Oh God!
Is a sprig of holly.
No! No! No bloody holly!
By the way, I feel bad. I never asked you how your love life is going.
No. As you know, that was a done deal long ago. Unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls, in which case I want you out of the house straight away, you wee motherless mongrel.
Oh?
No, no, we'll want to have sex in every room. Including yours.
Daniel, I have a plan!
Thank the Lord! Tell me.
Well, girls love musicians, don't they?
Uh-huh.
Even the really weird ones get girlfriends.
That's right. Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl!
Whatever. There's a big concert at the end of the term, and Joanna's going to be in it. I thought, if I was in the concert, and played really, really well, there's a chance she might fall in love with me. What do you think?
I think it's brilliant! It's stellar! Uh, apart from the one little, obvious, tiny, little baby hiccup...
That I don't play a musical instrument.
Yessir.
A tiny, insignificant detail.
What?
I just thought I'd ask the blunt question in case it was the right one and you needed someone to talk to about it.
How do you say this one?
Uh, Bottle.
Stacey, American Dreamgirl, Jeannie, American Angel, Carol-Anne, American Goddess: [giggling, mimicking accent] BOHT-el!
How 'bout this?
Straw.
Stacey, American Dreamgirl, Jeannie, American Angel, Carol-Anne, American Goddess': [mimicking accent] Strohw!
And this?
Table.
Stacey, American Dreamgirl, Jeannie, American Angel, Carol-Anne, American Goddess: [starting to repeat] Tab - Oh, the same. It's the same.
[Colin nods apologetically]
Peter No surprises?
No surprises.
Peter Not like the stag night?
Unlike the stag night.
Peter Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?
I do.
Peter And it would have been much better if they'd not turned out to be men?
That is true.
Oh God, she's in. And now she'll think I'm a total spaz if I don't go in too.
It's not worth it you know, this isn't bloody Shakespeare.
Just stop, stop.
I really must do copies.
