Valerie My dad's an optometrist.
My dad's in hell and he's falling apart.
Tied for 7th most-quoted character in Little Nicky (2000): in 6 of its 90 quotes
Most scenes with: Nicky (5), Blind deacon (2)
Scenes with Valerie
6 scenes Valerie Valerie [after Nicky attacks the Blind deacon for insulting him and Valerie]
Did you do that?
No one calls my girl an evil slut.
Your glasses are pretty; they make your eyes look big and sparkly. It's fun looking at them.
Valerie Oh. My dad's an optometrist.
My dad's in Hell and he's falling apart.
Street vendor
[appears while Nicky is sleeping in Central Park]
My man's into deep nocturnal shit. [steals Nicky's flask] Whoo! Mm-hmm, yeah!
Yo, man, I think that guy just stole his stuff!
Should we wake him up?
Yeah. You do it.
Rise and shine, Devil Guy! Some dude just stole your shit!
What?! Where?! [exhales fire; John and Pete stare in amazement] Which way did he go?
Uh, that way!
Thanks! Give me back my flask!
Did you check out the dragon mouth?!
The Dark Prince is here! [they head-butt one another]
Street vendor
Check out my stuff, I got a low price! Uh, I got a pepper shaker! I got a silver doodad from Africa!
Street vendor
See something you like, my man?
Yes, I would like my flask back!
Street vendor
You're calling me a thief, my man?
I'm calling you the guy who has my flask.
Street vendor
How would I have it unless I was, in fact, a thief?
I don't know.
Customer
[Deleted scene; a customer arrives]
Ooh. How much for the silver flask there?
Street vendor
Ah, my man. Business, business, business. That's a special item selling. The cap alone is one hundred percent pure... plappium.
"Plappium"?
Street vendor
It's valued at over three hundred dollars.
Customer
Really? What's it from?
It was handcrafted in Hell by Satan himself, and its sole purpose is to get the Fireball of Hades burning once again.
Customer
I'm gonna keep looking.
Street vendor
[Theatrical version resumes]
Now, you've done it. You've messed with my business, bitch!
I would appreciate it if you would keep your voice down! [flames appear in Nicky's eyes]
Street vendor
Oh, you're going all crazy eyed on me? I'll show you some crazy eye! [clicks tongue really fast with fists up] Look at this, come on, let's get busy!
Valerie Excuse me, sir?
Street vendor
Who?
Valerie Does, um, that flask belong to this man?
Street vendor
Now you're going to call me a thief, too?! Damn!
Valerie Okay, look. Today, the guy you ripped off just happened to walk by and bust you, so why don't you just…give him the flask back?
Street vendor
What're you going to do if I don't, bite me with your snaggletooth?
Valerie No. But maybe that policeman over there might have something to say.
Street vendor
Awwwww, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy! [turns to Valerie] And you, get your raggedy-ass clothes and find yourself another corner, before I show you what crazy really is!
Valerie Fine, I will!
Street vendor
I'm a business man! Blah-blah-blah-blah!
I'll be seeing you in a few years. [street vendor clicks tongue really fast at Nicky as he leaves]
The hell beast is above us!! And I can smell an evil slut! [Nicky shoots him with water from fire hydrant] Whoa, devil!!
Valerie [to Nicky]
Did you do that?
Nobody calls my girl an evil slut.
Why're you taunting me with your darkness?! Your evil, it's stinking up our streets! The end is near!! We are all going to die!! [runs into a lamppost]
Valerie This town is really going to Hell lately!
