If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?
Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.
Fletcher Reede
Jim Carrey · 63 quotes
Max Reede
Justin Cooper · 40 quotes
Audrey
Maura Tierney · 9 quotes
Judge
5 quotes
Judge Stevens
Jason Bernard · 5 quotes
Samantha
Jennifer Tilly · 5 quotes
Dana
Swoosie Kurtz · 4 quotes
Greta
Anne Haney · 4 quotes
Miranda
Amanda Donohoe · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Fletcher Reede & Max Reede (36), Fletcher Reede & Audrey (8), Max Reede & Audrey (8)
Liar Liar quotes
Page 3 of 5Is wrestling real?
In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.
Mom? Dad?
[Audrey and Fletcher are kissing]
MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?
No. I wished for rollerblades!
Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad?
I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm...
Oh no... it's the claw!
NO ONE CAN STOP THE CLAW!
My dad? He's... a liar.
Teacher A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
Teacher Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.
My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
That's just something ugly people say.
He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
Mr. Allen
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]
That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons.
Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a ****, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins.
Mr. Allen
[roaring with laughter]
Priceless!
[talking to each member in turn]
You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! SLUUUUUUUTTT! [points at Miranda]
Mr. Allen
I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!
Office Worker
Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Police Officer
I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!
Who did this?
A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.
What did he look like?
About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly.
Receptionist
Hey, Mr Reede! Like the new dress?
Whatever takes the focus off your head!
From the outtakes
Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Your Honor, I object!
You would!
OVERACTOR!
JEZEBEL!
Jim Carrey
Oh no, they're on to me!
Cop You know why I pulled you over?
Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop Why don't we just take it from the top?
Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!
Cop Is that all?
No... I have unpaid parking tickets. [opens his car's glove compartment; a huge pile of tickets spills out] Be gentle.
Well, something else is about to happen to you, Fletcher: Max and I are moving to Boston.
What?
Jerry has asked me to marry him, so Max and I are going with him this weekend to look at some houses.
I thought it was "semi-serious."
Yeah, well it just took a violent shove into "serious."
You can't move to Boston, I'll never see Max!
Well, then you'll pretty much have the same relationship with him that you have now, won't you?
Mr. Falk, do you know my client, Samantha Cole?
Kenneth Yes.
Isn't it true that your relationship with my client is entirely platonic? [to the judge] I object, your Honor!
To yourself?
Yeah. But I would like to rephrase the question. [to the witness] Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? [to the judge] I object, your Honor, and I move to strike!
Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick.
Thank you, sir. [to the witness] Is your relationship with my client entirely platonic? NOT! Is not your relationship with my client-- Boink! Bad baby! Bad baby! Did you never not make looooooo-- Did you... [wheezes]
Mr. Reede!
You had sex with her every time you met, didn't ya?! DIDN'T YOU?! LIAR!
He's badgering the witness!
It's his witness.
You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!
Kenneth [Fletcher gobbles like a turkey while shoving himself against the witness stand]
All right! All right! It's true, okay?! I humped her brains out! There! Now ya happy?!
You scratched my car!
Impound Guy
Where?
Impound Guy
Oh. That was already there.
You... you liar! You know what I'm going to do about this?
Impound Guy
What?
Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up, and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway. So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Impound Guy
You've been here before, haven't ya?
Mr. Allen, you remember Fletcher Reede.
Mr. Allen
Oh, yes! Yes. Nice to see you again, Fletcher. By the way, I'll be observing you in court this afternoon. I've been hearing some good things about you.
Well, Fletcher has just been telling me what how much he thinks of you. [to Fletcher] Well, why don't you tell Mr. Allen? Well, what do you think of him?
[Defeated]
He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard. A belligerent, old fart. A worthless, steaming pile of cow dung. [sighs] Figuratively speaking.
Mr. Allen
[Everyone in the board stares at Mr. Allen; after a moment of silence, Mr. Allen laughs; the rest of the board joins in the laughter]
That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard! You're a real card, Reede! I love a good roast! Do Simmons!
[points at Simmons]
Simmons is old! He should've been outta the game years ago, but he can't stay home, 'cause he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties! She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a ****! [to another member of the board] And you, Tom! You're the biggest brown-nose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!
Mr. Allen
[roars with laughter]
Priceless!
[to another board member]
You have bad breath caused by gingivitis! [to another member] You couldn't get a porn star off! [to yet another] Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway! I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime! [points at five other members of the board one at a time] Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! [at Miranda] SLUT! [Miranda is shocked]
Mr. Allen
I like your style, Reede! [shakes hands with Fletcher] That's just what this stuffy company needs! A little irreverence!
GOOD! I'll see ya later, dickhead!
Mr. Allen
[Everyone else laughs]
Dickhead! Priceless!
Mr. Allen
[Fletcher pulls of a board member's hairpiece and sticks it on the wall, makes a stereotypical American Indian whoop, then walks off as the laughter continues] [takes his seat]
Keep your eye on that boy. "Dickhead"!
[After Fletcher darts out of the meeting room, still laughing, he faints from exhaustion]