Hey, Scott. it down. Okay. I got you this.
[Opens painting kit briefcase]
So, what-what is, uh, what is, what is this?
It's paintbrushes and some paint. Well, I know you're into art, so I thought you could expand your horizons while I'm gone.
You got a gift receipt for this?
Fine... Yeah. Wh- What do you mean? Yeah, I'm...
You gonna be okay without me here?
What, you don't think I can survive here without you?
Okay, just don't be a dick, okay? Like, be nice to Mom, okay? Don't give her a hard time. She deserves a break.
I always give her a- a break. What are you... When's... When am I gonna get my break? Like...
What are you talking about? All anyone ever does is worry about you. I was ignored my entire childhood 'cause of you.
Oh, yeah, I forgot that my childhood was so dandy.
Okay, you don't get to act crazy your whole life just 'cause Dad died, okay? At least you got to know him.
Well, you're lucky you didn't get to know him, okay? 'Cause that's why you're almost normal. If you got to know him, you would've known that he was, like, the **** coolest guy ever, and that would've ruined the rest of your life.
Okay, like, but what are you gonna do? Are you gonna get a job or are you gonna leave the house?
I don't know. I- I'm gonna open that tattoo restaurant.
I am being real. It's a great... It's never been done before. I looked it up. I googled it. It's never been done, not even as a joke.
Because no one wants to go to a restaurant and watch people get tattooed while they eat. It's gross.
It's the best idea ever. Ruby Tattoosdays, where everyone's welcome. Chicken and tattoos.
That's not a business! You know, you got to get your shit together. Time is passing by very quickly.
That's why I smoke weed all the time, okay? It slows it all down.
**** God. See, I'm worried about you.
Well, why now? You never gave a shit. You, like, literally never cared until this second. Like, wh- what, what gives? You never looked out for me once.
You're my older brother. You're supposed to look out for me.
You're- you're just guilty 'cause you're leaving? Now, all of a sudden, you're afraid I'm gonna die? I was gonna die anyway, whether you stay or not.
Are you gonna hurt yourself?
Probably. Yeah, I'm probably gonna hurt myself. I don't know how, but yeah. If anybody could do it, it's me.
This is why I don't talk to you, 'cause the one thing I know is you're not gonna listen to my advice, so...
Yeah, well, why would I? Like, you don't even give a shit. You're- you're leaving. You're not even part of the family.
I'm the only **** normal person in this family. Jesus. You know... Every second I'm away from you, I'm worrying about you. That's what you do to people.
Okay, don't **** ruin college for me, okay? Go!
[Walking out room]
Fine. [Stops and turn] Hey, you should bring that chipper personality to college. Guys will love it. [Walks away]
G Gina
No, I'm not **** letting you take 'em. **** you. Who the **** are you?
Yeah, I- I agree with you completely. Why... 'cause that... It was Ray's idea. I don't think I should be taking them, either. I agree with you.
Oh, the weirdest. Nobody's weirder than me.
G Gina
See, a weirdo wouldn't say that. A weirdo would deny it.
So, do I have to take 'em or...?
G Gina
Yes. God, no. I mean, Ray was supposed to do it. I can't **** do it. Their schools start half an hour apart on the other side of town. So, your mom is banging my ex?
Yeah, I'm not thrilled about it, either.
G Gina
Yeah, well, you shouldn't be. Harold. Kelly. Come here. Come here. There's something, something kind of fun. Come here. Come here.
G Gina
So, this is Harold, and this is Kelly. And, uh, this is...
G Gina
Scott. He's gonna be taking care of you. Okay? It...
Hi, Harold. It's nice to meet you. For the very first time.
G Gina
If he does anything weird, you tell me. Even if he tells you not to tell me, you tell me. I'm pretty sure he's not weird, but I could be wrong. 'Kay? Love you. Okay.
K Kelly
Love you, Mom. Bye. [Scott walks off with Harold and Kelly]
G Gina
Hold both their hands! Thank you. Look both ways!
And just- just stick to your guns. All right? It'll be fine. [Scott walks into the kitchen]
Hey! Come on in. Come have breakfast with us. I made pancakes and I made the sausage that you like. An omelette? Come sit.
These eggs are spectacular with the onions and the peppers. I love it.
S Scott
Did he spend the night?
Yeah he slept here. In this house. I’m an adult, I can do that.
[Scott and Margie both sit. Ray gestures for her to begin her preposition]
I need to talk to you about something. I was thinking that it’s time to think about getting your own apartment.
S Scott
What? Why would you say that?
You are so awesome and I think I’ve been there for you too much. Sometimes in life the thing that’s motivating is when people don’t have that safety net.
S Scott
Right but I need that safety net because I don’t have my shit together. Why are you doing this? Is this because of him?
No it’s just you’re twenty-four years old now.
Phelps had a fistful of gold medals by twenty-four.
S Scott
Why are you talking?
I’m just giving you some perspective. Wayne Gretzky had like 96 goals when he was twenty-four. Roger Staubach graduated West Point, won a Heisman Trophy, fought in the Vietnam War and then joined the Cowboys by the time he was twenty-four.
S Scott
I don’t know who that is. Who gives a ****?
I think that maybe you’re ready and you just don’t even know it.
S Scott
So you’re kicking me out?
No I just want you to get your own apartment by summer.
S Scottt
Right so you’re kicking me out of the house.
It’s nine months from now. You could have a baby in nine months.
S Scott
Are you moving in? Are you trying to push me out? What did I do? I though we were cool.
Let’s all be adults here. Your mother has worked very hard for a very long time and I’m gonna retire in a couple of years so things are gonna change around here but in a good way. We think you can do great things.
S Scott
I know I’m gonna do great things. I don’t need you to tell me that. What’s going on? I don’t like this.
Be that as it may, until you leave, which is gonna be good for you and it’s gonna be motivating, you’re gonna have to pull your weight a little more around here. And one thing we thought would help you contribute and wouldn’t be hard to do is to help Ray bring his kids back and forth to school when he can’t do it because of work.
S Scott
You’re joking, right? You want me to take your kid to school? The kid I tattooed?
I got two kids. The other’s seven.
S Scott
You’re gonna make me babysit your kids? I do drugs!
Looks like you’re walking.
S Scott
I’m not cool with any of this, okay? And where do you expect me to live? And with what money? You know I’m a **** bum, right? This is **** up! Seriously. Especially after last night, all that bonding boy bullshit. You’re full of shit, man. You’re a **** liar. I’m gonna go walk your kids.
I knew I smelled you. The ****, Scott?
Huh? What, are you spying on me now? You Magnum, P.I.?
Telling your mom that I'm homeless? You think it's funny to tell her that I'm a loser?!
What are you talking... No. What?!
What do you mean, what am I talking about?! You've been speak... You talking to my ex-wife?!
Uh, yeah. She's actually a really nice person.
Oh, is she?! Why don't you marry her?!
Why don't you marry her and see what the **** happens?!
Hey, I'm just trying to protect my mom from you, okay?! You're a **** psychopath!
I've been nothing but nice to you! I tried giving you direction. You're too busy smoking your **** weed. And all you've been doing is trying to destroy everything that I have with Margie.
Because you're a **** loser, dude! You're a, you're a degenerate gambler in your-your mid-50s, who bets on the Jets! Uh, who... Have you not learned anything about betting?!
The Jets are gonna come back!
No, they're not! They got three number one **** picks! They're never gonna come back! They're never gonna come back!
I'm trying to give your mother a good life!
I... No, you're not, okay? You're a piece of shit, dude. You're a **** drug addict!
Yeah, you're a piece of shit!
I'm a **** loser?! You're the biggest loser I ever met in my **** life!
Oh, really? You should know.
You surround yourself with them!
Oh, yeah? Why don't you try me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah... This ain't gonna go how you think it's gonna go! So why don't you get the **** out of my... Really?! [Shoves Scott and knocking him to the ground]
**** asshole! [Gets up and lunges at Raymond]
Throw a **** punch at me?!
Huh? You gonna cool off?! Come here, ****! You gonna cool off?! I'll **** cool you off. Yeah, I'll **** cool you off! [Picks up Scott and throws him into the pool]
Hey, you cool off now?! You're in there 'cause of your own actions!
Are you kidding me?! I'm gonna tell my mom you tried to drown me!
In an aboveground pool?! You're, like, **** eight feet tall!
You're lucky my dad isn't here! He would kick your ass!
Oh, yeah? Well, guess what, I knew your dad! Okay?!
Yeah, I crossed paths with him a number of times! And you know what? He was even a bigger asshole than you are! [Scott gets out of pool and lunges at Raymond, throwing a punch with Raymond grabbing Scott around waist, grappling him and maneuvering him to the ground] All right, that's it, that's it! It's over! It's over. Huh?! Huh?! You like that?! You like that?!
Come on, tap out! Tap out!
**** you! No! Get me out! Let me out! No! No! Let me out! Oh, my God! Get me out!
What's the matter with you?!
About him telling you lies about me.
He's an animal. He picked me up and he threw me in the pool. All right? He has to go.
No, I need you to go. Now.
What? Why-why me? He-he's the one who started it.
Yeah, that's right. Get the hell out of here. And get a job and a life while you're at it. Your freeloading days are over.
You put your hands on my son! You're not respecting my family!
Look, okay, just listen. Just calm down.
I don't have to calm down! What are... You're attacking my son! And you're, and you're making up lies! You made... You tricked me into thinking you're a good guy! You're not a good guy!
Margie, Margie, just let me explain this to you. Just let me talk to you, okay?
You are not in control of me!
Okay, okay, listen, all right? Okay, you don't have all the information you need. All right? Scott is acting out 'cause he's afraid to move on with his life. It's no different than when the Boston Red Sox finally won a World Series, okay?
They had, they had to get to a point where-where they believed, okay?
All I did was just ask him a question, and he flipped out. So I put him in the water, which is soft. I diffused the situation. It was what-what m-my training's all about. I-I wa... I was totally diffusing the situation.
Do you ever shut up?! Do you ever just shut the **** up?! You just talk and you talK and you talk and you don't know what you're saying. It makes no sense. It's like you picked up all these little pieces of information from all over. They don't make any sense. They're fragments. No sense. Nonsense.
I've had it up to here. I'm done. Both of you, get your shit out of here! [She turns and walks away]
Well... Well, where do we go now?!
What are you asking me for?! You created this whole mess, you **** schmuck.
Hey. Uh... I was thinking of finally seeing that Game of Thrones. Should I binge it?
Oh, it's a, it's a pretty violent show. You sure you could watch that?
I work in an emergency room.
Right, yeah. So, you could probably handle a good pillage.
Yeah. Okay, well, maybe I'll start watching it.
Um, well, I actually just kind of finished it, so I-I don't... It's really fresh in my mind, so I-I would probably...
I can watch some of them. Uh, I don't think I can watch all of them again, but...
I'll see you later, then.
You going to college, too, someday?
T Todd
I'd like to, yeah. I'd go study law.
Oh, yeah? That's awesome, man. That sounds really cool. Do you have any weed?
T Todd
Definitely. I'll go grab it.
Cool. Thanks, Todd. [Todd walks off] **** home run, Todd.
...
J Joy
It makes me sad to think of my little sister sitting in that sad little house, waiting for her son to be perfect.
J Joy
Then you're wasting all of this. All of it's getting wasted. You're a mess.
J Joy
Mom would be so disappoin... Mom would be disappointed in you.
You're the one who's always wasted.
J Joy
You're wasting. It's like leaving food on the table. [Chuckles derisively] Come on. Let me take you out.
It's so hard to meet people. I'm totally open.
J Joy
No, it's... I mean, God... You're not open at all.
It's really hard to meet people.
J Joy
You're a liar. You're not open. "Hard to meet people"?
I'm in the E.R. All I see is, like...
J Joy
You meet... You meet a hundred people a night. People who were shot...
Yeah, they're shot. They're- they're, uh, they're criminals.
J Joy
Stop limiting yourself.
J Joy
Stop limiting yourself.
J Joy
Yeah. They're not all criminals. You meet people at work. That's what it's...
Some of them are victims.
SG Security guard
Hey, hey, wait. Hey, hey, guys. Look, look. You can't be here, man. Y-You got to go.
SG Security guard
It's private property, that's why.
It's an abandoned orphanage. Why can't we be here?
Who gives a shit, man? What are you doing here? You **** protecting the ghosts of dead orphans?
SG Security guard
Look, fat Kanye, shut your damn mouth. I'll be back in five minutes [Oscar raises middle finger] for you assholes. If you're still here, I'm calling the cops, period. [Walks away]
You better get the cops, man, 'cause you're a fake cop. You need the real ones. Mother****ers.
I feel bad. We- we were a little too mean.
Yeah, he's a really good guy.
See that guy is what is wrong with Staten Island. We don’t get any of the cool people from any of the other boroughs. No one comes here. We’re stuck with the pricks who live here.
You’re talking about us, right in front of us.
Kind of. I mean no one comes here! There’s no flow of people. That guy’s like two hundred. We’ve known him since we were six.
T Tara
Why can’t this be like Brooklyn?
There’s no reason we shouldn’t be cool like Brooklyn. We’ve got amazing views. It’s close to the city. It’s cheap. Nice people. It makes no sense.
We’re like the only place New Jersey looks down on. You could see the garbage dump from space. This place is never gonna change.
No. It happened to the Meatpacking District, the Village. Brooklyn used to be a shithole. We’re next. I’m gonna take my civil service test. I’m gonna work for the city in city planning. You watch, this place is going to be **** Williamsburg in ten years.
Why do you wanna work in the city and do city planning? That sounds so boring.
T Tara
I feel like Brooklyn is better. I dated a guy that lived in Brooklyn. He was a mixologist. He made ice cubes out of milk. He was so classy.
I love Staten Island. It’s amazing. And people are gonna see it soon. Trust me.
If you love it so much, why don’t you let me tattoo it on you?
No, I’m not letting you tattoo me again.
Well I need somebody to tattoo. Come on Rich, what about you man?
Don’t even look at me, dude.
[Points to tattoo of Obama tattoo on his arm]
Your work is mad inconsistent. Obama ain’t right.
I got the eyes wrong, okay?
He’s not right! This has hurt me. I don’t have any black friends anymore. I can’t go to a barber shop no more. You got Obama wrong. Ain’t nothing worse than that.
What about you, Igor? You want a dragon or something?
I love your tattoos. My brother? It’s the spitting image. It’s my favorite. No this is my favorite. [Lifts his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a cat with his navel implied to be the anus]
I really worked hard on the eyes.
He’s so cute. I love his butthole. It reminds me that I have a belly button. So I’m good.
I gotta go. Watching you beg to give tattoos is too sad. And that’s freaking me out.
Scott's cousin: You know, we could put you on two shifts a week, just-just, just to try it.
I don't need a job. I, uh, I got a contact at a tattoo shop. I'm- I'm hoping for an apprenticeship, so...
J Joy
Then you're gonna need some money.
Scott's cousin: Yeah, some of these guys walk away with 80 bucks in tips.
Scott, your cousin's offering you a job. Consider it, okay?
Scott's cousin: If you're good at it, you can become a waiter.
Why are you offering me a job anyway?
Scott's cousin: Because I told your father I'd always look out for you.
How? He died suddenly in a fire. Uh, did you ask his ghost?
J Joy
That's not witty, Scott.
Scott's cousin: Your dark sense of humor doesn't work for me.
Scott's uncle: I find it funny.
J Joy
It's your sister's big day. Be a gentleman.
Scott's cousin: Okay, we lost a few guys in an ICE raid.
J Joy
Maybe you should work and go to college.
Scott's uncle: College is bullshit!
J Joy
Oh.
Scott's uncle: You know who went to Harvard? The Unabomber. You know who went to Temple? Bill Cosby. You know who else who went to Temple? Ted Bundy. You know who went to Hofstra? Bernie Madoff. You know who went to Wharton? Donald Trump. It's all a scam.
Okay, well, maybe I shouldn't go, then.
Scott's uncle: Oh, no, you'll have the time of your life.
[At the beach with Oscar and Richie drinking and Scott finishes up tattooing Igor]
That looks really good.
I wish you’d let me do something cooler but yeah. We see the tattoo, a smiley face captioned “Unfollow Me.”
**** no. That hurt so bad.
I like the pain. The pain’s the whole point of getting tattoos. Don’t you just love when you get a tattoo and it hits the bone and pinches a nerve and you’re like “Ah!”
I’m not a fan of the pain.
You shouldn’t let him do it to you. He’s inconsistent.
Y’all should’ve told me when you saw the design.
It says “Unfollow Me.” You don’t even have that many followers.
Bro, she’s imaginary!
Scott: Carla not real, dude.
How many times do we have to say this? Oscar punches a bug.
I hate bugs, dog. I’m a gangster!
[Oscar spots Raymond's son; Harold, a nine-year-old boy nearby]
There’s a kid down there. Yo, kid!
What’re you doing? You hanging out on the beach? Come here. Don’t be shy. No stranger danger here. I’m not gonna touch you.
[Harold walks over]
What’s up, pal?
[Mocks]
"Looking for my friend."
You wanna be friends with us? We’re the good guys.
You can hang out with us.
[Extends fist]
Lemme get some of that. Put it here. You gang. Part of the gang. [Oscar and Harold bump fists and Harold spots Scott’s tattoo gun]
It’s a tattoo gun. I was giving the homies tattoos.
Sure young guy. You want a tattoo?
Kid wants a tattoo. That’s my guy right there.
You can’t give him a tattoo. He’s a little kid.
I gotta practice on something. He seems old enough.
You’re a badass. [Flexing arms] Come on, show those muscles kid. Come on, both arms. Put ‘em up. [Harold flexes arms]
There we go. What’s your name?
I’m gonna call you Harry.
I like this kid. I need him in my life. He has structure.
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
We don’t listen to anything you say.
Why do you even try to give us advice?
What do you want a tattoo of?
That’s tough, man. He could’ve said anything. He said The Punisher. [Scott shows his phone to Harold]
I can do that. Is that it?
Do I have your legal permission to do this?
That’s good enough for me. How about you guys?
He can’t give consent! He’s ten.
Now hold still, okay? Because it is permanent.
Don’t worry, dude. This’ll just be on you for the rest of your life.
[Scott leans in and inks a brief line and Harold screams]
I DON’T WANNA DO IT! I DON’T WANNA!
I gotta finish it. Now there’s just a line. You’re gonna look stupid. [Harold runs away]
Goddamn it. I **** believed in that kid.
He seemed so tough at first but then immediately wasn’t.
That’s why I don’t **** with millennials.
Again, we are the millennials.
You keep saying that but I don’t know what that means.
I regret my friendship with you guys.
J Jake
[Kelsey is at a restaurant with her date Jake]
I gotta be honest Kelsey, you look exactly like your picture. Or you’re thicker, more robust.
Thank you. It’s a compliment. You look a little bit like Antonio Banderas if I squint really hard.
J Jake
Please squint all night long! That's great, you look, Chelsea, I mean- Kelsey. I'm sorry.
That's alright. What's your name again?
J Jake
Um, it's Jake, [Scott appears clearing tables] sorry about that. So, uh, what do you do?
I’m studying to work in the city. I want to make Staten Island a great place again.
J Jake
Staten Island’s already cool, what’re you talking about?
Yeah it is. You’re the first person here to say that.
J Jake
It’s the best place on Earth. At least on the East Coast.
[To Scott]
Excuse me. Oh. Hey.
Would you guys want still or sparkling water?
J Jake
I’m more of a sparkling guy.
J Jake
I do like tequila if I could get a Patrón with a rock?
J Jake
Tequila on rock. You guys want warm bread? Or olive oil.
D Deena
[Kelsey gets offended, then gets up and walks off]
Oh bro, did you scare off another customer? What's wrong with you?! [Scott takes off after Kelsey and Deena turns to Kelsey's date] I’m so sorry about that. He has like, nepotism, you know?
Kelsey's date: Is that a disease?
D Deena
Yeah. It’s a bad one.
...
I brought that guy here to make you jealous so that you could give a ****!
You don’t seem jealous or upset at all!
I do care. Of course I care.
I chose the hottest guy on Tinder. Look at me! Look at my tits. It’s literally the Eiffel Tower holding them up in there.
Please don’t cry here. Please.
Your skin looks see-through and the circles around your eyes are so dark you look like an anorexic panda.
You always look sick and pale like you have a disease but you don’t know it yet. You literally look like if I touched you, you’d just turn to dust.
I’m sorry. I’m not doing very well.
[Kelsey starts leaving]
What do I tell your date?
Tell him to **** off. I met him ten minutes ago. He’s a DJ.
