Scott Carlin quotes from The King of Staten Island (2020)

Scott Carlin

Oh I trained her in the car. She's not going to break.

Scott Carlin

You're going to make me babysit your kids?! I'm on drugs.

Scott Carlin

If you have money, why would you ever live in Staten Island?

Scott Carlin

I just thought she looked really good in those pants. Thought that was a nice thing to say, I didn't know I'd get MeToo'd for it.

Scott Carlin

When we go out in public, people look at me like I'm kidnapped.

Scott

What's up, Todd?

What's up, Scott?

Scott

You going to college, too, someday?

I'd like to, yeah. I'd go study law.

Scott

Oh, yeah? That's awesome, man. That sounds really cool. Do you have any weed?

I do.

Scott

Could I have some?

Definitely. I'll go grab it.

Scott

Cool. Thanks, Todd. [Todd walks off] **** home run, Todd.
...

It makes me sad to think of my little sister sitting in that sad little house, waiting for her son to be perfect.

I'm not.

Then you're wasting all of this. All of it's getting wasted. You're a mess.

You're wasted.

Mom would be so disappoin... Mom would be disappointed in you.

You're the one who's always wasted.

You're wasting. It's like leaving food on the table. [Chuckles derisively] Come on. Let me take you out.

It's so hard to meet people. I'm totally open.

No, it's... I mean, God... You're not open at all.

It's really hard to meet people.

You're a liar. You're not open. "Hard to meet people"?

I'm in the E.R. All I see is, like...

You meet... You meet a hundred people a night. People who were shot...

Yeah, they're shot. They're- they're, uh, they're criminals.

Stop limiting yourself.

Who am I gonna meet?

Stop limiting yourself.

But I'm at the hospital.

Yeah. They're not all criminals. You meet people at work. That's what it's...

Some of them are victims.

Doll...

Scott's cousin: You know, we could put you on two shifts a week, just-just, just to try it.

Scott

I don't need a job. I, uh, I got a contact at a tattoo shop. I'm- I'm hoping for an apprenticeship, so...

Then you're gonna need some money.
Scott's cousin: Yeah, some of these guys walk away with 80 bucks in tips.

Scott, your cousin's offering you a job. Consider it, okay?
Scott's cousin: If you're good at it, you can become a waiter.

Scott

Why are you offering me a job anyway?
Scott's cousin: Because I told your father I'd always look out for you.

Scott

How? He died suddenly in a fire. Uh, did you ask his ghost?

That's not witty, Scott.
Scott's cousin: Your dark sense of humor doesn't work for me.
Scott's uncle: I find it funny.

It's your sister's big day. Be a gentleman.
Scott's cousin: Okay, we lost a few guys in an ICE raid.

Scott

Ah, shit. Sorry.

Maybe you should work and go to college.
Scott's uncle: College is bullshit!

Oh.
Scott's uncle: You know who went to Harvard? The Unabomber. You know who went to Temple? Bill Cosby. You know who else who went to Temple? Ted Bundy. You know who went to Hofstra? Bernie Madoff. You know who went to Wharton? Donald Trump. It's all a scam.

Scott

Okay, well, maybe I shouldn't go, then.
Scott's uncle: Oh, no, you'll have the time of your life.

Claire

Hey, Scott. it down. Okay. I got you this.

Scott

So, what-what is, uh, what is, what is this?

Claire

It's paintbrushes and some paint. Well, I know you're into art, so I thought you could expand your horizons while I'm gone.

Scott

You got a gift receipt for this?

Claire

You okay?

Scott

Fine... Yeah. Wh- What do you mean? Yeah, I'm...

Claire

You gonna be okay without me here?

Scott

What, you don't think I can survive here without you?

Claire

Okay, just don't be a dick, okay? Like, be nice to Mom, okay? Don't give her a hard time. She deserves a break.

Scott

I always give her a- a break. What are you... When's... When am I gonna get my break? Like...

Claire

What are you talking about? All anyone ever does is worry about you. I was ignored my entire childhood 'cause of you.

Scott

Oh, yeah, I forgot that my childhood was so dandy.

Claire

Okay, you don't get to act crazy your whole life just 'cause Dad died, okay? At least you got to know him.

Scott

Well, you're lucky you didn't get to know him, okay? 'Cause that's why you're almost normal. If you got to know him, you would've known that he was, like, the **** coolest guy ever, and that would've ruined the rest of your life.

Claire

Okay, like, but what are you gonna do? Are you gonna get a job or are you gonna leave the house?

Scott

I don't know. I- I'm gonna open that tattoo restaurant.

Claire

No, like, for real.

Scott

I am being real. It's a great... It's never been done before. I looked it up. I googled it. It's never been done, not even as a joke.

Claire

Because no one wants to go to a restaurant and watch people get tattooed while they eat. It's gross.

Scott

It's the best idea ever. Ruby Tattoosdays, where everyone's welcome. Chicken and tattoos.

Claire

That's not a business! You know, you got to get your shit together. Time is passing by very quickly.

Scott

That's why I smoke weed all the time, okay? It slows it all down.

Claire

**** God. See, I'm worried about you.

Scott

Well, why now? You never gave a shit. You, like, literally never cared until this second. Like, wh- what, what gives? You never looked out for me once.

Claire

You're my older brother. You're supposed to look out for me.

Scott

You're- you're just guilty 'cause you're leaving? Now, all of a sudden, you're afraid I'm gonna die? I was gonna die anyway, whether you stay or not.

Claire

Are you gonna hurt yourself?

Scott

Probably. Yeah, I'm probably gonna hurt myself. I don't know how, but yeah. If anybody could do it, it's me.

Claire

This is why I don't talk to you, 'cause the one thing I know is you're not gonna listen to my advice, so...

Scott

Yeah, well, why would I? Like, you don't even give a shit. You're- you're leaving. You're not even part of the family.

Claire

I'm the only **** normal person in this family. Jesus. You know... Every second I'm away from you, I'm worrying about you. That's what you do to people.

Scott

You should be worried.

Claire

Okay, don't **** ruin college for me, okay? Go!

Scott

Fine. [Stops and turn] Hey, you should bring that chipper personality to college. Guys will love it. [Walks away]

Hello. Okay, let's see my to-do list.
Claire's friend: Yo, we're finished packing the car. You want to come out and say goodbye or...?

Scott

Oh, well, yeah, this is almost over.
Claire's friend: No, like, we're leaving.

Scott

Oh. She's leaving? [Gets up]
Claire's friend: Like, to go to college, you know?

Scott

Oh, oh, my bad.
Claire's friend: Yeah, four years, so...

Scott

Oh, all right.
Claire's friend: Let's go. [Scott turns head to glance at TV] Nope, like... [Scott gets pulled out door by wrist] Go. Come on.
...

Uh, don't worry about me, okay? This is really hard right now. [Hugs Claire]

Claire

You don't seem fine.

I'm so proud of you. I love you. Uh, okay. You're the light of my life.

Claire

Oh. Okay. [To Scott] Thanks for helping us pack the car.

Scott

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you guys were done already.

Claire

Be nice to Mom. And please respond to my texts.

Scott

I will. Don't worry about it. And, um... I-I'll come visit you at some point.

Claire

Okay. All right. [Hugs Scott] Yeah. [Walks to vehicle] I love you.

Scott

I love you, too.

Fly.

Scott

Hey.

Hey. Uh... I was thinking of finally seeing that Game of Thrones. Should I binge it?

Scott

Oh, it's a, it's a pretty violent show. You sure you could watch that?

I work in an emergency room.

Scott

Right, yeah. So, you could probably handle a good pillage.

Yeah. Okay, well, maybe I'll start watching it.

Scott

Yeah.

You watch it with me?

Scott

Um, well, I actually just kind of finished it, so I-I don't... It's really fresh in my mind, so I-I would probably...

Okay.

Scott

I can watch some of them. Uh, I don't think I can watch all of them again, but...

Well...

Scott

I'll see you later, then.

All right.

Hey, hey, wait. Hey, hey, guys. Look, look. You can't be here, man. Y-You got to go.

Why?

It's private property, that's why.

Scott

It's an abandoned orphanage. Why can't we be here?

Richie

Who gives a shit, man? What are you doing here? You **** protecting the ghosts of dead orphans?

Look, fat Kanye, shut your damn mouth. I'll be back in five minutes [Oscar raises middle finger] for you assholes. If you're still here, I'm calling the cops, period. [Walks away]

Oscar

You better get the cops, man, 'cause you're a fake cop. You need the real ones. Mother****ers.

Scott

**** all of y'all.

Igor

I feel bad. We- we were a little too mean.

Scott

Yeah. He's nice.

Igor

Yeah, he's a really good guy.

Kelsey

See that guy is what is wrong with Staten Island. We don’t get any of the cool people from any of the other boroughs. No one comes here. We’re stuck with the pricks who live here.

Oscar

You’re talking about us, right in front of us.

Kelsey

Kind of. I mean no one comes here! There’s no flow of people. That guy’s like two hundred. We’ve known him since we were six.

Why can’t this be like Brooklyn?

Kelsey

There’s no reason we shouldn’t be cool like Brooklyn. We’ve got amazing views. It’s close to the city. It’s cheap. Nice people. It makes no sense.

Scott

We’re like the only place New Jersey looks down on. You could see the garbage dump from space. This place is never gonna change.

Kelsey

No. It happened to the Meatpacking District, the Village. Brooklyn used to be a shithole. We’re next. I’m gonna take my civil service test. I’m gonna work for the city in city planning. You watch, this place is going to be **** Williamsburg in ten years.

Richie

Nobody wants that.

Scott

Why do you wanna work in the city and do city planning? That sounds so boring.

I feel like Brooklyn is better. I dated a guy that lived in Brooklyn. He was a mixologist. He made ice cubes out of milk. He was so classy.

Oscar

Shut up.

Kelsey

I love Staten Island. It’s amazing. And people are gonna see it soon. Trust me.

Scott

If you love it so much, why don’t you let me tattoo it on you?

Kelsey

No, I’m not letting you tattoo me again.

Scott

Well I need somebody to tattoo. Come on Rich, what about you man?

Richie

Don’t even look at me, dude.

Scott

Why?

Richie

Your work is mad inconsistent. Obama ain’t right.

Scott

I got the eyes wrong, okay?

Richie

He’s not right! This has hurt me. I don’t have any black friends anymore. I can’t go to a barber shop no more. You got Obama wrong. Ain’t nothing worse than that.

Scott

What about you, Igor? You want a dragon or something?

Igor

I love your tattoos. My brother? It’s the spitting image. It’s my favorite. No this is my favorite. [Lifts his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a cat with his navel implied to be the anus]

Igor

You killed that.

Scott

I really worked hard on the eyes.

Igor

He’s so cute. I love his butthole. It reminds me that I have a belly button. So I’m good.

Kelsey

I gotta go. Watching you beg to give tattoos is too sad. And that’s freaking me out.

Igor

That looks really good.

Scott

I wish you’d let me do something cooler but yeah. We see the tattoo, a smiley face captioned “Unfollow Me.”

Igor

**** no. That hurt so bad.

Oscar

Another dumb tattoo.

Scott

I like the pain. The pain’s the whole point of getting tattoos. Don’t you just love when you get a tattoo and it hits the bone and pinches a nerve and you’re like “Ah!”

Igor

I’m not a fan of the pain.

Richie

You shouldn’t let him do it to you. He’s inconsistent.

Oscar

That tattoo’s dumb.

Igor

Y’all should’ve told me when you saw the design.

Oscar

It says “Unfollow Me.” You don’t even have that many followers.

Igor

Carla follows me.

Richie

Bro, she’s imaginary!
Scott: Carla not real, dude.

Richie

How many times do we have to say this? Oscar punches a bug.

Oscar

I hate bugs, dog. I’m a gangster!

Scott

That’s a bee, bro!

Oscar

There’s a kid down there. Yo, kid!

Scott

Oh shit, there is a kid.

Oscar

What’re you doing? You hanging out on the beach? Come here. Don’t be shy. No stranger danger here. I’m not gonna touch you.

Scott

What’s up, pal?

Oscar

What’re you doing?

Harold

Looking for my friend.

Scott

"Looking for my friend."

Oscar

You wanna be friends with us? We’re the good guys.

Scott

You can hang out with us.

Oscar

Lemme get some of that. Put it here. You gang. Part of the gang. [Oscar and Harold bump fists and Harold spots Scott’s tattoo gun]

Harold

What’s that?

Scott

It’s a tattoo gun. I was giving the homies tattoos.

Harold

I want a tattoo.

Scott

Sure young guy. You want a tattoo?

Harold

Yeah.

Oscar

Kid wants a tattoo. That’s my guy right there.

Igor

You can’t give him a tattoo. He’s a little kid.

Scott

I gotta practice on something. He seems old enough.

Oscar

You a tough guy?

Harold

Yeah.

Oscar

You’re a badass. [Flexing arms] Come on, show those muscles kid. Come on, both arms. Put ‘em up. [Harold flexes arms]

Oscar

There we go. What’s your name?

Harold

Harold.

Oscar

I’m gonna call you Harry.

Harold

Don’t. It’s Harold.

Richie

Hell yeah.

Oscar

I like this kid. I need him in my life. He has structure.

Igor

I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Scott

We don’t listen to anything you say.

Oscar

Why do you even try to give us advice?

Scott

What do you want a tattoo of?

Harold

The Punisher.

Scott

The Punisher?

Oscar

That’s tough, man. He could’ve said anything. He said The Punisher. [Scott shows his phone to Harold]

Scott

I can do that. Is that it?

Harold

Yeah that’s him.

Scott

Are you sure?

Harold

Yes.

Scott

Do I have your legal permission to do this?

Harold

Yes.

Scott

That’s good enough for me. How about you guys?

Oscar

Holds up in court.

Scott

You guys heard it.

Igor

He can’t give consent! He’s ten.

Scott

Now hold still, okay? Because it is permanent.

Igor

Guys, stop.

Oscar

Put your game face on.

Scott

Don’t worry, dude. This’ll just be on you for the rest of your life.

Harold

I DON’T WANNA DO IT! I DON’T WANNA!

Scott

I gotta finish it. Now there’s just a line. You’re gonna look stupid. [Harold runs away]

Richie

Run little man, run!

Oscar

Goddamn it. I **** believed in that kid.

Scott

He seemed so tough at first but then immediately wasn’t.

Oscar

That’s why I don’t **** with millennials.

Scott

Again, we are the millennials.

Oscar

You keep saying that but I don’t know what that means.

Igor

I regret my friendship with you guys.

Hello, my name is Raymond Bishop. This is my son, Harold. Say hello, Harold.

Harold

I’m sorry.

Margie

What’s going on?!

It seems your son was down in the woods giving out free tattoos and my son was one of his victims!

Margie

I don’t understand! How do you know it was my son?! How did you get this address?!

I have my ways. Believe me, I have my ways.

Margie

You a cop?!

No I’m a fireman. I work for a living. [Grabs Harold's right arm and holds it up] Look at this! You believe this?! See that there?! See that line?! I don’t know if you burn these off or what but we’re taking care of this and you’re paying for it, you understand me?!

Margie

Scott! [To Raymond] I’m so sorry. There’s an aesthetic laser at the hospital where I work and it can completely remove it! I get a discount! I’m gonna pay for the whole thing! I don’t know what I’m saying! I feel terrible!

You should feel terrible! Look at that!

Scott

What’s up? Oh ****!

There he is! Get your ass over here!

Scott

Hey, he said he was eighteen!

He looks like he’s four you **** moron!

Scott

He consented!

Harold

He’s lying!

Scott

Harold, come on!

Of course he’s lying! You can’t have consent! He’s nine years old!

Harold

Dad, let’s go! You’re embarrassing me!

We’re not going anywhere! He’s just a little kid! What the **** is wrong with you?!

Scott

He was roaming around in the woods, he wanted a tattoo! Where were you?!

I was at **** work!

Scott

**** you!

If I was you I would shut your **** mouth because I can call the cops right now and have your ass thrown in jail!

Scott

For what?!

For sticking needles in a kid’s arm, you **** dope! Did you even raise him? Did you even raise him?!

Margie

There’s no reason to call the cops! I can handle this and I can also handle disciplining him!

Well clearly you can’t or you wouldn’t have a middle-aged son still living at home, tattooing minors against their will.

Harold

I asked him to do it.

Scott

That’s right. That’s my man.

Go wait in the car, Harold. And don’t raise your voice at me either.

Scott

Later Harold.

Don’t say goodbye to my kid.

Look both ways! Look both ways!

Harold

I am!

Watch your mouth!

Margie

Go to your room!

Scott

For your information I am not middle-aged. I am a twenty-four year old man and I am going to my room because I **** want to! [Scott leaves]

What kind of animal are you raising in this house? I’m bringing you the bill, I don’t care what it costs. I mean what the **** is going on around here?

Margie

Just give me a day to arrange the laser!

You know something?! Is his father home?! Where’s his dad?! I don’t want to **** yell at you!

Margie

He’s deceased.

Well I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sure if he was still around he would agree with the fact that you should still pay for it.

Scott

Did- did you happen to get a chance to take a look at the, uh...
Tattoo parlor owner Yeah, I looked at your book. I mean, I drew like that, too, when I was 14. From what I saw, you don't really have the basics, so you got to figure that out.

Scott

Well, yeah, that's why I'm here. I mean, I was hoping I can learn from you.

Right, well, um, you'd be my apprentice. Uh, you'll be a slave to the shop.

Scott

Hey, man. As long as I get to tattoo people, right?

No. Never. Until I say. Uh, you'll be sterilizing needles, washing my car, taking the trash out. I mean, you're basically our bitch.

Scott

So, how much will I be, like, making here?

Dick.

Scott

Dick.

Okay, well... It's a long line of people who want this job, man.

Scott

How do I, like, pay my rent?

That one right there is not my problem. It's your first day, you're already complaining.

Scott

It's kind of weird, huh?

Yeah, let's not do this. You should take a walk. Pussy.

Scott

All right.

Well, could I ask you a question? If I did work here?

Why is he still here?

Scott

Let's say some idiot walks in, right? And he wants to get a tattoo of a Confederate flag wrapped around the Grim Reaper. You could tell that guy to go **** himself, right? 'Cause that's a ridiculous tattoo to ask for.

It's not my place to judge people, man. I don't do that.

Scott

Well, what if another guy walked in and he wanted to get a tattoo of his dead friend James on his chest, right? But you know James, and you don't want to give him the tattoo, 'cause you know James and he's an asshole and that the world's better off without him. What do you do then?

You have a death wish?

Scott

No, I don't have a death wish. But that lady on the motorcycle does. She's not even wearing any underwear. She's gonna burn her pussy.

Do you want to do this?! You really want to **** do this?!

Scott

I don't want to do anything with you. I just want to know who killed James. Was it the Confederate flag man? Was it the motorcycle lady? [Client lunges at Scott who runs away]

And just- just stick to your guns. All right? It'll be fine. [Scott walks into the kitchen]

Margie

Hey! Come on in. Come have breakfast with us. I made pancakes and I made the sausage that you like. An omelette? Come sit.

These eggs are spectacular with the onions and the peppers. I love it.

Scott

Did he spend the night?

Margie

Yeah he slept here. In this house. I’m an adult, I can do that.

Margie

I need to talk to you about something. I was thinking that it’s time to think about getting your own apartment.

Scott

What? Why would you say that?

Margie

You are so awesome and I think I’ve been there for you too much. Sometimes in life the thing that’s motivating is when people don’t have that safety net.

Scott

Right but I need that safety net because I don’t have my shit together. Why are you doing this? Is this because of him?

Margie

No it’s just you’re twenty-four years old now.

Phelps had a fistful of gold medals by twenty-four.

Scott

Why are you talking?

I’m just giving you some perspective. Wayne Gretzky had like 96 goals when he was twenty-four. Roger Staubach graduated West Point, won a Heisman Trophy, fought in the Vietnam War and then joined the Cowboys by the time he was twenty-four.

Scott

I don’t know who that is. Who gives a ****?

Margie

I think that maybe you’re ready and you just don’t even know it.

Scott

So you’re kicking me out?

Margie

No I just want you to get your own apartment by summer.

Right so you’re kicking me out of the house.

It’s nine months from now. You could have a baby in nine months.

Scott

Are you moving in? Are you trying to push me out? What did I do? I though we were cool.

Let’s all be adults here. Your mother has worked very hard for a very long time and I’m gonna retire in a couple of years so things are gonna change around here but in a good way. We think you can do great things.

Scott

I know I’m gonna do great things. I don’t need you to tell me that. What’s going on? I don’t like this.

Margie

Be that as it may, until you leave, which is gonna be good for you and it’s gonna be motivating, you’re gonna have to pull your weight a little more around here. And one thing we thought would help you contribute and wouldn’t be hard to do is to help Ray bring his kids back and forth to school when he can’t do it because of work.

Like now. Like today.

Scott

You’re joking, right? You want me to take your kid to school? The kid I tattooed?

I got two kids. The other’s seven.

Scott

You’re gonna make me babysit your kids? I do drugs!

Looks like you’re walking.

Margie

And thank you.

Scott

I’m not cool with any of this, okay? And where do you expect me to live? And with what money? You know I’m a **** bum, right? This is **** up! Seriously. Especially after last night, all that bonding boy bullshit. You’re full of shit, man. You’re a **** liar. I’m gonna go walk your kids.

No, I'm not **** letting you take 'em. **** you. Who the **** are you?

Scott

Yeah, I- I agree with you completely. Why... 'cause that... It was Ray's idea. I don't think I should be taking them, either. I agree with you.

Are you a weirdo?

Scott

Oh, the weirdest. Nobody's weirder than me.

See, a weirdo wouldn't say that. A weirdo would deny it.

Scott

So, do I have to take 'em or...?

Yes. God, no. I mean, Ray was supposed to do it. I can't **** do it. Their schools start half an hour apart on the other side of town. So, your mom is banging my ex?

Scott

Yeah, I'm not thrilled about it, either.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't be. Harold. Kelly. Come here. Come here. There's something, something kind of fun. Come here. Come here.

Scott

Oh, hey, man.

So, this is Harold, and this is Kelly. And, uh, this is...

Scott

Scott.

Scott. He's gonna be taking care of you. Okay? It...

Harold

Nice to meet you, Scott.

Scott

Hi, Harold. It's nice to meet you. For the very first time.

If he does anything weird, you tell me. Even if he tells you not to tell me, you tell me. I'm pretty sure he's not weird, but I could be wrong. 'Kay? Love you. Okay.

Harold

Love you, Mom.

Seriously.

Love you, Mom. Bye. [Scott walks off with Harold and Kelly]

Pay attention.

Scott

Got it.

Hold both their hands! Thank you. Look both ways!

I gotta be honest Kelsey, you look exactly like your picture. Or you’re thicker, more robust.

Kelsey

Thank you. It’s a compliment. You look a little bit like Antonio Banderas if I squint really hard.

Please squint all night long! That's great, you look, Chelsea, I mean- Kelsey. I'm sorry.

Kelsey

That's alright. What's your name again?

Um, it's Jake, [Scott appears clearing tables] sorry about that. So, uh, what do you do?

Kelsey

I’m studying to work in the city. I want to make Staten Island a great place again.

Staten Island’s already cool, what’re you talking about?

Kelsey

Yeah it is. You’re the first person here to say that.

It’s the best place on Earth. At least on the East Coast.

Kelsey

Excuse me. Oh. Hey.

Scott

Oh, hey. Hey.

Kelsey

Hello. Hey.

Scott

Would you guys want still or sparkling water?

Kelsey

Um, you pick.

I’m more of a sparkling guy.

Kelsey

Sparkling it is.

I do like tequila if I could get a Patrón with a rock?

Kelsey

That’s fine.

Tequila on rock. You guys want warm bread? Or olive oil.

Oh bro, did you scare off another customer? What's wrong with you?! [Scott takes off after Kelsey and Deena turns to Kelsey's date] I’m so sorry about that. He has like, nepotism, you know?
Kelsey's date: Is that a disease?

Yeah. It’s a bad one.
...

Kelsey

I brought that guy here to make you jealous so that you could give a ****!

Scott

To make me jealous?!

Kelsey

You don’t seem jealous or upset at all!

Scott

I do care. Of course I care.

Kelsey

I chose the hottest guy on Tinder. Look at me! Look at my tits. It’s literally the Eiffel Tower holding them up in there.

Scott

You look great.

Kelsey

Thank you.

Scott

Please don’t cry here. Please.

Kelsey

You look awful.

Scott

What do you mean?

Kelsey

Your skin looks see-through and the circles around your eyes are so dark you look like an anorexic panda.

Scott

I know I do.

Kelsey

You always look sick and pale like you have a disease but you don’t know it yet. You literally look like if I touched you, you’d just turn to dust.

Scott

I’m sorry. I’m not doing very well.

Scott

What do I tell your date?

Kelsey

Tell him to **** off. I met him ten minutes ago. He’s a DJ.

I knew I smelled you. The ****, Scott?

Scott

What?

Huh? What, are you spying on me now? You Magnum, P.I.?

Scott

What?!

Telling your mom that I'm homeless? You think it's funny to tell her that I'm a loser?!

Scott

What are you talking... No. What?!

What do you mean, what am I talking about?! You've been speak... You talking to my ex-wife?!

Scott

Uh, yeah. She's actually a really nice person.

Oh, is she?! Why don't you marry her?!

Scott

Yeah.

Why don't you marry her and see what the **** happens?!

Scott

Hey, I'm just trying to protect my mom from you, okay?! You're a **** psychopath!

Oh, I'm a psychopath?!

Scott

Yeah.

I've been nothing but nice to you! I tried giving you direction. You're too busy smoking your **** weed. And all you've been doing is trying to destroy everything that I have with Margie.

Scott

Because you're a **** loser, dude! You're a, you're a degenerate gambler in your-your mid-50s, who bets on the Jets! Uh, who... Have you not learned anything about betting?!

The Jets are gonna come back!

Scott

No, they're not! They got three number one **** picks! They're never gonna come back! They're never gonna come back!

I'm trying to give your mother a good life!

Scott

I... No, you're not, okay? You're a piece of shit, dude. You're a **** drug addict!

I'm a piece of shit?!

Scott

Yeah, you're a piece of shit!

I'm a **** loser?! You're the biggest loser I ever met in my **** life!

Scott

Oh, really? You should know.

Yeah?!

Scott

Yeah!

You surround yourself with them!

Scott

Oh, yeah? Why don't you try me?

Oh, really?

Scott

Why don't you try me?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah... This ain't gonna go how you think it's gonna go! So why don't you get the **** out of my... Really?! [Shoves Scott and knocking him to the ground]

Scott

**** asshole! [Gets up and lunges at Raymond]

Throw a **** punch at me?!

Scott

Oh, yeah.

Huh? You gonna cool off?! Come here, ****! You gonna cool off?! I'll **** cool you off. Yeah, I'll **** cool you off! [Picks up Scott and throws him into the pool]

Hey, you cool off now?! You're in there 'cause of your own actions!

Scott

Are you kidding me?! I'm gonna tell my mom you tried to drown me!

In an aboveground pool?! You're, like, **** eight feet tall!

Scott

You're lucky my dad isn't here! He would kick your ass!

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what, I knew your dad! Okay?!

Scott

Yeah?!

Yeah, I crossed paths with him a number of times! And you know what? He was even a bigger asshole than you are! [Scott gets out of pool and lunges at Raymond, throwing a punch with Raymond grabbing Scott around waist, grappling him and maneuvering him to the ground] All right, that's it, that's it! It's over! It's over. Huh?! Huh?! You like that?! You like that?!

Scott

Ow. Jesus! **** asshole!

Come on, tap out! Tap out!

Scott

**** you! No! Get me out! Let me out! No! No! Let me out! Oh, my God! Get me out!

Margie

What's the matter with you?!

Scott

He's a psycho.

No. We're just talking!

Margie

About what?!

About him telling you lies about me.

Scott

He's an animal. He picked me up and he threw me in the pool. All right? He has to go.

Margie

No, I need you to go. Now.

Scott

What? Why-why me? He-he's the one who started it.

Yeah, that's right. Get the hell out of here. And get a job and a life while you're at it. Your freeloading days are over.

Margie

You, too. Get going.

Wait, what did I do?!

Margie

You put your hands on my son! You're not respecting my family!

Scott

You're an animal!

Look, okay, just listen. Just calm down.

Margie

I don't have to calm down! What are... You're attacking my son! And you're, and you're making up lies! You made... You tricked me into thinking you're a good guy! You're not a good guy!

Right. Mm-hmm.

Margie

You're a **** small guy.

Margie, Margie, just let me explain this to you. Just let me talk to you, okay?

Margie

You are not in control of me!

Okay, okay, listen, all right? Okay, you don't have all the information you need. All right? Scott is acting out 'cause he's afraid to move on with his life. It's no different than when the Boston Red Sox finally won a World Series, okay?

Margie

Oh, my God.

They had, they had to get to a point where-where they believed, okay?

Margie

Just shut up.

All-all...

Margie

Shut the **** up.

All I did was just ask him a question, and he flipped out. So I put him in the water, which is soft. I diffused the situation. It was what-what m-my training's all about. I-I wa... I was totally diffusing the situation.

Margie

Do you ever shut up?! Do you ever just shut the **** up?! You just talk and you talK and you talk and you don't know what you're saying. It makes no sense. It's like you picked up all these little pieces of information from all over. They don't make any sense. They're fragments. No sense. Nonsense.

I-I'm not talking.

Margie

I've had it up to here. I'm done. Both of you, get your shit out of here! [She turns and walks away]

Margie. Oh, ****.

Scott

Well... Well, where do we go now?!

What are you asking me for?! You created this whole mess, you **** schmuck.

Scott Carlin

Hi, this guy's been either shot or stabbed, I don't know, he's been kinda vague about it.

Sir, have you been shot? Stabbed?

No, I fell in a thornbush.

Kelsey

What are those numbers on your arm?

Scott Carlin

That's the date my dad died.

Scott Carlin

Anyway, have a great day at school, ahh... . I hope its not shitty, and... umm... yea... give your sister a kiss goodbye.

Harold

We don't do that.

Scott Carlin

Just do it. [Harold kisses Kelly on the forehead] See, wasn't that nice? Now if she dies tomorrow, you'll remember that, that you kissed her goodbye. Have a good day at school.

Harold

Later man.

Scott Carlin

Pay attention.

Why would I die?

Scott Carlin

I dunno... you never know what is going to happen. You think you're immortal?

Scott Carlin

Ray! I cant sleep, I never go to sleep this early.

Ohh, you know what you should do - you should shut the **** up. Go to sleep.

Scott Carlin

Thanks.

Can't go to sleep... you should dip your weed in NyQuil you **** drug addict.

Papa

He's doin' a good job.

He knows how to wash a truck. Getting ready for his career working at a car wash.

Papa

Are you ever gonna give this kid a break or what?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Papa

Do nothing. Were you on the job when Stan was killed?

Yeah, you know I was.

Papa

What's the first thing you thought of when you heard?

I...I wondered if he had kids.

Scott

Why do I have to clean this thing anyway? It's just gonna get fire on it. Do you think the people that are burning alive give a **** if the truck is shiny? I'm just saying. I don't even know why I have to clean the truck. What, are you trying to show up all sexy to a fire?

Papa

I like him.