Hey, hey, wait. Hey, hey, guys. Look, look. You can't be here, man. Y-You got to go.
Why?
It's private property, that's why.
Scott
It's an abandoned orphanage. Why can't we be here?
Richie
Who gives a shit, man? What are you doing here? You **** protecting the ghosts of dead orphans?
Look, fat Kanye, shut your damn mouth. I'll be back in five minutes [Oscar raises middle finger] for you assholes. If you're still here, I'm calling the cops, period. [Walks away]
Oscar
You better get the cops, man, 'cause you're a fake cop. You need the real ones. Mother****ers.
Scott
**** all of y'all.
Igor
I feel bad. We- we were a little too mean.
Scott
Yeah. He's nice.
Igor
Yeah, he's a really good guy.
Kelsey
See that guy is what is wrong with Staten Island. We don’t get any of the cool people from any of the other boroughs. No one comes here. We’re stuck with the pricks who live here.
Oscar
You’re talking about us, right in front of us.
Kelsey
Kind of. I mean no one comes here! There’s no flow of people. That guy’s like two hundred. We’ve known him since we were six.
Why can’t this be like Brooklyn?
Kelsey
There’s no reason we shouldn’t be cool like Brooklyn. We’ve got amazing views. It’s close to the city. It’s cheap. Nice people. It makes no sense.
Scott
We’re like the only place New Jersey looks down on. You could see the garbage dump from space. This place is never gonna change.
Kelsey
No. It happened to the Meatpacking District, the Village. Brooklyn used to be a shithole. We’re next. I’m gonna take my civil service test. I’m gonna work for the city in city planning. You watch, this place is going to be **** Williamsburg in ten years.
Richie
Nobody wants that.
Scott
Why do you wanna work in the city and do city planning? That sounds so boring.
I feel like Brooklyn is better. I dated a guy that lived in Brooklyn. He was a mixologist. He made ice cubes out of milk. He was so classy.
Oscar
Shut up.
Kelsey
I love Staten Island. It’s amazing. And people are gonna see it soon. Trust me.
Scott
If you love it so much, why don’t you let me tattoo it on you?
Kelsey
No, I’m not letting you tattoo me again.
Scott
Well I need somebody to tattoo. Come on Rich, what about you man?
Richie
Don’t even look at me, dude.
Scott
Why?
Richie
Your work is mad inconsistent. Obama ain’t right.
Scott
I got the eyes wrong, okay?
Richie
He’s not right! This has hurt me. I don’t have any black friends anymore. I can’t go to a barber shop no more. You got Obama wrong. Ain’t nothing worse than that.
Scott
What about you, Igor? You want a dragon or something?
Igor
I love your tattoos. My brother? It’s the spitting image. It’s my favorite. No this is my favorite. [Lifts his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a cat with his navel implied to be the anus]
Igor
You killed that.
Scott
I really worked hard on the eyes.
Igor
He’s so cute. I love his butthole. It reminds me that I have a belly button. So I’m good.
Kelsey
I gotta go. Watching you beg to give tattoos is too sad. And that’s freaking me out.
