Kirk/Woodsman
What the schnitzel?
Voiced by Jim Belushi 
Hoodwinked (2005) · 71 quotes
Hoodwinked (2005) · 71 quotes
Tied for 5th most-quoted character in Hoodwinked (2005): in 12 of its 71 quotes
Most scenes with: The Wolf (4), Granny (3), Flippers (3)
I had always heard about call backs. But I had never gotten one!
More lines from Kirk/Woodsman
3 quotes
Kirk/Woodsman
Not my finger!
Kirk/Woodsman
Can I have coffee?
Scenes with Kirk/Woodsman
8 scenes
Woodsman
[disguised as Dolph]
Uh, Mister Rabbit...
Dolph! Where have you been? You nimwitted Eurotrash with the... what is that, a ski mask?
Woodsman
Uh, I, um, yah...
I like that! See, that's scary. Yeah that's good...
Woodsman
Um, b-boss...
WHAT? Say it! Spit it out! What's goin' on?
Woodsman
Um... boss, uh,
Woodsman
[singing]
Paul's bunion cream/has the soothing formula...
[interrupts, also in disguise]
Hi there! What he means to say is that I'm the building inspector.
Woodsman
Yah, yes!
I just need to tap the pipes; see if your wiring's up to par.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, you're not... no, you can't touch anything in here.
Woodsman
Arrrgh! Paul's bunion cream has the soothing formula...
Jimmy Lizard
[interrupts]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no. Hold it, hold it. Ho, ho, stop... Look, "Argh"?
Woodsman
Uh-huh...
Jimmy Lizard
What... what are ya, some kinda German pirate or somethin'?
Woodsman
I just got the script, like, five minutes ago... I'm trying...
Jimmy Lizard
Okay, sure, sure, um... you're not gettin' it...
It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake.
[walks past dog typing notes]
Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth.
The Goody Bandit...
That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit.
Woodsman
Not my finger!
[quickly puts index finger in mouth and starts sucking it]
Oh no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home.
[the Woodsman starts spluttering]
Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?
Woodsman
But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?
Thats right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right Granny?
Now hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.
Woodsman
Huh?
A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.
And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Eh?
Or she could just be another victim... of a hungry Wolf
Ah, the wolf did it. Talk about profiling.
Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?
Maybe he's not a wolf at all!
You got me. I'm a poodle. I just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.
Is this all just a big joke to you?
I just followed the girl here.
You leave my granddaughter alone!
Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run.
I can't believe I'm saying this but... drink up
[Sips coffee and his eyes bulge and he starts shaking]
Yee-hoo-hoo-hoo! Wahooo! Caffeine! Yeah baby! Whoa!
Go get 'em boy.
Now the rest's up to us.
Woodsman
Can I have coffee?
[Flippers has Kirk brought in to be interviewed; Kirk hits his head on the doorway coming into the room] [to Det. Stork about Kirk]
This guy's a loon.
Watch it, chief. My mama's half-loon.
[Chief Grizzly shoots him a "what?" look] [to Kirk]
My, my. You're a big fellow. Shop at the Big and Tall store?
Kirk
This is a big and tall mistake! I would not hurt a butterfly!
Yeah that's a funny accent you got there, choppy.
Kirk
I can do the Cowboy accent. [cowboy accent] "Howdy, partner!"
Indeed you can. Say, before you ride off into the sunset, you think you could rustle us up some information?
Kirk
[Kirk is falling through the trees]
Sorry little birds!
Turtle
[A tree with a populated bird's nest on it falls; one branch nearly hits two turtles]
RUN! [he and his mate start inching along with strained necks]
[Kirk has just finished his story]
So, you didn't jump through the window, you were pushed. By a tree. Because you were pretending to be a woodsman. To sell foot cream.
Kirk
I got the callback!
And good for you. Suffice to say, our thespian friend here knows the least about anything.
Kirk
Exactly! What does that mean?
That it all points to Granny.
I guess I must have had my eyes shut pretty tight, not to see how fast you were growing up. You were really somethin' up there.
[They hear the horn and see Kirk's schnitzel truck with caterpillar wheels running by] [waving]
Hey, Red!
Kirk
[holding the recovered recipes]
Hello, everybody! Look, we got the book! [accidentally crashed down another tree with his truck, and the tree falls and crushed the porcupine's another car]
