Flippers
What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists could slip right out! How about a cage?
Bring in the cage!
Flippers
I was being sarcastic.
Sarcasm, strike the cage...
Red
A wolf, stopping kids in the middle of a wood? That's pretty creepy.
Flippers
True. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.
Tommy
Yeah, Bruce, you know that guy we got in the tank?
Ah, the creepy one?
Tommy
Yeah, better let him go.
Flippers
It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake.
Flippers
Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth.
Wolf
The Goody Bandit...
Flippers
That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit.
Woodsman
Not my finger!
Flippers
Oh no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home.
Flippers
Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?
Woodsman
But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?
Flippers
Thats right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right Granny?
Granny
Now hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.
Woodsman
Huh?
Flippers
A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.
Chief Grizzly
And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Eh?
Flippers
Or she could just be another victim... of a hungry Wolf
Wolf
Ah, the wolf did it. Talk about profiling.
Flippers
Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?
Chief Grizzly
Maybe he's not a wolf at all!
Wolf
You got me. I'm a poodle. I just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.
Chief Grizzly
Is this all just a big joke to you?
Wolf
I just followed the girl here.
Granny
You leave my granddaughter alone!
Flippers
Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run.
Flippers
Where is she anyway?
Flippers
What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists could slip right out! How 'bout a cage?
Det. Stork
Bring in the cage!
Flippers
I was being sarcastic.
Det. Stork
Sarcasm. Strike the cage...
Chief Grizzly
Well all right. Get the cuffs off her.
Nicky Flippers
So, Red, why don't you explain how this all began?
Red
Well, like any other day: I was making deliveries to my granny's goodie shop.
Watchya readin', Red? [sees the magazine cover] "Far Away Places"? Are you going somewhere far away?
Red
No. The world is too dangerous for me. [throws her arms up in exasperation, in the process throwing her magazine away. It lands spread-open on a passing car]
Aah! Can't see! Danger! Turn into the skid! [cuts back to Red as we hear the sound of screeching tires, followed seconds later by a loud crash. Red gives a tense look to the camera] I'm okay! I'll walk it off!
You can't go away! Who's gonna ride the goody bike?
Red
If I had wings like you, I'd fly all the way past that mountain, [waves towards a snowcapped peak in the distance] and the next one and the next one...but I can't. I'm just a kid.
I'm just a woodpecker. [Red hears the sound of glass being shattered and flinches] Uh-oh. [Red shimmies down the rope and runs over to Granny's store, nearby, and finds the front window shattered. She opens the door, picks up a rock on the floor, and finds the words "YOU'RE NEXT!" written on it; fluttering down and landing next to Red's feet] "You're next!"? What does it mean, "You're next!"?
Ruined... [turns and trudges away, muttering to herself]
Red
It means someone wants our recipes... [and with determination, she grabs the recipe book from the safe]
Are they gonna get your recipes?
Red
Not today. [loads the book into her basket and places it under a tray]
Flippers
So, you deliberately took your granny's recipes from the family vault, without permission?
Red
Help yourself.
Flippers
And then, you set off on a dangerous journey up the mountain [flicks an olive off the toothpick, snatching it out of the air with his tongue] alone?
Red
Yeah. I guess I did.
Wolf
You can't hold on to those recipes forever! I'll get you and your little granny too!
Chief Grizzly
Yep, that settles it. [cuts back to the interview] We've got our bandit.
Flippers
Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.
Chickens?
Red
You've gotta admit, a wolf? Stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!
Flippers
Hmm, yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.
Tommy
Yeah, Bruce, you know that guy we've got in the tank?
Uh, the creepy one?
Tommy
Yeah, better let him go.
Flippers
So you went on to Granny's?
Red
I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.
Wolf
Don't I get a drink?
Chief Grizzly
No!
Flippers
So! Mr. Wolf, may I call you Wolf?
Wolf
You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.
Chief Grizzly
Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, so start singin'!
Flippers
Your face looks familiar!
Wolf
I get around the forest.
Flippers
What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?
Wolf
I'm a shepherd. [Stork strikes his hand with his baton] Hey!
Red
You might as well confess! I told them everything!
Wolf
Will you keep her away from me, please!
Flippers
I remember you! Three years ago on the Stiltskin case, you were snooping around for a lead on his real name.
Wolf
I was close, too. I was going to go with "Greg". Greg Stiltsken.
Chief Grizzly
Hang on! Wait a minute, Flippers, you're saying this guy's a cop?
Flippers
Worse. He's a reporter.
Red
A what?!
Wolf
And I've got the real story.
Wolf
Those sheep made me hungry. After this, we're grabbing a bite.
Twitchy
Sounds good, sounds good.
I don't know what to do. I mean, should I call her? Should I-
Well she's keeping her options open. Seeing other people probably, you should do the same.
Shh. Up there.
Do you mind?
Wolf
Ooh. Sorry. [aims his radar gun back at the cable car's cabin and continues walking, eventually picking up voices]
Boingo's voice: Hey, you deliver up this far?
Red's voice: [unintelligible due to static] ...but I was thinking of...the Muffin Man...Granny's recipes...an evil plan...to shut down everyone in the forest.
Wolf
I knew it. She's working for the old lady. Twitchy?
Wolf
Ouch. [as Red discovers a footprint, Twitchy swallows his camera. The extra weight causes him to fall from his branch and snap a through-the-mouth flash photo of Red; facepalms] Ugh. [steps out from his hiding place. Red gasps] Afternoon.
Red
Hello.
Wolf
So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now. [Twitchy hides behind his boss and coughs up his camera] Yep, gravity's working...So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? Are you taking the goodies to someone in particular?
Red
Uhhh...my granny.
Wolf
Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?
Red
You ask a lot of questions, mister!
Wolf
Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.
Red
I'd rather you didn't.
Wolf
I mean, please! Come back here! [turns to Twitchy] What are you doing?!
Twitchy
Sorry! I was just winding! I was just - You had your tail-
Wolf
Come on! We're gonna lose her! Red?! Red Riding Hood?! We'll never catch her. Taxi! [a taxi cab picks him up, but leaves Twitchy behind; Wolf sees Red run past] Whoa, that was her. We passed her. Right here's fine. [the taxi drops off him; into his tape recorder] Suspect is approaching on foot, stolen recipes in basket. I'm about to catch her red-handed. [steps out from behind the tree he is using as cover when Red gets close; she gasps and freezes] Hand over the basket!
Red
Hi-yah! [starts kicking and punching him]
Flippers
So, you really took a beating, from a little girl?
Wolf
Hey.
Red
HIIII-YAH!! [spin-kicks Wolf, causing him to fall on his back, then takes off]
Wolf
Come back here, you little brat! [as Twitchy runs, trying to catch up, the Wolf chases Red's cape, not noticing that it is actually being flown by hummingbirds. When he grabs it, he finds it empty, and the camera whips back to reveal him frozen in mid-air past the edge of a cliff] Okay. Not cool. [falls and screams into the freezing water below; floating away, and noticing Red standing on the cliff above him] You can't hold onto those recipes forever! I'll get you and your little granny too! [sees a fisherman on the river bank looking at him intently]
Hmm. That's fishy.
Wolf
What?! They're evil! I'll prove it!
Chief Grizzly
This guy's a loon.
Det. Stork
Watch it, chief. My mama's half-loon.
Flippers
My, my. You're a big fellow. Shop at the Big and Tall store?
Kirk
This is a big and tall mistake! I would not hurt a butterfly!
Det. Stork
Then what's this?! A letter opener?!
Chief Grizzly
Yeah that's a funny accent you got there, choppy.
Kirk
I can do the Cowboy accent. [cowboy accent] "Howdy, partner!"
Flippers
Indeed you can. Say, before you ride off into the sunset, you think you could rustle us up some information?
Flippers
So, you didn't jump through the window, you were pushed. By a tree. Because you were pretending to be a woodsman. To sell foot cream.
Kirk
I got the callback!
Flippers
And good for you. Suffice to say, our thespian friend here knows the least about anything.
Kirk
Exactly! What does that mean?
Chief Grizzly
That it all points to Granny.
Granny
Honey, don't look at your granny like that.
Red
I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G! Or are you the bandit?
Det. Stork
Awkward! [awkwardly side slips his way out of the room]
Granny
You're being ridiculous, Red.
Red
I'm being ridiculous?! You're off living...La Vida Loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills! And I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?!
Tommy
I have a...
Flippers
Coffee break, anyone?
Chief Grizzly
Uh, yeah.
Det. Stork
Who's got my keys?
You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage?
Chief Grizzly
Excuse us.
Granny
I thought you were happy.
Red
Open your eyes. I've never even been outside of the forest. Don't you think I'd want more than that?
Granny
Of course you do. You're a Puckett.
Red
I don't know what that means anymore. [takes off her red hood, drops it on the floor, and leaves the room]
[Granny sadly picks it up as she watches her granddaughter leave]
Flippers
Who taught you how to drive?
Chief Grizzly
Almost hit a squirrel!
