Granny Listen, honey, if there's two things your granny doesn't do, it's lie, and play extreme sports.
Played by Glenn Close 
Hoodwinked (2005) · 71 quotes
Hoodwinked (2005) · 71 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Hoodwinked (2005): in 19 of its 71 quotes
Most scenes with: Red (8), The Wolf (5), Kirk/Woodsman (3)
Scenes with Granny
19 scenes Granny Granny Honey, don't look at your granny like that.
I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G. Or... are you the Bandit?
Bill
Awkward!
[awkwardly slips out of the room]
Granny [Boingo does his evil dance]
We've got to do something!
I know. The song was catchy, but their choreography was awful.
It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake.
[walks past dog typing notes]
Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth.
The Goody Bandit...
That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit.
Not my finger!
[quickly puts index finger in mouth and starts sucking it]
Oh no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home.
[the Woodsman starts spluttering]
Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?
But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?
Thats right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right Granny?
Granny Now hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.
Huh?
A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.
And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Eh?
Or she could just be another victim... of a hungry Wolf
Ah, the wolf did it. Talk about profiling.
Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?
Maybe he's not a wolf at all!
You got me. I'm a poodle. I just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.
Is this all just a big joke to you?
I just followed the girl here.
Granny You leave my granddaughter alone!
Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run.
I can't believe I'm saying this but... drink up
[Sips coffee and his eyes bulge and he starts shaking]
Yee-hoo-hoo-hoo! Wahooo! Caffeine! Yeah baby! Whoa!
Go get 'em boy.
Granny Now the rest's up to us.
Can I have coffee?
[While Red is riding her bike, Boingo spots her]
Hey Red! [hops into her basket] Oh, nice outfit! Always "red" with you. You must be in autumn.
[glumly]
No, he closed up shop. Somebody took all his recipes last night and now I'm out of a job!
Oh, gee, Boingo, I'm really sorry! Are you still running the cable car?
Yeah. Yeah, I am, but it's nothin' like making goodies all day. I'll tell you that.
Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better? [hands him one]
[brightens]
Oh boy, oh boy! Thanks, Red! I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascally...devil!
Yeah, well, the woods don't go 'round by themselves.
Mother Beaver
[Boingo hops away. Then Red sees a family of four beavers abandoning their boarded up roadside snack shack]
Come on, let's go.
Child Beaver
Where are we going now, mama?
[narrating]
With the Goodie Bandit on the loose, recipes were becoming an endangered species. I decided to call Granny. If anyone would know what to do, she would.
Granny [Cut to Granny talking on the phone with her while knitting]
I don't know what to do. I'm just a tired old lady.
Your recipes are the most famous in the whole forest, Granny! What if they get swiped? It could wipe you out! Maybe I should bring you the recipe book, just for safekeeping!
Granny A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.
I'm not so little anymore!
Granny Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.
But-
Granny I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. [blows air kisses and hangs up]
Granny Huh? What's that? Who's there?
It's Red. I'm on my way to come see you-
Granny Oh my, dearie, I-I'm not prepared! I need to...put down fresh doilies! Aah! [slips on something]
Granny! Granny! What's wrong?
Granny Gotta go, munchkin. Banzai! [hangs up]
[a worried expression creeps over her face]
Oh no! [hangs up and turns to Japeth, wild-eyed] Mr. Goat, my granny's in trouble! I've got to find a way around the mountain, fast!
Oh, good! More singing...
Granny [Red's mine cart has just gone airborne; as she looks down]
Red!
Granny Use the hood, Red! Use the hood!
[Red unfastens her cloak, which turns into a parachute as the cart plummets to Earth. As she emerges from the clouds...]
What?! [looks in disbelief as Japeth flies past her, holding his banjo and wearing antlers with rotors on the ends]
I was prepared! [flies up and away as Red looks on, bemused]
Granny [After Granny's trophies are revealed in her closet, including her Triple-G tattoo on the back of her neck] [beginning to tell her story]
It's true, I'm not like other grannies. I never did like the quilting bees and the bingo parlors. I'd rather live life to the extreme!
Granny [Granny is on the phone with Red]
A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.
I'm not so little anymore!
Granny Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.
But-
Granny I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. [blows air kisses and hangs up. The camera pulls back to show Granny is holding ski poles and wearing skis] Time to shred some powder!
P-Biggie
Yo, Triple-G! What's up, baby?
2-Tone
Granny! What's happening?
Granny What up, my homies?
Granny [Granny meets her teammates before the Xtreme Dream ski race]
Ooh, almost forgot. I made you kids some snicker-doodles.
2-Tone
[Everyone starts talking at once]
Yo!
P-Biggie
Tight! Oh yeah, snicker-doodles, snicker-doodles! Give it up, give it up!
2-Tone
Gimme one of those!
Zorra
Yeah, snicker-doodles. Those are my favorite.
2-Tone
Snickadeedoo!
[Everyone looks at 2-Tone blankly]
Granny [Prior to the Xtreme Dream Snowsports Competition, Granny encounters Boingo]
Well, what's your name?
Umm...just put, "To my biggest and cutest fan, Boingo." And then, like, put some X's and O's and a little smiley face.
Vincent
[The skiers are lined up at the starting line]
Oh, yeah.
You be careful, Granny Puckett! Old ladies get hurt on these slopes!
Granny Bring it, honey.
Granny [Dolph is hanging Granny from a cliff]
Who do you work for?!
I. Can't. Tell you that!
Granny Young man, you tell me this instant!
All right! [sniffles] We were hired by the bandit!
Granny Who is the bandit?!
[Dolph growls, lets go of Granny, then pushes her off the cliff; Granny screams as she disappears into the fog] [pulls out his walkie-talkie and calls his boss]
Granny is finished. Now we go after the little red-hooded girl.
Granny [The camera zooms down to show Granny hanging onto a branch just out of sight] [upon overhearing the conversation]
Red!
Granny [Granny has just revealed her secret sports life to the police. Red is giving a disgusted look at her]
Honey, don't look at your granny like that.
I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G! Or are you the bandit?
Granny You're being ridiculous, Red.
I'm being ridiculous?! You're off living...La Vida Loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills! And I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?!
Coffee break, anyone?
Uh, yeah.
Raccoon Jerry
You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage?
Excuse us.
Granny [Everyone, except Red and Granny, files out of the room]
I thought you were happy.
Open your eyes. I've never even been outside of the forest. Don't you think I'd want more than that?
Granny Of course you do. You're a Puckett.
[sighs]
I don't know what that means anymore. [takes off her red hood, drops it on the floor, and leaves the room]
[Granny sadly picks it up as she watches her granddaughter leave]
[As Red sits by a waterfall, she muses about her past. In one flashback, she finds a medal in a drawer]
Huh, what's this?
Granny Oh, it says "World's Greatest Grandma."
Grandma, I can read. It says "Battle of the Iron Cage Gladiators."
Granny [Black-and-white photos of Granny in a cage match are shown] [hiding her true nature]
If there's two things I don't do, it's lie, and play extreme sports.
Granny [After Boingo finishes his song "Top of the Woods"]
Sweet tea and cookies! We've got to do something!
I know. The song was catchy, but the choreography was terrible.
Granny I guess I must have had my eyes shut pretty tight, not to see how fast you were growing up. You were really somethin' up there.
[They hear the horn and see Kirk's schnitzel truck with caterpillar wheels running by] [waving]
Hey, Red!
[holding the recovered recipes]
Hello, everybody! Look, we got the book! [accidentally crashed down another tree with his truck, and the tree falls and crushed the porcupine's another car]
Other characters in Hoodwinked
More Glenn Close characters
Cruella de Vil
Marquise de Merteuil
Cruella De Vil
Kala
Vice President Kathryn Bennett
Sunny von Bülow
Claire
Kala