Dr. Hackenbush [giving a pill to a horse]
Take one of those every half mile and call me if there's any change.
Most-quoted character in A Day at the Races (1937): in 22 of its 26 quotes
Most scenes with: Mrs. Upjohn (5), Whitmore (5), Tony (3)
Emily, I have a little confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at any other horse.
More lines from Dr. Hackenbush
6 quotes Dr. Hackenbush Dr. Hackenbush [after examining Stuffy]
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!
Dr. Hackenbush [to Stuffy]
Don't drink that poison! That's four dollars an ounce.
Dr. Hackenbush Will you have the bellhop hop up with some hop scotch?
Dr. Hackenbush It's the old, old story. Boy meets girl - Romeo and Juliet - Minneapolis and St. Paul!
Dr. Hackenbush [the racetrack trumpet sounds]
So it's WAR! I'm off to the battlefield!
Scenes with Dr. Hackenbush
15 scenes Hackenbush Here boy. Take these bags up to my room, and here's a dime for yourself.
Oh, no, no, no. This is Mr. Whitmore, our business manager.
Hackenbush Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Here's a quarter!
Hackenbush At the age of fifteen I got a job in a drugstore filling prescriptions.
Don't you have to be twenty-one to fill prescriptions?
Hackenbush Well, uh, that's for grown-ups. I just fill them for children.
No, no, Doctor. I mean, where did you get your training as a physician?
Hackenbush Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar.
Vassar? But that's a girls' college.
Hackenbush I found that out the third year. I'd 've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.
The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.
Hackenbush Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic-
Ah, and what happened?
Hackenbush I got the flu.
[Dr. Hackenbush hands a large pill to Mrs. Upjohn]
Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.
Hackenbush Oh, you've taken them before.
Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?
Hackenbush You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.
May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?
Hackenbush Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.
Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track!
Hackenbush I notice he wins all the time.
Aw, just because he comes in first.
Hackenbush Well, I don't want 'em any better than first.
…
Here your ice cream. [offering a hint book for betting on the horses] One dollar and you'll remember me all your life.
Hackenbush That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had. [buys code book]
Here your ice cream. Tootsie-frootsie ice cream. [code book says that horse Z-V-B-X-R-P-L will win the next race; Tony offers a free code book to decode the letters] …just a one dollar printing charge.
Hackenbush Well, uh, give me one without printing. I'm sick of printing.
…just a two dollar delivery charge.
Hackenbush What do you mean delivery charge? I'm standing right next to you.
Well, for such a short distance, I make it a dollar.
Hackenbush Couldn't I move over here and make it uh - fifty cents?
Yes, but I'd move over here and make it a dollar just the same.
Hackenbush [after buying many guidebooks]
All I wanted was a horse, not a public library.
…
Hackenbush [after realising he was swindled by Tony]
Get your Tootsie-Frootsie. Nice ice cream. Nice Tootsie-Frootsie ice cream.
Hackenbush Record department. Col. Hawkins talkin'.
Col. Hawkins, did you get a wire for me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?
Hackenbush [turns on a fan and blows a paper against it]
I'm sorry sir. There's a hurricane blowin' down here, and you have to talk a little louder. Woo! It's certainly the windiest day we ever had! WOO! Certainly is windy!
I want to find out about Dr. HACKENBUSH! (Hackenbush calls him on the intercom, pulling him away from the phone) Yes?
Hackenbush Whitmore you'll have to cut out that squawking! The patients are all complaining! [on the phone, posing as Colonel Hawkins]...I hope, sir, that's the information that you require.
I'm sorry, Colonel. I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictagraph.
Hackenbush What was that you said sir?
Hackenbush [Hackenbush turns on the intercom again]
: Whitmore, one more yelp outta you and I'll have you bounced out of here! (on the phone)...And I trust, sir, that that answers your question.
I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear you!
Hackenbush I can't hear you, you will have to talk a little louder.
I want to find out something about Hackenbush! (Hackenbush calls him on the intercom again) Well, what is it now?!
Hackenbush Whitmore, that's the last time I'm gonna warn you about that yowling! (on the phone) And in conclusion, let me say…
I'm sorry Colonel. What was that you said about Hackenbush?
Hackenbush Hack- you mean, Dr. Hackenbush? Oh, no, he's not here.
Hackenbush Then what are you botherin' me for, Yankee?
But I want to know something about his Florida record-
Hackenbush (in a female telephone operator's voice)
Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore-
Whitmmore
Operator, will you get off the line! Hello, hello, Colonel?
Hackenbush Yes?
Are you sure you're speaking about Hugo Z. Hackenbush?
Hackenbush Who?
Hugo Z. Hackenbush!
Hackenbush Who's calling him?
Hackenbush Yeah! That's where he works! Say, I understand he's doing a mighty fine job up there.
I... I want to get some information regarding his qualifications for the job.
Hackenbush What job?
As head of the sanitarium!
Hackenbush Who?
Hackenbush!
Hackenbush [on the intercom]
Whitmore, are you calling me?
No, you sap! (picks up the phone)... Hello.
Hackenbush Yes, now, uh, now what was that name?
Hackenbush. HACK-EN-BUSH!
Hackenbush Uh-huh. Well, as soon as he comes in, I'll have him get in touch with you.
Hackenbush [examining Stuffy with an auriscope]
I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde.
Told you he was sick.
Hackenbush [pointing to Stuffy's neck]
That's all pure desecration along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%.
That's bad.
Hackenbush With a 1% mentality. [Stuffy grins] He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at.
Hey doc. Hey doc!
Hackenbush Huh?
You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself.
Hackenbush I knew it all the time. That was a good joke on all of us, wasn't it?
Flo Why, I've never been so insulted in my life!
Hackenbush [after looking at his watch]
Well, it's early yet.
Hackenbush Don't talk so loud, your mustache will drop off.
Have you got a woman in here?
Hackenbush If I haven't, I've wasted thirty minutes of valuable time.
Well, ya better get her out. This is the last time I'm goin' to tell ya.
Hackenbush The last time? Can I depend on that?
Yes, because this time I'm goin' to stay here all night.
Flo I want you to hold me. Oh, hold me closer! Closer! Closer!
Hackenbush If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of ya!
May I present to you, Dr. Leoplod X. Steinberg of Vienna. And this is Dr. Hackenbush.
Ah, doctor. I have a few questions I would like to ask you.
Hackenbush I would have a few questions I would like to ask you. Steinberg, what do you do with your own razorblades?
HUH!!?
Gil Are you a man or a mouse?
Hackenbush If you put a piece of cheese♧ in there, you'll find out.
Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.
There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.
Hackenbush You don't look like as though you ever met a healthy woman.
WHAT?!!
Judy Doctor, may I have one of your photographs?
Hackenbush Why I haven't one. I could let you have my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks!
May I present to you, Dr. Leoplod X. Steinberg of Vienna. And this is Dr. Hackenbush.
Ah, doctor. I have a few questions I would like to ask you.
Hackenbush I would have a few questions I would like to ask you. Steinberg, what do you do with your old razorblades?
HUH!!?
I've been telling Dr. Steinberg about your unusual case.
Yes, and I would like to hear more about this ailment, "double blood pressure?" [looks scornfully at Hackenbush.]
Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.
Hah! There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.
Hackenbush You don't look like as though you ever met a healthy woman.
WHAT?!!
Gil [watching a horse]
Look at that! He cleared the automobile!
Hackenbush I wish I could clear mine.
