Rufus T. Firefly I danced before Napoleon. No, Napoleon danced before me. In fact, he danced two hundred years before me.
Played by Groucho Marx 
Duck Soup (1933) · 49 quotes
Duck Soup (1933) · 49 quotes
Most-quoted character in Duck Soup (1933): in 40 of its 49 quotes
Most scenes with: Chicolini (11), Mrs. Teasdale (7), Trentino (5)
I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home.
More lines from Rufus T. Firefly
15 quotes Rufus T. Firefly Rufus T. Firefly These are the laws of my administration
No one's allowed to smoke
Or tell a dirty joke
And whistling is forbidden...
If chewing gum is chewed
The chewer is pursued.
And in the hoosegow hidden...
If any form of pleasure is exhibited
Report to me and it will be prohibited.
I'll put my foot down, so shall it be.
This is the land of the free.
The last man nearly ruined this place
He didn't know what to do with it
If you think this country's bad off now
Just wait 'til I get through with it
The country's taxes must be fixed
And I know what to do with it
If you think you're paying too much now
Just wait 'til I get through with it...
I will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair
I'm strictly on the up and up
So everyone beware
If anyone's caught taking graft
And I don't get my share
We stand 'em up against the wall
And pop goes the weasel.
If any man should come between her husband and his bride
We find out which one she prefers
By letting her decide
If she prefers the other man
The husband steps outside
We stand 'em up against the wall
And pop goes the weasel.
These Are The Laws of My Administration, sung just after his inauguration
Rufus T. Firefly I'm in a hurry! To the House of Representatives! Ride like fury! If you run out of gas, get ethyl. If Ethel runs out, get Mabel.
Rufus T. Firefly [On the phone]
Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters, headquarters!
Rufus T. Firefly Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail out of it.
Rufus T. Firefly [to Chicolini]
I wanted to get a writ of habeas corpus, but I should have gotten a-rid of you instead.
Rufus T. Firefly This is the fifth trip I've made today, and I haven't been anywhere yet!
Rufus T. Firefly I'd be unworthy of the high trust that's been placed in me if I didn't do everything in my power to keep our beloved Freedonia at peace with the world. I'd be only too happy to meet with Ambassador Trentino and offer him on behalf of my country the right hand of good fellowship. And I feel sure he will accept this gesture in the spirit of which it is offered. But suppose he doesn't? A fine thing that'll be. I hold out my hand and he refuses to accept. That'll add a lot to my prestige, won't it? Me, the head of a country, snubbed by a foreign ambassador. Who does he think he is, that he can come here, and make a sap of me in front of all my people? Think of it! I hold out my hand and that hyena refuses to accept! Why, the cheap four-flushing swine! He'll never get away with it, I tell you! He'll never get away with it!
Rufus T. Firefly Here are the plans of war. They're as valuable as your life. And that's putting them pretty cheap. Watch them like a cat watched her kittens. Have you ever had kittens? No, of course not, you're too busy running around playing bridge.
Rufus T. Firefly You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember while you're out there risking life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are.
Rufus T. Firefly I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
Rufus T. Firefly [locked in a closet]
Hey let me out! Let me out of here, or throw me a magazine!
Rufus T. Firefly I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.
Rufus T. Firefly [on a telephone]
Get me headquarters. Not hindquarters, headquarters!
Rufus T. Firefly Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Scenes with Rufus T. Firefly
24 scenes
Oh, your Excellency. We've been expecting you. As chairwoman of the reception committee, I extend the wishes of every man, woman, and child of Freedonia.
Firefly Never mind that stuff. (pulls a deck of cards from his pocket) Take a card.
Card? What will I do with the card?
Firefly You can keep it. I've got fifty-one left. Now what were you saying?
As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
Firefly Is that so? How late do you stay open?
I've sponsored your appointment because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.
Firefly Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say! You cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it. I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
The future of Freedonia rests on you. Promise me you will follow in the footsteps of my husband.
Firefly (to audience)
How do you like that? I haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. (to Mrs. Teasdale) Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Why, he's dead.
Firefly I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.
I was with him to the very end.
Firefly Hmmph. No wonder he passed away.
I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Firefly Oh, I see. Then, it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
He left me his entire fortune.
Firefly Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you! (jumps into her arms)
Oh, your Excellency!
Firefly You're not so bad yourself.
Firefly Oh, uh, I suppose you would think me a sentimental old fluff, but, uh, would you mind giving me lock of your hair?
A lock of my hair? Wh-why, I had no idea that you...
Firefly I'm letting you off easy: I was going to ask for the whole wig.
Oh, I want to present to you Ambassador Trentino of Sylvania. Having him with us today is indeed a great pleasure.
Thank you, but I can't stay very long.
Firefly That's even a greater pleasure. Now, how about lending this country 20 million dollars, you old skinflint.
20 million dollars is a lot of money. I'd have to take that up with my Minister of Finance.
Firefly Well, in the meantime, could you let me have 12 dollars until payday?
12 dollars?
Firefly Don't be scared. You'll get it back. I'll give you my personal note for 90 days. If it isn't paid by then, you can keep the note.
Your Excellency? Haven't we seen each other somewhere before?
Firefly I don't think so. I'm not sure I'm seeing you now. It must be something I ate.
Look here Sir, are you trying to...?
Firefly Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.
The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.
Firefly Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.
Firefly And now members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business.
Minister
I wish to discuss the tariff.
Firefly Sit down. That's new business. No old business? Very well. Then, we'll take up new business.
Minister
Now about that tariff.
Firefly Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.
Minister of Labor
The Department of Labor wishes to report that the workers of Freedonia are demanding shorter hours.
Firefly Very well, we'll give them shorter hours. We'll start by cutting their lunch hour to twenty minutes. And now, gentlemen, we've got to start looking for a new Treasurer.
Minister of Labor
But you appointed one last week!
Firefly That's the one I'm looking for.
Secretary of War Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Enough of this. How about taking up the tax?
Firefly How about taking up the carpet?
Secretary of War I still insist we must take up the tax.
Firefly He's right. You've got to take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet.
Secretary of War I give all my time and energy to my duties and what do I get?
Firefly You get awfully tiresome after a while.
Secretary of War Sir, you try my patience!
Firefly I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine sometime.
Secretary of War That's the last straw. I resign! I wash my hands of the whole business.
Firefly That's a good idea. You can wash your neck, too.
Firefly Now listen here. I've got a swell job for you, but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions. Now, what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia and it never rains but it pours? [He chuckles, thinking he has baffled Chicolini]
That's-a good one. I give you three guesses.
Firefly Now, let me see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia...Is it male or female?
No, I don't think so.
Firefly Is he dead?
Who?
Firefly I don't know. I give up.
I give up too. Now, I ask you another one. What is it got big black-a moustache, smokes a big black cigar, and is a big pain in the neck?
Firefly Now, don't tell me. Has a big black moustache, smokes a big black cigar and is a big pain in the -
Uh -
Firefly Does he wear glasses?
Ats-a right. You guess it quick.
Firefly Just for that, you don't get the job I was gonna give you.
What job?
Firefly Secretary of War.
All right, I take it.
Firefly Sold!
Firefly Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have?
Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army.
Firefly Why should we have a standing army?
Because then we save money on chairs.
Firefly I can't give you wealth, but, uh, we can have a little family of our own.
Oh Rufus!
Firefly All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head.
Your Excellency. I really don't know what to say.
Firefly I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. [To Trentino] Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.
What?!
Firefly I'm sorry I said that. It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
You Swine!...You Worm!...You Upstart!
[Firefly slaps him with his glove]
Mrs. Teasdale. I'm afraid this regrettable occurrence may plunge our countries into war.
Oh, this is terrible!
I've said enough. I'm a man of few words.
Firefly I'm a man of one word: Scram!
Your Excellency, the Ambassador's here on a friendly visit. He's had a change of heart.
Firefly A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
I'm sorry we lost our tempers. I'm willing to forget if you are.
Firefly Forget? You ask me to forget? A Firefly never forgets. Why, my ancestors would rise from their graves, and I'd only have to bury them again. Nothing doing. I'm going back and clean the crackers out of my bed. I'm expecting company.
Please wait.
Firefly Let go of me, you bully!
Oh!
I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
Firefly It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.
Do you mean Worm?
Firefly No, that wasn't it.
I know, Swine!
Firefly ...No, it was a seven letter word.
Oh yes, Upstart?
Firefly That's it! Upstart.
Firefly Go, and never darken my towels again!
Chicolini, you're charged with high treason. And if found guilty, you'll be shot.
I object.
You object. On what grounds?
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Firefly Objection sustained.
Your Excellency? You sustained the objection?
Firefly Sure. I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?
Chicolini, when were you born?
I don't remember. I was just a little baby.
Firefly Chicolini, give me a number from one to ten.
Eleven.
Firefly Right.
Now I aska you one. What is it has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in the circus?
That's irrelevant.
Irr-elephant? Hey, that's the answer! There's a whole lotta irr-elephants in the circus.
Minister/Judge
That sort of testimony we can eliminate.
Thats-a fine. I'll take some.
Minister/Judge
You'll take what?
Eliminate. A nice, cool glass o' lemonade.
Chicolini, isn't it true you sold Freedonia's secret war code and plans?
Chicolin
Sure, I sold a code and two pairs o' plans. Hahaha! 'At's-a some joke, eh boss?
Firefly Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth or eleven years in Twelveworth.
I tell you what I'll do. I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.
Firefly Take a letter.
Who to?
Firefly To my dentist.
Firefly Uh... Dear dentist, enclosed find check for $500, yours very truly. Send that off immediately.
I'll, um, I'll have to enclose a check first.
Firefly You do and I'll fire you.
Firefly Where's my Stradivarius?
Officer
Here, sir.
Firefly I'll show 'em they can't fiddle around with old Firefly!
Firefly [he pulls a tommygun out of his violin case and opens fire]
Look at them run. Now they know they've been in a war.
Your Excellency!
Firefly [making the sound of rat-a-tat-tat]
They're fleeing like rats.
But sir, I've got to tell you.
Firefly Remind me to give myself the Firefly Medal for this.
Your Excellency, you're shooting your own men!
Firefly What?
You're shooting your own men!
Firefly Here's $5, keep it under your hat.
Firefly [holds out his hat to take the $5 back]
Never mind, I'll keep it under my hat.
I wouldn't go out-a there even if I was-a in one o' those big things-a go up and down!
Firefly Tanks?
You're welcome.
Firefly Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it?
General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
Firefly Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda in a half a glass of water.
Firefly Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?
I've done it already.
Firefly You've done what?
I've changed to the other side.
Firefly So, you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
Well, the food is better over here.
He's some smart dog. You know, he went with Admiral Byrd to the Pole.
Firefly I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.
Hello, boss!
Firefly Chicolini, I bet you eight-to-one we find you guilty.
At's-a no good; I can get ten-to-one at the barbershop.
Officer
Chicolini, you're charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.
I object.
Officer
[scoffs]
Oh, you object? On what grounds?
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Firefly [raps gavel]
Objection sustained.
Officer
Your Excellency, you sustained the objection?!
Firefly Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say, either. Why don't you object?
I wouldn't go out there unless I had one of those big iron things that go up and down. What do you call those things?
Firefly Tanks.
You're welcome.
Firefly You're the Secretary of War. Why don't you do something?
I've done it already. I've changed to the other side.
Firefly You're on the other side, eh? Then what are you doing over here?
Well, the food is better over here.
