Chicolini (to the lemonade vendor): Mister you no understand. Look, he's a spy and I'm a spy, he work-a for me. I want him to find out-a something, but he no find out what I wanna find out. Now how am I gonna find out what I wanna find out if he no find out what I gotta find out?
Rufus T. Firefly
Groucho Marx · 40 quotes
Chicolini
Chico Marx · 17 quotes
Mrs. Teasdale
Margaret Dumont · 9 quotes
Trentino
Louis Calhern · 8 quotes
Bob Roland
Zeppo Marx · 3 quotes
Prosecutor
Charles Middleton · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Rufus T. Firefly & Chicolini (11), Rufus T. Firefly & Mrs. Teasdale (7), Rufus T. Firefly & Trentino (5)
Duck Soup quotes
Page 1 of 4The government has been mismanaged. I will lend the money, but only on condition that His Excellency withdraw and place the government in new hands.
He's some smart dog. You know, he went with Admiral Byrd to the Pole.
I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.
Hello, boss!
Chicolini, I bet you eight-to-one we find you guilty.
At's-a no good; I can get ten-to-one at the barbershop.
Officer
Chicolini, you're charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.
I object.
Officer
[scoffs]
Oh, you object? On what grounds?
I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Officer
Your Excellency, you sustained the objection?!
Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say, either. Why don't you object?
I wouldn't go out there unless I had one of those big iron things that go up and down. What do you call those things?
Tanks.
You're welcome.
I wouldn't go out-a there even if I was-a in one o' those big things-a go up and down!
Tanks?
You're welcome.
And now members of the Cabinet, we'll take up old business.
Minister
I wish to discuss the tariff.
Sit down. That's new business. No old business? Very well. Then, we'll take up new business.
Minister
Now about that tariff.
Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.
Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?
I've done it already.
You've done what?
I've changed to the other side.
So, you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
Well, the food is better over here.
Chicolini, give me a number from one to ten.
Eleven.
Right.
Now I aska you one. What is it has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in the circus?
That's irrelevant.
Irr-elephant? Hey, that's the answer! There's a whole lotta irr-elephants in the circus.
Minister/Judge
That sort of testimony we can eliminate.
Thats-a fine. I'll take some.
Minister/Judge
You'll take what?
Eliminate. A nice, cool glass o' lemonade.
I can't give you wealth, but, uh, we can have a little family of our own.
Oh Rufus!
All I can offer you is a Rufus over your head.
Your Excellency. I really don't know what to say.
I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. [To Trentino] Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.
What?!
I'm sorry I said that. It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
Now listen here. I've got a swell job for you, but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions. Now, what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia and it never rains but it pours? [He chuckles, thinking he has baffled Chicolini]
That's-a good one. I give you three guesses.
Now, let me see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia...Is it male or female?
No, I don't think so.
Is he dead?
Who?
I don't know. I give up.
I give up too. Now, I ask you another one. What is it got big black-a moustache, smokes a big black cigar, and is a big pain in the neck?
Now, don't tell me. Has a big black moustache, smokes a big black cigar and is a big pain in the -
Uh -
Does he wear glasses?
Ats-a right. You guess it quick.
Just for that, you don't get the job I was gonna give you.
What job?
Secretary of War.
All right, I take it.
Sold!
Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have?
Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army.
Why should we have a standing army?
Because then we save money on chairs.
Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it?
General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda in a half a glass of water.
Oh, uh, I suppose you would think me a sentimental old fluff, but, uh, would you mind giving me lock of your hair?
A lock of my hair? Wh-why, I had no idea that you...
I'm letting you off easy: I was going to ask for the whole wig.
Take a letter.
Who to?
To my dentist.
Uh... Dear dentist, enclosed find check for $500, yours very truly. Send that off immediately.
I'll, um, I'll have to enclose a check first.
You do and I'll fire you.