Chico Marx movie quotes

View Quote Chicolini: I wouldn't go out-a there even if I was-a in one o' those big things-a go up and down!
Firefly: Tanks?
Chicolini: You're welcome.

View Quote Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have?
Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army.
Firefly: Why should we have a standing army?
Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.

View Quote Minister of Finance: Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.
Chicolini: Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes.
Minister of Finance: No, I'm talking about taxes - money, dollars.
Chicolini: "Dollahs!" There's-a where my uncle lives! "Dollahs", Taxes!
Minister of Finance: Aww!

View Quote Ravelli: How did you get to be Roscoe W. Chandler?
Chandler: Say, how did you get to be an Italian?
Ravelli: Never mind that, whose confession is this?

View Quote Spaulding: In a case like this, the first thing to do is to find the motive. Now what could have been the motive of the guys that swiped the Beaugard?
Ravelli: I got it. Robbery.
Spaulding: Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you?

View Quote Ravelli: I've got Ace-a spades. He’s got Ace-a spades! Ha ha ha ha ha! That's what you called quinsidenses.
Mrs. Rittenhouse: Two Aces of spades?
Ravelli: Yeah, he's got thousands of them.

View Quote If she wants a Hackenabuss, she's gonna get a Hackenabuss.

View Quote I dunno, but she wants a Hackenapuss, she gonna get a Hackenapuss.

View Quote [Tony enters, wearing a pitiful disguise] Tony: I'm O'Reilly, the house-detective.
Hackenbush: Don't talk so loud, your mustache will drop off.
Tony: Have you got a woman in here?
Hackenbush: If I haven't, I've wasted thirty minutes of valuable time.
Tony: Well, ya better get her out. This is the last time I'm goin' to tell ya.
Hackenbush: The last time? Can I depend on that?
Tony: Yes, because this time I'm goin' to stay here all night.

View Quote Baravelli: You sing high, huh?
Connie: Yes,I have a falsetto voice.
Baravelli: My grandmother, she's got a falsetto teeth.

View Quote Wagstaff: (enters a biology classroom) Have they started sawing a woman in half yet?
Biology professor: Why, Mr. President, this is indeed an honor! What brings you here?
Wagstaff: A bicycle, but I left it in the hallway. Do you have two empty dunce seats in here? 'Cause I got two empty-headed dunces in the hall. Come in, dunces! (Baravelli and Pinky enter) Here they are- ten cents a dunce. (Baravelli gives the professor an apple, Pinky gives him a watermelon) Now all you need is a bowl of cherries.
Biology teacher: Er- find yourselves a couple of seats. (Pinky and Baravelli sit down, kiss the girls on either side of them, accidentally kiss each other, start a fight, then sit down again) Now, let us go on with our lecture.
Wagstaff: I wish you'd go on without your lecture. (looking down a microscope)
Biology teacher:... What do you think of that slide?
Wagstaff: Well, I think he was safe at second, but it was very close.
Biology teacher: Now, let us examine the circulatory system. Here is the liver.
Wagstaff: What! No bacon! I'd send that back if I were you.
Biology teacher: The liver, if neglected, invariably leads to cirrhosis. Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis.
Baravelli: Sure. So roses are red. So violets are blue. So sugar is sweet. So so are you.
Wagstaff: I can't see him, but I bet I know who it is.
Biology teacher: For the protection of the heart, or cardium, Mother Nature has provided a sac, called the pericardium. Any questions?
Baravelli: Yes. When you gonna cut the watermelon open?
Wagstaff: Is this stuff on the level or are you just making it up as you go along? My feet are getting tired from this walk.
Biology teacher: Why, everything I told you can be found in the simplest text book on anatomy. I'm sure my students will bear me out.
Baravelli: (stands up) We'll bear you out!
[The teacher is borne out of the classroom into the corridor, literally, by Pinky and Baravelli, Pinky loudly honking his taxi horn]
Wagstaff: (to the students) Let that be a lesson to all of you: this school was here before you came, and it'll be here before you go. And that goes for you too, ya numbskull! (swats at a skull sitting on the professor's desk)
[Pinky and Baravelli re-enter the room; Pinky is on Baravelli's shoulders wearing the professor's robe, mortarboard and beard, still honking his taxi horn. They take their seats again as Wagstaff takes over the leccture] Wagstaff: Let us follow a corpuscle on its' journey. (suddenly grabs his bag and cap, heads for the door, then stops) Oh, my mistake, I thought I was a corpuscle. As you know, there is constant warfare between the red and white corpuscles. Now then, baboons, what is a corpuscle?
Baravelli: That's easy. First is-a captain, then is-a lieutenant, then is-a corpuscle.
Wagstaff: That's fine. Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? We now find ourselves among the Alps. The Alps are a very simple people living on a diet of rice and old shoes. Beyond the Alps lies more Alps and the Lord Alps those that Alps themselves. We then come to the bloodstream. The blood rushes from the head down to the feet, gets a look at those feet, and rushes back to the head again. This is known as auction pinochle. Now in studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your hearts beat. And if your hearts beat anything but diamonds and clubs, it's because your partner is cheating - or your wife...Now take this point for instance [He points to a horse's ass placed over an anatomy chart - a picture of Pinky's beloved horse that he placed there when Wagstaff wasn't looking] - That reminds me, I haven't seen my son all day. Well, the human body takes many strange forms. (removes the horse poster) Now here is a most unusual organ. The organ will play a solo immediately after the feature picture. Scientists make these deductions by examining a rat, or your landlord, who won't cut the rent. And what do they find? Asparagus! Now, on closer examination... [Pinky has now placed a picture of his ballerina beauty over Wagstaff's anatomy chart] Hmm! This needs closer examination. In fact, it needs a nightgown. Baravelli, who's responsible for this? Is this your picture?
Baravelli: I no think so. It doesn't look like me.
Wagstaff: Well, take it outta here immediately, and hang it up in my bedroom. Now then, out with it! Who did it? (Pinky stands up, a guilty look on his face) Oh, so you're the culprit! Young man, as you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends! (Pinky proves him wrong by pulling, from his pocket, a candle burning at both ends) Well, I was wrong- I knew there was something you couldn't burn at both ends, I thought it was a candle. However, you must be punished. Just for that, you stay after school! (points to a pretty girl next to Pinky)
Student: But Professor, I didn't do anything!
Wagstaff: (grins) I know, but there's no fun keeping him after school!

View Quote Baravelli: [at the speakeasy door] Who are you?
Wagstaff: I'm fine thanks, who are you?
Baravelli: I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.
Wagstaff: Well, what is the password?
Baravelli: Aw, no! You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.
Wagstaff: Is it Mary?
Baravelli: Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.
Wagstaff: She isn't, well, she drinks like one. Let me see. Is it sturgeon?
Baravelli: Hey you crazy! Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.
Wagstaff: I got it! Haddock!
Baravelli: That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.
Wagstaff: What do you take for a haddock?
Baravelli: Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a calomel.
Wagstaff: Say, I'd walk a mile for a calomel.
Baravelli: You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it.
[He slams the portal shut. Wagstaff knocks again, and Baravelli re-opens the portal] Baravelli: Hey, what-sa matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say 'swordfish.' Now I'll give you one more guess.
Wagstaff: [to himself] Swordfish, swordfish. [to Baravelli] I think I got it. Is it 'swordfish'?
Baravelli: Hah! That's-a it! You guess it!
Wagstaff: Pretty good, eh?
[When Baravelli opens the door and congratulates him, Wagstaff sneaks in the door and shuts it. Baravelli knocks and Wagstaff opens the portal]
Wagstaff: Whatta you want?
Baravelli: I wanna come in
Wagstaff: What's the password?
Baravelli: Ahh, you're no foolin' me. Swordfish.
Wagstaff: No, I got tired of that. I changed it. [shuts the portal]
Baravelli: [knocks on the portal again] What's the password now?
Wagstaff: Gee, I forgot it. I'd better come outside with you.
[exits and both are now locked out]