Gil [watching a horse]
Look at that! He cleared the automobile!
I wish I could clear mine.
Dr. Hackenbush
Groucho Marx · 22 quotes
Mrs. Upjohn
Margaret Dumont · 6 quotes
Tony
Chico Marx · 6 quotes
Whitmore
Leonard Ceeley · 5 quotes
Most scenes together: Dr. Hackenbush & Mrs. Upjohn (5), Dr. Hackenbush & Whitmore (5), Dr. Hackenbush & Tony (3)
A Day at the Races quotes
Page 1 of 2 Gil Stuffy! [He and Stuffy rush towards each other, as if in greeting, only for Stuffy to make a beeline for Tony's ice-cream cart; Tony slams the lid, forcing him away] Ey, that was-a some ride you put up! I had fifteen bucks, right on the nose... I won-a sixty cents. [Stuffy whistles] Yeah, who you ridin' tomorrow? [Stuffy frowns and shakes his head] What'samatta? [Stuffy lights a match] You're fired? Oh, Morgan fired you, eh? He wanted you to throw the race? [Stuffy nods]
Gil Stewart He wanted Stuffy to be crooked, eh?
Yeah, you know he's honest! [He sees Stuffy going for the cart again and slams it shut] He's honest, but you gotta watch him a little.
May I present to you, Dr. Leoplod X. Steinberg of Vienna. And this is Dr. Hackenbush.
Ah, doctor. I have a few questions I would like to ask you.
I would have a few questions I would like to ask you. Steinberg, what do you do with your old razorblades?
HUH!!?
I've been telling Dr. Steinberg about your unusual case.
Yes, and I would like to hear more about this ailment, "double blood pressure?" [looks scornfully at Hackenbush.]
Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.
Hah! There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.
You don't look like as though you ever met a healthy woman.
WHAT?!!
Flo I want you to hold me. Oh, hold me closer! Closer! Closer!
If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of ya!
Flo Why, I've never been so insulted in my life!
Gil Are you a man or a mouse?
If you put a piece of cheese♧ in there, you'll find out.
At the age of fifteen I got a job in a drugstore filling prescriptions.
Don't you have to be twenty-one to fill prescriptions?
Well, uh, that's for grown-ups. I just fill them for children.
No, no, Doctor. I mean, where did you get your training as a physician?
Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar.
Vassar? But that's a girls' college.
I found that out the third year. I'd 've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.
The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.
Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic-
Ah, and what happened?
I got the flu.
Here boy. Take these bags up to my room, and here's a dime for yourself.
Oh, no, no, no. This is Mr. Whitmore, our business manager.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Here's a quarter!
Record department. Col. Hawkins talkin'.
Col. Hawkins, did you get a wire for me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?
[turns on a fan and blows a paper against it]
I'm sorry sir. There's a hurricane blowin' down here, and you have to talk a little louder. Woo! It's certainly the windiest day we ever had! WOO! Certainly is windy!
I want to find out about Dr. HACKENBUSH! (Hackenbush calls him on the intercom, pulling him away from the phone) Yes?
Whitmore you'll have to cut out that squawking! The patients are all complaining! [on the phone, posing as Colonel Hawkins]...I hope, sir, that's the information that you require.
I'm sorry, Colonel. I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictagraph.
What was that you said sir?
[Hackenbush turns on the intercom again]
: Whitmore, one more yelp outta you and I'll have you bounced out of here! (on the phone)...And I trust, sir, that that answers your question.
I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear you!
I can't hear you, you will have to talk a little louder.
I want to find out something about Hackenbush! (Hackenbush calls him on the intercom again) Well, what is it now?!
Whitmore, that's the last time I'm gonna warn you about that yowling! (on the phone) And in conclusion, let me say…
I'm sorry Colonel. What was that you said about Hackenbush?
Hack- you mean, Dr. Hackenbush? Oh, no, he's not here.
Then what are you botherin' me for, Yankee?
But I want to know something about his Florida record-
Whitmmore
Operator, will you get off the line! Hello, hello, Colonel?
Yes?
Are you sure you're speaking about Hugo Z. Hackenbush?
Who?
Hugo Z. Hackenbush!
Who's calling him?
Yeah! That's where he works! Say, I understand he's doing a mighty fine job up there.
I... I want to get some information regarding his qualifications for the job.
What job?
As head of the sanitarium!
Who?
Hackenbush!
No, you sap! (picks up the phone)... Hello.
Yes, now, uh, now what was that name?
Hackenbush. HACK-EN-BUSH!
Uh-huh. Well, as soon as he comes in, I'll have him get in touch with you.
[examining Stuffy with an auriscope]
I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde.
Told you he was sick.
[pointing to Stuffy's neck]
That's all pure desecration along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%.
That's bad.
With a 1% mentality. [Stuffy grins] He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at.
Hey doc. Hey doc!
Huh?
You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself.
I knew it all the time. That was a good joke on all of us, wasn't it?
Judy Doctor, may I have one of your photographs?
Why I haven't one. I could let you have my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks!
Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.
There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.
You don't look like as though you ever met a healthy woman.
WHAT?!!
Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track!
I notice he wins all the time.
Aw, just because he comes in first.
Well, I don't want 'em any better than first.
…
Here your ice cream. [offering a hint book for betting on the horses] One dollar and you'll remember me all your life.
That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had. [buys code book]
Here your ice cream. Tootsie-frootsie ice cream. [code book says that horse Z-V-B-X-R-P-L will win the next race; Tony offers a free code book to decode the letters] …just a one dollar printing charge.
Well, uh, give me one without printing. I'm sick of printing.
…just a two dollar delivery charge.
What do you mean delivery charge? I'm standing right next to you.
Well, for such a short distance, I make it a dollar.
Couldn't I move over here and make it uh - fifty cents?
Yes, but I'd move over here and make it a dollar just the same.
[after realising he was swindled by Tony]
Get your Tootsie-Frootsie. Nice ice cream. Nice Tootsie-Frootsie ice cream.
May I present to you, Dr. Leoplod X. Steinberg of Vienna. And this is Dr. Hackenbush.
Ah, doctor. I have a few questions I would like to ask you.
I would have a few questions I would like to ask you. Steinberg, what do you do with your own razorblades?
HUH!!?
[Dr. Hackenbush hands a large pill to Mrs. Upjohn]
Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.
Oh, you've taken them before.
Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?
You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.
May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?
Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.