Chicolini quotes from Duck Soup (1933)

Trentino

Have you been trailing Firefly?

Chicolini

Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner, he's got a nose just like a bloodhound.

Trentino

Oh really?

Chicolini

Yeah, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.

Trentino

Oh! Now, Chicolini, I want a full detailed report of your investigation.

Chicolini

All right, I tell you. Monday we watch-a Firefly's house, but he no come out. He wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us. He no show up. Wednesday he go to the ball game, and we fool him. We no show up. Thursday was a double-header. Nobody show up. Friday it rained all day. There was no ball game, so we stayed home and we listened to it on-a the radio.

Trentino

Then you didn't shadow Firefly?

Chicolini

Oh, sure we shadow Firefly. We shadow him all day.

Trentino

But what day was that?

Chicolini

Shaderday. Hahaha! That's-a some joke, eh, Boss?

Firefly

Now listen here. I've got a swell job for you, but first I'll have to ask you a couple of important questions. Now, what is it that has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia and it never rains but it pours? [He chuckles, thinking he has baffled Chicolini]

Chicolini

That's-a good one. I give you three guesses.

Firefly

Now, let me see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia...Is it male or female?

Chicolini

No, I don't think so.

Firefly

Is he dead?

Chicolini

Who?

Firefly

I don't know. I give up.

Chicolini

I give up too. Now, I ask you another one. What is it got big black-a moustache, smokes a big black cigar, and is a big pain in the neck?

Firefly

Now, don't tell me. Has a big black moustache, smokes a big black cigar and is a big pain in the -

Chicolini

Uh -

Firefly

Does he wear glasses?

Chicolini

Ats-a right. You guess it quick.

Firefly

Just for that, you don't get the job I was gonna give you.

Chicolini

What job?

Firefly

Secretary of War.

Chicolini

All right, I take it.

Firefly

Sold!

Firefly

Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have?

Chicolini

Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army.

Firefly

Why should we have a standing army?

Chicolini

Because then we save money on chairs.

Mrs. Teasdale

I thought you left.
Chicolini (impersonating Firefly): Oh no. I don't leave.

Mrs. Teasdale

But I saw you with my own eyes.

Chicolini

Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

Prosecutor

Chicolini, you're charged with high treason. And if found guilty, you'll be shot.

Chicolini

I object.

Prosecutor

You object. On what grounds?

Chicolini

I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Firefly

Objection sustained.

Prosecutor

Your Excellency? You sustained the objection?

Firefly

Sure. I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?

Prosecutor

Chicolini, when were you born?

Chicolini

I don't remember. I was just a little baby.

Firefly

Chicolini, give me a number from one to ten.

Chicolini

Eleven.

Firefly

Right.

Chicolini

Now I aska you one. What is it has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in the circus?

Prosecutor

That's irrelevant.

Chicolini

Irr-elephant? Hey, that's the answer! There's a whole lotta irr-elephants in the circus.

That sort of testimony we can eliminate.

Chicolini

Thats-a fine. I'll take some.

You'll take what?

Chicolini

Eliminate. A nice, cool glass o' lemonade.

Prosecutor

Chicolini, isn't it true you sold Freedonia's secret war code and plans?

Sure, I sold a code and two pairs o' plans. Hahaha! 'At's-a some joke, eh boss?

Firefly

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth or eleven years in Twelveworth.

Chicolini

I tell you what I'll do. I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.

Something must be done! War would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.

Chicolini

Hey, I got an uncle lives in Taxes.

No, I'm talking about taxes - money, dollars.

Chicolini

"Dollahs!" There's-a where my uncle lives! "Dollahs", Taxes!

Aww!

Trentino

There's a machine-gun nest near hill twenty-eight. I want it cleaned out.

Chicolini

All right. I'll tell the janitor.

Chicolini

I wouldn't go out-a there even if I was-a in one o' those big things-a go up and down!

Firefly

Tanks?

Chicolini

You're welcome.

Firefly

Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?

Chicolini

I've done it already.

Firefly

You've done what?

Chicolini

I've changed to the other side.

Firefly

So, you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?

Chicolini

Well, the food is better over here.

Chicolini

He's some smart dog. You know, he went with Admiral Byrd to the Pole.

Firefly

I'll bet the dog got to the pole first.

I'll teach you to kick me!

Chicolini

You don't have to teach me—I know how! [kicks him]

Oh, for heaven's sake, don't make a sound. If you found, you lost.

Chicolini

Oh, you crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?

Chicolini

Hello, boss!

Firefly

Chicolini, I bet you eight-to-one we find you guilty.

Chicolini

At's-a no good; I can get ten-to-one at the barbershop.

Chicolini, you're charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.

Chicolini

I object.

Oh, you object? On what grounds?

Chicolini

I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Firefly

Objection sustained.

Your Excellency, you sustained the objection?!

Firefly

Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say, either. Why don't you object?

Chicolini

I wouldn't go out there unless I had one of those big iron things that go up and down. What do you call those things?

Firefly

Tanks.

Chicolini

You're welcome.

Firefly

You're the Secretary of War. Why don't you do something?

Chicolini

I've done it already. I've changed to the other side.

Firefly

You're on the other side, eh? Then what are you doing over here?

Chicolini

Well, the food is better over here.