Ravelli quotes from Animal Crackers (1930)

Spaulding

What do you fellas get an hour?

Ravelli

For playing, we get-a ten dollars an hour.

Spaulding

I see. What do you get for not playing?

Ravelli

Twelve dollars an hour.

Spaulding

Well, clip me off a piece of that.

Ravelli

Now for rehearsing, we make special rate. That's-a fifteen dollars an hour...That's-a for rehearsing.

Spaulding

And what do you get for not rehearsing?

Ravelli

You couldn't afford it. You see, if we don't rehearse, we a-don't play, and if we don't play [he snaps his finger] - that runs into money.

Spaulding

How much would you want to run into an open manhole?

Ravelli

Just-a the cover charge! Ha, ha, ha.

Spaulding

Well, drop in some time.

Ravelli

Sewer.

Spaulding

Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.

Ravelli

Well, let's see how-a we stand.

Spaulding

Flat-footed.

Ravelli

Yesterday, we didn't come. [To Mrs. Rittenhouse] You remember, yesterday we didn't come?

Spaulding

Oh, I remember.

Ravelli

Yes, that's three hundred dollars.

Spaulding

Yesterday, you didn't come, that's three hundred dollars?

Ravelli

Yes, three hundred dollars.

Spaulding

Well, that's reasonable. I can see that alright.

Ravelli

Now today, we did come. That's-a [pause]..

Spaulding

That's a hundred you owe us.

Ravelli

Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal. Tomorrow we leave. That's worth about...

Spaulding

One million dollars.

Ravelli: How did you get to be Roscoe W. Chandler?

Chandler

Say, how did you get to be an Italian?

Ravelli

Never mind that, whose confession is this?

Spaulding

In a case like this, the first thing to do is to find the motive. Now what could have been the motive of the guys that swiped the Beaugard?

Ravelli

I got it. Robbery.

Spaulding

Would you mind going out and crossing the boulevard when the lights are against you?

Ravelli

I gotta-a an idea how to find-a this painting. In a case like this that is so mysterious, you gotta-a get-a the clues. You gotta-a use-a the Sherlock-a Holmes method...You say to yourself, 'What happened?' And the answer come back...'Something was stolen.' Then, you-a say to yourself, 'What was stolen?' And the answer come back: 'A painting.'

Spaulding

What are you, a ventriloquist?

Ravelli

Now you say to yourself, 'Where was this painting stolen?' And the answer come back: 'In this house.' Now so far, I'm-a right, eh?

Spaulding

Well, it's pretty hard to be wrong if you keep answering yourself all the time.

Ravelli

Now you go a little further and you say to yourself, 'Who stole the painting?' This is a very, very important question. Captain, if you got-a the answer, you got-a the solution to the whole thing.

Spaulding

Especially if you find the picture.

Ravelli

Now you take all-a the clues. You put 'em together. What do ya got, eh?

Spaulding

Bread pudding?

Ravelli

Here's what-a we got. Something was stolen. Stolen where? In-a this house. Stolen by who? 'Somebody in the house.' Now to find the painting, all you got to do is go to everybody in the house and ask 'em if they took it.

Spaulding

You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters. You say you're gonna go to everybody in the house and ask them if they took the painting. Suppose nobody in the house took the painting?

Ravelli

Go to the house next door.

Spaulding

That's great. Suppose there isn't any house next door?

Ravelli

Well, then of course, we gotta build one.

Spaulding

Well now you're talkin'. What kind of a house do you think we ought to put up?

Ravelli

Well, I tell ya. Captain. You see, my idea of a house is something nice, and a-small, and comfortable.

Spaulding

That's the way I feel about it. I don't want anything elaborate. Just a little place that I can call home and tell the wife I won't be there for dinner.

Ravelli

I see, you just want a telephone booth.

Ravelli

Now, what do you say, uh, what do you say, Captain, we build right about here.

Spaulding

Here?

Ravelli

Here, right about here. [pointing to a spot on the table]

Spaulding

Oh, I'd like something over here if I could get it. I don't like Junior crossing the tracks on his way to the reform school. I don't like Junior at all, as a matter of fact.

Ravelli

All right, all right. We got something over there. And believe me, that's a-convenient. Oh, that's a-very convenient. Well look, all you gotta do is open the door, step outside, and there you are.

Spaulding

There you are?

Ravelli

Yeah.

Spaulding

There you are where?

Ravelli

Outside.

Spaulding

But suppose you want to get back in again?

Ravelli

You had no right to go out.

Spaulding

Well, don't do anything until I hear from you, will ya? Say, maybe that's the painting down in the cellar.

Ravelli

That's a-no cellar. That's the roof!

Spaulding

That's the roof down there?

Ravelli

Yeah, you see, we keep-a the roof in the basement, so when the rain come, the chimney don't get wet.

Ravelli

Hey, Captain. It come to me like a flash! This painting wasn't stolen. Ha! You know what happened? This painting, Captain, disappeared, and yes, it disappeared. And you know what make it disappear? You'll never guess, Captain. What do you think-a make-a this painting disappear, huh? Moths! Moths eat it...Left-handed moths.

Spaulding

Go away. Go away. I'll be all right in a minute. Left-handed moths ate the painting, eh?

Ravelli

Yeah, it's a-my own solution.

Spaulding

I wish you were in it. Left-handed moths ate the painting. You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I thought it wouldn't open.

Ravelli

Hey, I got pair-a shoes.

Spaulding

Come on, let's go down and get the reward. We solved it, you solved it. The credit is all yours. The painting was eaten by a left-handed moth.

Ravelli

Hey, you know, we did a good day's work.

Spaulding

How do you feel - tired? Maybe you ought to lie down for a couple of years, eh? Why don't you just lie down so rigor mortis sets in. Look, Ravelli, I'll show ya how to get the painting. We'll go to court, and we'll get out a writ of habeas corpus.

Ravelli

You're gonna get rid-a what?

Spaulding

Oh, I should never have started that way, I can see that.

You'd better come with me, young fellow!

Spaulding

Don't take him away, Officer! He returned the paintings. [the Professor shakes Spaulding's hand] Pardon me, my name is Spaulding, and I've always wanted to meet you.

...All right. I'll let him go this time. [the Professor shakes his hand] But I want to give you some advice: you're running around with the wrong kind of people! Do you want to be a crook? [the Professor grins and nods, startling Hennesy; Ravelli and Spaulding both roll their eyes] Now, why don't you go home?

Ravelli

He's got no home.

Go home for a few nights, and stay home. [the Professor nods, removing his left hand from his belt and letting it hang, Hennessy claps him on the right shoulder gently] Don't you know your poor old mother sits there-

Sits there, night af- [more silverware] Night after night. [more silverware] Waiting to hear your steps on the stairs.

Ravelli

He's got no stairs.

And I can see a little light, burn- [more silverware] Burning in the window.

Spaulding

No you can't, the gas company turned it off.

Now, what I'm telling you is for your own good- [more silverware] And if you listen to me- [more silverware] You can't go wrong- [he is cut off completely by a crash as a particularly large bunch of silverware hits the floor]

Spaulding

This may go on for years.

Now, there's just one th- [He is once again cut off by the silverware]

Spaulding

I can't understand what's delaying that coffeepot. [the Professor shifts his arm, and a coffeepot falls out of his sleeve] Where's the cream?

Well, you've certainly surprised me!

Spaulding

Me too; I thought he had more than that!

Ravelli

I've got Ace-a spades. He’s got Ace-a spades! Ha ha ha ha ha! That's what you called quinsidenses.

Two Aces of spades?

Ravelli

Yeah, he's got thousands of them.

Spaulding

When you get near a song, play it.

Ravelli

I think I went past it.

Spaulding

When you come around again, jump off.

Ravelli

I once kept this up for three days.