3rd most-quoted character in Animal Crackers (1930): in 8 of its 38 quotes
Most scenes with: Captain Spaulding (6), Jamison (2)
I wish you'd get Johnny Parker out of your mind and show more respect to Mr. Chandler. The trouble with you is, you don't take these social affairs seriously.
What would you suggest, Mom? Suicide?
Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer!
Did someone call me schnorrer?
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
He went into the jungle where all the monkeys throw nuts.
If I stay here, I'll go nuts.
Hooray, hooray, hooray! He put all his reliance / In courage and defiance / And risked his life for science.
Hey, hey!
He is the only white man who covered every acre...
I think I'll try and make her...
Hooray, hooray, hooray!
I'm fascinated.
I'm 'fascinated' too. Right on the arm.
Here I am talkin' of parties. I came down here for a party. What happens? Nothing. Not even ice cream. The gods looked down and laughed. This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach. [to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead] Well, what do you say, girls? What do you say? Are we all gonna get married?
All of us?
All of us!
But that's bigamy!
Yes, and that's big-a-me, too...It's big of all of us. Let's be big for a change. I'm sick of these conventional marriages! One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather. Think, think of the honeymoon, strictly private. I wouldn't let another woman in on this. Well, maybe one or two but no men. I may not go myself.
Are you suggesting companionate marriage?
Well, it's got its advantages. You could live with your folks and I could live with your folks. [To Mrs. Whitehead] And you, you could sell Fuller Brushes.
Africa is God's country, and He can have it. Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 2nd. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa. We at once proceeded three hundred miles into the heart of the jungle, where I shot a polar bear. This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on...
Pardon me. Just a moment, Captain, just a moment. I always thought that polar bears lived in the frozen North.
Oh you did! Well, this bear was anemic and he couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and he could afford to go away for the winter. You take care of your animals and I'll take care of mine. Frozen North, my eye! From the day of our arrival, we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, and back in bed at seven - this was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six thirty. One morning, I was sitting in front of the cabin, smoking some meat.
Smoking some meat?
Yes. There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers.
Oh, Captain!
Six of the biggest tigers...
Captain, did you catch six tigers?
I bagged them. I...I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I've ever seen. The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks and Knights of Pythias. Of course, you all know what a moose is. That's big game. The first day, I shot two bucks. That was the biggest game we had. As I say, you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese, and is chased by the cats. The Elks, on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're looking for is an Elk-o-hole. One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks...but they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tusk-a-loosa. But, uh, that's entirely irrelephant to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed, but we're going back again in a couple of weeks.
Bolded portion is ranked #53 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.
Captain, this leaves me speechless.
Well, see that you remain that way.
You've left out a Hungadunga! You've left out the main one, too. Thought you could slip one over on me, didn't you, eh? All right, leave it out and put in a windshield wiper instead. I tell you what you do, Jamison. I tell you what. Make it, uh, make it three windshield wipers and one Hungadunga. They won't all be there when the letter arrives, anyhow.
"Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga...and McCormack."
"...and McCormack."
"Gentlemen, question mark."
"Gentlemen, Question Mark!!" Put it on the penultimate, not on the dipthonic. You want to brush up on your Greek, Jamison. Well, get a Greek and brush up on him!
"In re yours of the fifteenth."
I see.
Now, uh, you said a lot of things here that I didn't think were important, so I just omitted them.
Well!... [Spaulding swings at his head and misses] Whoa, Captain! Good gracious! Oh, my!
So...you just omitted them, eh? ...You just omitted the body of the letter, that's all. You've just left out the body of the letter, that's all! Yours not to reason why, Jamison! You've left out the body of the letter!...All right, send it that way and tell them the body'll follow.
Do you want the body in brackets?
No, it will never get there in brackets. Put it in a box. Put it in a box and mark it 'fragilly'.
Mark it what?
Mark it 'fragilly.' F - R - A - G...Look it up, Jamison. It's in the dictionary. Look under 'fragile'. Look under the table if you don't find it there.
"Quotes, unquotes, and quotes."
That's three quotes?
Yes, sir.
Add another quote and make it a gallon. How much is it a gallon, Jamison?
Regards.
Regards. That's a fine letter, Jamison, that's an epic. That's dandy. Now, I want you to make two carbon copies of that letter and throw the original away. And when you get through with that, throw the carbon copies away. Just send a stamp, airmail, that's all. You may go, Jamison. I may go too.
I've got Ace-a spades. He’s got Ace-a spades! Ha ha ha ha ha! That's what you called quinsidenses.
Two Aces of spades?
Yeah, he's got thousands of them.
