Otis B. Driftwood [to Mrs. Claypool]
Don't you see, you'll be a patron of the opera. You'll get into society. Then, you can marry me and they'll kick you out of society, and all you've lost is $200,000.
Most-quoted character in A Night at the Opera (1935): in 23 of its 27 quotes
Most scenes with: Fiorello (7), Henderson (4), Mrs. Claypool (4)
Can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?
More lines from Otis B. Driftwood
5 quotes Otis B. Driftwood Otis B. Driftwood [to Gottlieb]
I saw Mrs. Claypool first. Of course, her mother really saw her first but there's no point in bringing the Civil War into this.
Otis B. Driftwood Ladies and Gentlemen. I guess that takes in most of you. This is the opening of a new opera season, a season made possible by the generous checks of Mrs. Claypool. [Applause] I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's checks will probably come back in the morning. Tonight marks the American debut of Rodolfo Lassparri. [Applause] Senor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well known bass singer. And his father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda, thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time. And now on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons and necking in the parlor.
Otis B. Driftwood [tearing up some papers]
Let's cut this short. We're going to City Hall, and the Mayor is going to make another speech. We can tear up the Mayor's speech when we get there.
Otis B. Driftwood They're famous as aviators, but you notice they're traveling by boat.
Scenes with Otis B. Driftwood
17 scenes
I've been sitting right here since 7 o'clock.
Driftwood Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
Mr. Driftwood, three months ago you promised to put me into society. In all that time, you've done nothing but draw a very handsome salary.
Driftwood You think that's nothing, huh? How many men do you suppose are drawing a handsome salary nowadays? Why, you can count them on the fingers of one hand, my good woman.
I'm not your good woman!
Driftwood Don't say that, Mrs. Claypool. I don't care what your past has been. To me, you'll always be my good woman. Because I love you. There. I didn't mean to tell you, but you...you dragged it out of me. I love you.
It's rather difficult to believe that when I find you dining with another woman.
Driftwood That woman? Do you know why I sat with her? Because she reminded me of you.
Really?
Driftwood Of course, that's why I'm sitting here with you. Because you remind me of you. Your eyes, your throat, your lips! Everything about you reminds me of you. Except you. How do you account for that? If she figures that one out, she's good.
Mr. Driftwood. I think we'd better keep everything on a business basis.
Driftwood How do you like that? Every time I get romantic with you, you want to talk business. I don't know, there's something about me that brings out the business in every woman.
Driftwood You see that spaghetti? Now, behind that spaghetti is none other than Herman Gottlieb, director of the New York Opera Company. Do you follow me?
Yes.
Driftwood Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested!
Gottlieb If you pardon my saying so, Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Driftwood seems hardly the person to handle your business affairs?
I'm beginning to think the same thing.
Driftwood Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Well, I made it. How soon does the curtain go up?
Gottlieb The curtain, Mr. Driftwood, will go up again next season.
You've missed the entire opera.
Driftwood Well, I only missed it by a few minutes. Then, I can go then, huh?
Gottlieb Mrs. Claypool, was I right? Isn't Lassparri the greatest tenor that ever lived?
He's superb. What would you have to pay him?
Gottlieb What's the difference? He must sail with us tomorrow no matter how much we pay him. Why, he wouldn't be worth $1,000 a night.
Driftwood How much?
Gottlieb $1,000 a night.
Driftwood A thousand dollars a nacht? What does he do?
Gottlieb What's he do? He sings!
Driftwood So, you're willing to pay him $1,000 a night just by singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. For a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie.
Gottlieb If you'll excuse me, Mrs. Claypool, I think I had better arrange to see Lassparri immediately. You are agreed-- $1,000 a night?
Just as you think.
Driftwood [To himself]
Thousand dollars a night? There must be something I have to get a piece of this? [To Gottlieb] Wait a minute! Why don't I sign Lassparri? I represent Mrs. Claypool.
Gottlieb But, I represent the New York Opera Company. My boy? Will you give my card to signor Lassparri, please?
Driftwood Now, here are the contracts. You put his name at the top and uh... you sign at the bottom. There's no need of you reading that because these are duplicates.
Yeah, these are duplicates. [Fiorello looking at the contract] Duplicates, huh?
Driftwood I say they are duplicates!
Sure. These are duplicates.
Driftwood Don't you know what duplicates are?
Sure. There's five kids up in Canada.
Driftwood Well, I wouldn't know about that. I haven't been in Canada in years.
Rosa?
Yes, signore?
My good friend Herman Gottlieb is coming back to see me. How would you like to have supper with us?
I'm terribly sorry, signor Lassparri. I already have an engagement.
Oh, I see. Well, that's too bad because I have an idea that he's going to invite me to sing in New York. And uh... He may permit me to select my leading lady. Are you sure you can't break your appointment?
I'm terribly sorry, signor.
[Rosa went away from Lassparri with Riccardo with her. Tomasso made a little happy tune with his flute and drums. Then Lassparri aggressively picked him up angrily]
What do you mean by humiliate me in front of all those people!? You're fired!! Do you understand!!? YOU'RE FIRED!!
Driftwood Hey, you big bully. What's the idea of hitting that little bully?
In a count of letting me handle my own affairs!? [Lassparri pushing Tomasso] GET OUT!! [To Driftwood] Now, what do you have to say to me?
Driftwood Just this, can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas? [Driftwood taking one of the clown buttons off of him]
Why you--
[Before Lassparri was going to punch Driftwood, Tomasso came back and bashed Lassparri on the head with a large hammer]
Driftwood Could he sail tomorrow?
You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday. How much you pay him?
Driftwood Well, I don't know... [muttering to himself] Let's see, a thousand dollars a night... I'm entitled to a small profit... How about ten dollars a night?
Ten? Ten dolla— ha ha ha ha ha! I'll take it...
Driftwood All right, but remember, I get 10% for negotiating the deal.
Yes, and I get 10% for being the manager. How much does that leave him?
Driftwood That leaves him— uh, $8.00.
Eight dollars, huh? Well, he sends a five dollars home to his mother...
Driftwood Well, that leaves him $3.00.
Can he live in New York on $3.00?
Driftwood Like a prince. Of course he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince. However, out of that $3.00, you know, he'll have to pay an income tax...
Ah, there's income tax...
Driftwood ...there's a federal tax, and a state tax, and a city tax, and a street tax, and a sewer tax.
How much does this come to?
Driftwood Well, I figure if he doesn't sing too often, he can break even.
All right, we take it.
Driftwood Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
No, that's no good.
Driftwood What's the matter with it?
I dunno. Let's hear it again.
Driftwood It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
That sounds a little better this time.
Driftwood Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Er... just the first part.
Driftwood What do you mean? The... the party of the first part?
No, the first part of the party of the first part.
Driftwood All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Well, I don't know about that...
Driftwood Now what's the matter?
I no like-a the second party, either.
Driftwood Well, you shoulda come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days!
Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?
Driftwood Oh, that? Oh, that's the usual clause that's in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.
Well, I don't know...
Driftwood It's all right. That's, that's in every contract. That's, that's what they call a sanity clause.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!
Gottlieb Could you tell me where Lassparri is?
Sure. There's Lassparri.
Gottlieb LASSPARRI!!
Driftwood Lassparri? Then, whom did I sign?
You signed Riccardo Baroni. That's my man.
Gottlieb Signor Lassparri, what happened! Speak to me! It's me! It's Gottlieb! It's me! It's Gottlieb!
Gottlieb [While Gottlieb was trying to revive Lassparri, Tomasso once again bashed Lassparri on the head with a heavy sack]
Oh! What is this now!?
Driftwood How early is the fruit is falling this season?
Hey, I think these fellows are phonies!
Driftwood What's that you say?
You heard me.
Driftwood Did you hear what he said? He said you boys are imposters and you absolutely don't belong here at all.
Did he say that about us? I've never been so insulted!
Driftwood [to the Mayor]
Do you hear what they say? They say they've never been so insulted in their life and they absolutely refuse to stay here!
Mayor No, no, please. He didn't mean it. Tell them he didn't mean it.
Driftwood [confers with the aviators]
Of course, you know this means war!
Mayor [to Henderson]
Now see what you've done!
You remember me. I'm Henderson, plain-clothesman.
Driftwood You look more like an old-clothes man to me.
Oh! A wise guy, huh? Nice place.
Driftwood Well, it's comfortable.
You live here all alone?
Driftwood Yes. Just me and my memories. I'm practically a hermit.
Oh. A hermit. I notice the table's set for four.
Driftwood That's nothing; my alarm clock is set for eight. That doesn't prove a thing.
What's a hermit doing with four beds?
Driftwood Well, you see those first three beds?
Yes.
Driftwood Last night I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have another bed to sleep in. You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you?
Who are you talking to?
Driftwood I was talking to myself, and there's nothing you can do about it, I've had three of the best doctors in the East.
Well, I certainly heard somebody say something.
Driftwood Oh, it's sheer folly on your part.
What's this?
Driftwood Why, that's a fire escape. And, uh, that's a table, and this is a room, and there's the door leading out, and I wish you'd use it, I... I vant to be alone!
You'll be alone when I throw you in jail.
Driftwood Isn't there a song like that, Henderson...?
What became of that fourth bed?
Driftwood What are you referring to, Colonel?
The last time I was in this room, there were four beds here!
Driftwood Please! I'm not interested in your private life, Henderson.
Oh-h-h. [He barges into the living room] Say! What's that bed doing here?
Driftwood I don't see it doing anything.
There's something funny goin' on around here, but I'll get to the bottom of it. [going back to the bedroom] Hey, you!
Driftwood Coming!
Am I crazy, or are there only two beds here?
Driftwood Now, which question do you want me to answer first, Henderson?
[after being booed by the audience and pelted with fruit]
Never in my life have I received such treatment. They threw an apple at me.
Driftwood Well. Watermelons are out of season.
Porter [After inserting Driftwood's large steamer trunk in his very small room]
Is there anything else sir?
Driftwood Yes, tomorrow you can take the trunk out and I'll go in.
Driftwood Steward? Steward! Stu!
Steward
Yes, sir?
Driftwood I say, Stu?
Steward
Yes, sir?
Driftwood What've we got for dinner?
Steward
Anything you like, sir! [pulls out his pad] You might have some tomato juice, orange juice, grape juice, pineapple juice-
Driftwood Hey, turn off the juice before I get electrocuted! [the steward looks bewildered] Alright, let me have one of each. [the steward starts writing it down] And, uh, two fried eggs, two scrambled eggs, two poached eggs, and two medium-boiled eggs.
Driftwood ...And two hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso honks his horn in his sleep] Make that three hard-boiled eggs. And, uh, some roast beef- rare, medium, well-done, and overdone. [the steward looks bewildered again]
And two hard-boiled eggs.
Driftwood ...And two hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso honks] Make that three hard-boiled eggs. And, uh, eight pieces of French pastry.
With two hard-boiled eggs.
Driftwood ... And two hard-boiled eggs [Tomasso honks] Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso honks again, briefly]... And one duck egg. Uh, have you got any stewed prunes?
Steward
Yes, sir!
Driftwood Well, give 'em some black coffee, that'll sober 'em up. [the steward looks bewildered again]
And two hard-boiled eggs!
Driftwood ...And two hard-boiled eggs- [he is cut off by a long series of honks, causing him to roll his eyes] It's either foggy out, or make that twelve more hard-boiled eggs. And steward, rush that along, because the faster it comes, the faster this convention'll be over.
Steward
Yes, sir.
Driftwood Do they allow tipping on the boat?
Steward
Oh, yes sir!
Driftwood Have you got two fives?
Steward
Yes, sir! [reaches in his pocket]
Driftwood Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you. [he re-enters his cabin as the steward leaves, looking put out] Well, that's fine. As long as that steward is deaf and dumb, he'll never know you're in here. [there is a knock at the door] Yes?
Maid
We've come to make up your room.
Are those my hard-boiled eggs?
Driftwood I can't tell until they get in the room. Come in girls, and leave all hope behind!
