Fiorello Friends...how we happened to come to America is a great story. But I don't tell that. When we first started out, we got-a no idea you give us this-a grand reception. We donna deserve it. And when I say we donna deserve it, believe me, I know what I'm a-talkin' about...So now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time we started, we get-a halfway across when we run out-a gasoline and we gotta go back. Then I take-a twice as much gasoline. This time we-a just about to land - maybe three feet - when whaddya think? We run out-a gasoline again and a-back we go again to get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty gas. Well, we get-a halfway over when what-a you think-a happened? We forgot-a the aeroplane. So we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I get-a a great idea. We no take-a gasoline. We no take-a the aeroplane. We take a steamship. And that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean.
Now, here are the contracts. You put his name at the top and uh... you sign at the bottom. There's no need of you reading that because these are duplicates.
Fiorello Yeah, these are duplicates. [Fiorello looking at the contract] Duplicates, huh?
I say they are duplicates!
Fiorello Sure. These are duplicates.
Don't you know what duplicates are?
Fiorello Sure. There's five kids up in Canada.
Well, I wouldn't know about that. I haven't been in Canada in years.
Fiorello You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday. How much you pay him?
Well, I don't know... [muttering to himself] Let's see, a thousand dollars a night... I'm entitled to a small profit... How about ten dollars a night?
Fiorello Ten? Ten dolla— ha ha ha ha ha! I'll take it...
All right, but remember, I get 10% for negotiating the deal.
Fiorello Yes, and I get 10% for being the manager. How much does that leave him?
That leaves him— uh, $8.00.
Fiorello Eight dollars, huh? Well, he sends a five dollars home to his mother...
Well, that leaves him $3.00.
Fiorello Can he live in New York on $3.00?
Like a prince. Of course he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince. However, out of that $3.00, you know, he'll have to pay an income tax...
Fiorello Ah, there's income tax...
...there's a federal tax, and a state tax, and a city tax, and a street tax, and a sewer tax.
Fiorello How much does this come to?
Well, I figure if he doesn't sing too often, he can break even.
Fiorello All right, we take it.
Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello No, that's no good.
What's the matter with it?
Fiorello I dunno. Let's hear it again.
It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Fiorello That sounds a little better this time.
Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello Er... just the first part.
What do you mean? The... the party of the first part?
Fiorello No, the first part of the party of the first part.
All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Fiorello Well, I don't know about that...
Fiorello I no like-a the second party, either.
Well, you shoulda come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days!
Fiorello Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?
Oh, that? Oh, that's the usual clause that's in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.
Fiorello Well, I don't know...
It's all right. That's, that's in every contract. That's, that's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!
Gottlieb Could you tell me where Lassparri is?
Fiorello Sure. There's Lassparri.
Gottlieb LASSPARRI!!
Lassparri? Then, whom did I sign?
Fiorello You signed Riccardo Baroni. That's my man.
Gottlieb Signor Lassparri, what happened! Speak to me! It's me! It's Gottlieb! It's me! It's Gottlieb!
Gottlieb [While Gottlieb was trying to revive Lassparri, Tomasso once again bashed Lassparri on the head with a heavy sack]
Oh! What is this now!?
How early is the fruit is falling this season?
Hey, I think these fellows are phonies!
Did you hear what he said? He said you boys are imposters and you absolutely don't belong here at all.
Fiorello Did he say that about us? I've never been so insulted!
[to the Mayor]
Do you hear what they say? They say they've never been so insulted in their life and they absolutely refuse to stay here!
Mayor No, no, please. He didn't mean it. Tell them he didn't mean it.
[confers with the aviators]
Of course, you know this means war!
Mayor [to Henderson]
Now see what you've done!
What've we got for dinner?
S Steward
Anything you like, sir! [pulls out his pad] You might have some tomato juice, orange juice, grape juice, pineapple juice-
Hey, turn off the juice before I get electrocuted! [the steward looks bewildered] Alright, let me have one of each. [the steward starts writing it down] And, uh, two fried eggs, two scrambled eggs, two poached eggs, and two medium-boiled eggs.
Fiorello [inside the room]
And two hard-boiled eggs.
...And two hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso honks his horn in his sleep] Make that three hard-boiled eggs. And, uh, some roast beef- rare, medium, well-done, and overdone. [the steward looks bewildered again]
Fiorello And two hard-boiled eggs.
...And two hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso honks] Make that three hard-boiled eggs. And, uh, eight pieces of French pastry.
Fiorello With two hard-boiled eggs.
... And two hard-boiled eggs [Tomasso honks] Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [Tomasso honks again, briefly]... And one duck egg. Uh, have you got any stewed prunes?
Well, give 'em some black coffee, that'll sober 'em up. [the steward looks bewildered again]
Fiorello And two hard-boiled eggs!
...And two hard-boiled eggs- [he is cut off by a long series of honks, causing him to roll his eyes] It's either foggy out, or make that twelve more hard-boiled eggs. And steward, rush that along, because the faster it comes, the faster this convention'll be over.
Do they allow tipping on the boat?
S Steward
Yes, sir! [reaches in his pocket]
Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you. [he re-enters his cabin as the steward leaves, looking put out] Well, that's fine. As long as that steward is deaf and dumb, he'll never know you're in here. [there is a knock at the door] Yes?
M Maid
We've come to make up your room.
Fiorello Are those my hard-boiled eggs?
I can't tell until they get in the room. Come in girls, and leave all hope behind!
