At the age of fifteen I got a job in a drugstore filling prescriptions.
Whitmore Don't you have to be twenty-one to fill prescriptions?
Well, uh, that's for grown-ups. I just fill them for children.
Whitmore No, no, Doctor. I mean, where did you get your training as a physician?
Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar.
Vassar? But that's a girls' college.
I found that out the third year. I'd 've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.
Whitmore The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.
Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic-
Whitmore Ah, and what happened?
Whitmore [Dr. Hackenbush hands a large pill to Mrs. Upjohn]
Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.
Oh, you've taken them before.
Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?
You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.
Whitmore May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?
Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.
Record department. Col. Hawkins talkin'.
Whitmore Col. Hawkins, did you get a wire for me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?
[turns on a fan and blows a paper against it]
I'm sorry sir. There's a hurricane blowin' down here, and you have to talk a little louder. Woo! It's certainly the windiest day we ever had! WOO! Certainly is windy!
Whitmore I want to find out about Dr. HACKENBUSH! (Hackenbush calls him on the intercom, pulling him away from the phone) Yes?
Whitmore you'll have to cut out that squawking! The patients are all complaining! [on the phone, posing as Colonel Hawkins]...I hope, sir, that's the information that you require.
Whitmore I'm sorry, Colonel. I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictagraph.
What was that you said sir?
Whitmore [loudly]
I was called to the dictagraph!
[Hackenbush turns on the intercom again]
: Whitmore, one more yelp outta you and I'll have you bounced out of here! (on the phone)...And I trust, sir, that that answers your question.
Whitmore I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear you!
I can't hear you, you will have to talk a little louder.
Whitmore I want to find out something about Hackenbush! (Hackenbush calls him on the intercom again) Well, what is it now?!
Whitmore, that's the last time I'm gonna warn you about that yowling! (on the phone) And in conclusion, let me say…
Whitmore I'm sorry Colonel. What was that you said about Hackenbush?
Hack- you mean, Dr. Hackenbush? Oh, no, he's not here.
Whitmore (with mounting impatience)
I know he's not there. He's here!
Then what are you botherin' me for, Yankee?
Whitmore But I want to know something about his Florida record-
(in a female telephone operator's voice)
Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore-
W Whitmmore
Operator, will you get off the line! Hello, hello, Colonel?
Whitmore Are you sure you're speaking about Hugo Z. Hackenbush?
Whitmore Hugo Z. Hackenbush!
Whitmore (barely controlling his temper)
...The Standish Sanitarium.
Yeah! That's where he works! Say, I understand he's doing a mighty fine job up there.
Whitmore I... I want to get some information regarding his qualifications for the job.
Whitmore As head of the sanitarium!
Whitmore Hackenbush!
[on the intercom]
Whitmore, are you calling me?
Whitmore No, you sap! (picks up the phone)... Hello.
Yes, now, uh, now what was that name?
Whitmore Hackenbush. HACK-EN-BUSH!
Uh-huh. Well, as soon as he comes in, I'll have him get in touch with you.
Whitmore [slamming down the phone]
No!
Whitmore May I present to you, Dr. Leoplod X. Steinberg of Vienna. And this is Dr. Hackenbush.
Ah, doctor. I have a few questions I would like to ask you.
I would have a few questions I would like to ask you. Steinberg, what do you do with your old razorblades?
Whitmore I've been telling Dr. Steinberg about your unusual case.
Yes, and I would like to hear more about this ailment, "double blood pressure?" [looks scornfully at Hackenbush.]
Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.
Hah! There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.
You don't look like as though you ever met a healthy woman.
