Tommy [after seeing Gorgeous George throw an elbow and headbutt a punching bag]
Is he allowed to do that?
It's an unlicensed boxing match, Tommy. It's not a tickling competition. These lads are out to hurt each other.
Played by Stephen Graham 
Snatch (2000) · 129 quotes
Snatch (2000) · 129 quotes
7th most-quoted character in Snatch (2000): in 16 of its 129 quotes
Most scenes with: Turkish (12), Mickey (4), Gorgeous George (2)
Scenes with Tommy
16 scenes Tommy [referring to their caravan/office]
It's not good enough, Tommy. I want another one. And I want you to buy it for me.
Tommy Why me?
'Cause you know about caravans.
Tommy How's that then?
You spent a summer in one, which mean's you know more than me. Here's ten grand, and it would be nice to see change. [turns towards caravan]
Tommy What's wrong with this one?
[pulls caravan door off trying to open it]
Oh, nothing Tommy. It's tip-top. Its just I'm not sure about the colour.
**** me, hold tight. What's that?
Tommy It's me belt, Turkish.
No, Tommy. There's a gun in your trousers. What's a gun doing in your trousers?
Tommy It's for protection.
Protection from what? "Zee Germans"? What's to stop it from blowing your bollocks off every time you sit down?
[In a pig farm, Brick Top is negotiating with Turkish while feeding the corpses to the pigs] [narrating]
If you got to deal with him, just gotta make sure you don't end up owing him. 'Cause then you're in his debt. Which means, you're in his pocket. And once you're in there, you ain't ever coming out.
I hear he's a good fighter, so I'm gonna use him. I'll be doing you a favour, boy.
[narrating]
What he means is, I'm doing him a favour. 'Cause everybody knows nobody takes a dive in my fights, unlike his.
Here, Errol. I don't think he likes me. You don't like me, do you, boy?
Don't know what you mean.
I'd like my fights to finish prompt so we can get the punters out before the authorities find out. Now play your cards right and I'll sort you out.
[narrating]
You can sort me out by showing me out. It's hard enough to make a living in a boxing world, so every now and then you gotta do something that might not agree with your principles. Basically, you have to forget you got any.
Tommy Are they Lancashire pigs?
Who the ****'s talking to you, boy?
Now don't let me down. You don't want to let me down, do you, boy?
It's a campsite. A Pikey campsite.
Tommy Ten points.
What're we doin' here?
Tommy Buying a caravan.
Off a pack of ****in' pikeys?! What's wrong with you! This will get messy!
Tommy Not if you're here.
Oh, you bastard! I ****in' hate pikeys!
Pikey kid
Thats a flash car, mister!
Tommy No as flash as your bike though, is it?
Pikey kid
Who're you looking for?
Tommy Mr O'neill.
Pikey kid
Do you want me to go and get him?
Tommy That's a good lad.
Tommy [The kid still hasn't left]
Are you gonna get him for me?
Pikey kid
Yeah.
Tommy What are you waiting for?
Pikey kid
The five quid you gonna pay me.
Tommy Well **** off. I'll find him meself.
Pikey kid
Two-fifty!
Tommy You can have a quid.
Pikey kid
Well you're a real tight ****er, arentcha?
What're ya doin' here? Get out of the way, man. [babbling and speaking quickly]
You Tommy? Come about the caravan?
Tommy Mr. O'neill.
****, man. Call me Mickey.
Tommy How are ya?
Weather's been kind, [starts babbling].
[Gorgeous George gets out of the car]
**** me! Would you just look the size of him? How big are ya? Hey kids, how big is he?
Pikey kid
Big enough man, fo sure.
Hey Mam, come and look at the size of this fella. Bet you can box a lil' can't ya, sir. Ahh, you look lak a boxer.
Mrs O'neill
Get outta the way, Mickey. See if these fellas'd like a drink.
Tommy Oh, I could murder one.
Mrs O'neill
Be no more murdering don' 'round ere, I don't mind telling ya.
Mrs O'neill
[Gorgeous George not coming inside with them]
Is the big fella not coming with us?
Tommy Nah, he's minding the car.
Mrs O'neill
What's he think we are? Thieves?
Tommy No, nothing like that, Mrs O'neill. He just likes...looking after cars.
Good dags. D'ya like dags?
Tommy Dags?
Dags. Ya like dags?
Mrs. O'Neil
Yeah, dags.
Tommy Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like caravans more.
[After the wheels have fallen off the caravan that Tommy and George have just bought from Mickey]
The deal was you bought it like you saw it. Hey, look, I've helped you as much as I'm going to help you. See that car? Just use it, for you're not welcome anymore. You should **** off now while you still got the legs to carry you.
Nobody...
Nobody brings a fella the size of you unless they're trying to say something without talking, right?
Tommy Sorry, Mickey. Just give our money back and you can keep the caravan.
Why the **** do I want a caravan that's got no **** wheels? You want to settle this with a fight?
Mrs. O'Neil
Over my dead body! Now, go on! Go on! I'll not have you fighting, Mickey! You know what happens when you fight.
Get her to sit down. [Turns to face Gorgeous George] For ****'s sake! Want the money? I ain't **** you. I'll fight you for it. You and me.
Tommy Who took the jam outta your doughnut?
You took the **** jam outta my doughnut, Tommy. You did.
I'll tell ya what. I'll do it for a caravan.
For what?
Pikeys
For a caravan.
Tommy It was us who wanted a caravan.
Tommy [looking around]
Anyway, what's wrong with this one?
It's not for me. It's for me ma.
Your what?
Pikeys
His ma.
Tommy You said get a good deal.
I fail to recognise the correlation between losing 10 grand, hospitalising Gorgeous, and a good deal. How are we gonna explain this to Brick Top? That his fight isn't gonna happen?
Tommy We replace the fighter.
Oh, and hope he doesn't notice? And who the **** are we gonna replace him with?
Tommy What about John The Gun? Or, Mad Fist Willy?
You're not exactly Mr Current Affairs, are you, Tommy? Mad Fist went mad, [a quick, split second shot of Mad Fist Willy going mad]and The Gun, shot himself [quick, split second shot of John The Gun shooting himself in the head]
Tommy What's coursing?
Hare coursing. They set two lurchers - they're dogs, before you ask. On a hare. And the hare has to outrun the dogs.
Tommy So, what if it doesn't?
Well the big rabbit gets ****, doesn't it.
Tommy [pauses and thinks]
Proper ****?
Yeah, Tommy. Before "Zee Germans" get there.
[Later, to Mickey]
Tommy [After losing the bet to the pikeys]
Who's proper **** now, then?
Tommy [Next scene]
There's something very wrong about this. It was us who wanted to buy a caravan off of him.
Well, why didn't you "bust a cap in his ass" then, Tommy? Mind you, you'd do more damage if you threw it at him.
Tommy What, you sayin' I can't shoot?
No Tommy, I wasn't saying you can't shoot. I know you can't shoot. What we're saying is that six pound piece of shit stuck in your pants would do more damage if you fed it to him.
Tommy You saying the gun dont work?
You've tried it?
Tommy I wanna see that sneaky **** Russian.
Tommy You shouldn't drink that stuff anyway.[looking at the milk Turkish is drinking]
Why, what's wrong with it?
Tommy It's not in sync with evolution.
Shut up.
Tommy Cows have only been domesticated for the last eight thousand years. Before that, they were running around mad as lorries. The human digestive system hasn't got used to dairy products yet.
Well **** me Tommy. What have you been reading?
Tommy Let me do you a favour. [takes the milk off Turkish's hand and throws it out the window and it hits a car behind them followed by screeching tires and a loud crash]
Both
[Look at each other]
Whoops.
Tommy Shouldn't think that a good idea. Should we go in?
I don't wanna go in there. He's a dangerous bastard. Taken too many disco biscuits in the heat of Russian disputations. He's got as many of these nuts [grabbing his nuts] as he has those nuts. [pointing to his head]
Tommy I don't care if he's got **** hazelnuts. I want a gun that works and I'm gonna tell him.
[Acts surprised about Tommy's confidence]
My God, Tommy. You certainly got those minerals. Well, come on then. Before "Zee Germans" get here. You just tell him who's in charge.
Tommy [Boris comes from behind, covered in blood]
Err, Boris.
[Boris comes out from the House with the gun] [in Russian]
..со мной? Ну что будете теперь делать? Что? (...With me? So what are you going to do now? Huh?)
