Turkish Not many people are named after a plane crash.
Played by Jason Statham 
Snatch (2000) · 129 quotes
Snatch (2000) · 129 quotes
Most-quoted character in Snatch (2000): in 40 of its 129 quotes
Most scenes with: Tommy (12), Brick Top (5), Mickey (5)
That's Doug The Head. Everybody knows Doug The Head. If it's stones and it's stolen, he's the man to speak to. Pretends he's Jewish. Wishes he was Jewish. Even tells his family they're Jewish, but he's about as Jewish as he is a **** monkey. He thinks it's good for business. And in a diamond business, it is good for business.
More lines from Turkish
13 quotes Turkish Turkish [Voiceover]
This is Tommy. He tells people he's named after a gun, but I know he's named after a famous 19th century ballet dancer.
Turkish Hurry up Tommy, before zee Germans get here.
Turkish I fail to recognise the correlation between "losing 10K", "hospitalising Gorgeous" and "a good deal".
Turkish Now, I know he looks like a fat ****er... well, he is a fat ****er... but he's dirty and he's dangerous.
Turkish [Voiceover]
Boris 'the Blade', or Boris 'the Bullet Dodger'. As bent as the Soviet sickle, and as hard as the hammer that crosses it. Apparently, it's just impossible to kill the bastard.
Turkish You show me how to control a wild **** gypsy and I'll show you how to control an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster.
Turkish Ever crossed the road and looked the wrong way? and hey presto a car's nearly on ya, so what do you do? You freeze. And your life doesn't flash before your eyes, 'cause you're too ****in' scared to think - you just freeze, and pull a stupid face. The pikey didn't - why? Because he had plans on running the car over.
Turkish It had previously occurred to me that the pikey had taken the demise of his mother rather lightly. For every action, there is a reaction. And a Pikey reaction... is quite a **** thing.
Turkish Tommy persuaded me to keep the dog; I eventually agreed, as long as he took it to a vet. Couldn't stand that squeaking anymore. The vet found a squeaky toy, an undigested shoe, and an eighty-six carat diamond lodged in the dog's stomach. Lot can happen in a week. :[The dog barks] Still didn't shut it up, though.
Turkish As it turns out the sweet talking tatoo sporting pikey was a Gypsy bareknuckle boxing champion, which makes him harder than a coffin nail.
Turkish You took the **** jam out of my doughnut Tommy! You did!
Turkish Now … we are ****.
Scenes with Turkish
26 scenes
[Tommy is buying a gun from Boris]
Heavy is good, heavy is reliable. If it doesn't work, you can always hit 'em with it.
Turkish [narrating]
Boris The Blade. Or Boris The Bullet-Dodger. Bent as the Soviet sickle and hard as the hammer that crosses it. Apparently, it's just impossible to kill the bastard.
[after seeing Gorgeous George throw an elbow and headbutt a punching bag]
Is he allowed to do that?
Turkish It's an unlicensed boxing match, Tommy. It's not a tickling competition. These lads are out to hurt each other.
Turkish [referring to their caravan/office]
It's not good enough, Tommy. I want another one. And I want you to buy it for me.
Why me?
Turkish 'Cause you know about caravans.
How's that then?
Turkish You spent a summer in one, which mean's you know more than me. Here's ten grand, and it would be nice to see change. [turns towards caravan]
What's wrong with this one?
Turkish [pulls caravan door off trying to open it]
Oh, nothing Tommy. It's tip-top. Its just I'm not sure about the colour.
Turkish What's happening with them sausages, Charlie?
Sausage Charlie
Five minutes, Turkish.
Turkish [Stares at Charlie in disbelief]
Hang on, it was two minutes, five minutes ago.
Turkish **** me, hold tight. What's that?
It's me belt, Turkish.
Turkish No, Tommy. There's a gun in your trousers. What's a gun doing in your trousers?
It's for protection.
Turkish Protection from what? "Zee Germans"? What's to stop it from blowing your bollocks off every time you sit down?
Pull your tongue out of my arsehole, Gary. Dogs do that. You're not a dog are ya Gary?
Gary
No, no I'm not.
However, you have all the characteristics of a dog, Gary... All except loyalty.
Turkish [Errol zaps Gary] [Narrating]
It's rumored that Brick Top's favorite means of dispatch involves a stun gun, a plastic bag, a roll of tape, and a pack of hungry pigs.
You're a ruthless little **** Liam. I'll give ya that. But I got no time for grassers. Feed 'em to the pigs Errol... [turns to face the boxers in the ring] What the **** are you two looking at?
Turkish [In a pig farm, Brick Top is negotiating with Turkish while feeding the corpses to the pigs] [narrating]
If you got to deal with him, just gotta make sure you don't end up owing him. 'Cause then you're in his debt. Which means, you're in his pocket. And once you're in there, you ain't ever coming out.
I hear he's a good fighter, so I'm gonna use him. I'll be doing you a favour, boy.
Turkish [narrating]
What he means is, I'm doing him a favour. 'Cause everybody knows nobody takes a dive in my fights, unlike his.
Here, Errol. I don't think he likes me. You don't like me, do you, boy?
Turkish Don't know what you mean.
Turkish [narrating]
I do know I can't wait to get out of here. **** me, it stinks.
I'd like my fights to finish prompt so we can get the punters out before the authorities find out. Now play your cards right and I'll sort you out.
Turkish [narrating]
You can sort me out by showing me out. It's hard enough to make a living in a boxing world, so every now and then you gotta do something that might not agree with your principles. Basically, you have to forget you got any.
Are they Lancashire pigs?
Who the ****'s talking to you, boy?
Turkish [narrating]
Oh yeah, Tommy. Brick Top loves Tommy.
Now don't let me down. You don't want to let me down, do you, boy?
Turkish [pause]
See you ringside.
Turkish [narrating]
Now there was a problem with pikies or gypsies...
What're ya doin' here? Get out of the way, man. [babbling and speaking quickly]
Turkish [narrating]
...you can't really understand much of what's being said.
You Tommy? Come about the caravan?
Mr. O'neill.
****, man. Call me Mickey.
Turkish [narrating]
He's not Irish, he's not English...
How are ya?
Weather's been kind, [starts babbling].
Turkish [narrating]
He just well, ya know, he's just Pikey.
[Gorgeous George gets out of the car]
**** me! Would you just look the size of him? How big are ya? Hey kids, how big is he?
Pikey kid
Big enough man, fo sure.
Hey Mam, come and look at the size of this fella. Bet you can box a lil' can't ya, sir. Ahh, you look lak a boxer.
Mrs O'neill
Get outta the way, Mickey. See if these fellas'd like a drink.
Oh, I could murder one.
Mrs O'neill
Be no more murdering don' 'round ere, I don't mind telling ya.
Mrs O'neill
[Gorgeous George not coming inside with them]
Is the big fella not coming with us?
Nah, he's minding the car.
Mrs O'neill
What's he think we are? Thieves?
No, nothing like that, Mrs O'neill. He just likes...looking after cars.
Get back down or you will not be coming up next time.
You're not going anywhere, you thick lump.
Turkish [Mickey kisses his good luck charm. George throws a punch. Mickey dodges, knocks out George with a clean punch to the jaw] [narrating]
It turned out that the sweet-talking, tattoo-sporting pikey was a gypsy bare-knuckle boxing champion. Which makes him harder than a coffin nail. Right now that's the last thing on Tommy's mind. If Gorgeous doesn't wake up in the next few minutes Tommy knows he'll be buried with him. Why would the gypsies go through the trouble explaining why a man died in their campsite? Not when they can bury the pair of them and just move camp. It's not like they got social security numbers, is it? Tommy, 'The Tit', is praying. And if he isn't... he **** should be.
Who took the jam outta your doughnut?
Turkish You took the **** jam outta my doughnut, Tommy. You did.
I'll tell ya what. I'll do it for a caravan.
Turkish For what?
Pikeys
For a caravan.
It was us who wanted a caravan.
It's not for me. It's for me ma.
Turkish Your what?
Pikeys
His ma.
Turkish We've lost Gorgeous George.
Turkish We've lost Gorgeous George.
Well where'd ya lose him? He's ain't a set of car keys, is he? It's not as if he's incon-****-spicuous, now is it?
You said get a good deal.
Turkish I fail to recognise the correlation between losing 10 grand, hospitalising Gorgeous, and a good deal. How are we gonna explain this to Brick Top? That his fight isn't gonna happen?
We replace the fighter.
Turkish Oh, and hope he doesn't notice? And who the **** are we gonna replace him with?
What about John The Gun? Or, Mad Fist Willy?
Turkish You're not exactly Mr Current Affairs, are you, Tommy? Mad Fist went mad, [a quick, split second shot of Mad Fist Willy going mad]and The Gun, shot himself [quick, split second shot of John The Gun shooting himself in the head]
Turkish What brings you two here? Run out of pants to sniff?
That sounds like hostility, doesn't it, John?
John And we don't like hostility, do we, Errol?
No, we don't, John.
Turkish You take sugar?
No thank you, Turkish; I'm sweet enough.
I've got a bare-knuckle fight in a couple of days, I wanna use the pikey.
Turkish All right, of course.
Of course **** of course. I wasn't asking, I was telling.
What's coursing?
Turkish Hare coursing. They set two lurchers - they're dogs, before you ask. On a hare. And the hare has to outrun the dogs.
So, what if it doesn't?
Turkish Well the big rabbit gets ****, doesn't it.
Turkish Yeah, Tommy. Before "Zee Germans" get there.
[Later, to Mickey]
Turkish Well, do you want to do it?
That depends.
Turkish On what?
On you buying this caravan. Ah, not the rouge one, the rose.
Turkish It's not the same caravan.
It's not the same fight.
Turkish It's twice the **** size of the last one.
The fight is twice the size. And me ma still needs a caravan. I like to look after me ma. It's a fair deal. Take it.
Turkish Mickey, you're lucky we aren't worm food after your last performance. Buying a tart's mobile palace is a little **** rich.
Turkish [Realizes his mistake as the gypsies stare threateningly at him]
I wasn't calling your mum a tart. I just meant...
Save your breath for cooling your porridge. Hey, look... [incoherently] Ah - deh sah-sez-fren-forcher, and dah scar-her-cushons, wit dah matsen-seck-way-Core-Ver.
[Turkish and Tommy look at each other with confusion]
Right. And she's terribly partial to the periwinkle blue. Have I made myself clear, lads?
Turkish Yeah, that's perfectly clear, Mickey, yeah. Just give me one minute to confer with my colleague.
Turkish [Turns to Tommy]
Did you understand a single word of what he just said?
Turkish OK, I reckon the hare gets ****.
What? Proper ****? [laughs all round]
[Next scene]
There's something very wrong about this. It was us who wanted to buy a caravan off of him.
Turkish Well, why didn't you "bust a cap in his ass" then, Tommy? Mind you, you'd do more damage if you threw it at him.
What, you sayin' I can't shoot?
Turkish No Tommy, I wasn't saying you can't shoot. I know you can't shoot. What we're saying is that six pound piece of shit stuck in your pants would do more damage if you fed it to him.
You saying the gun dont work?
Turkish You've tried it?
Turkish [Next scene--Tommy tries to shoot out of the window, but the gun doesn't work]
Whoops.
I wanna see that sneaky **** Russian.
You shouldn't drink that stuff anyway.[looking at the milk Turkish is drinking]
Turkish Why, what's wrong with it?
It's not in sync with evolution.
Turkish Shut up.
Cows have only been domesticated for the last eight thousand years. Before that, they were running around mad as lorries. The human digestive system hasn't got used to dairy products yet.
Turkish Well **** me Tommy. What have you been reading?
Let me do you a favour. [takes the milk off Turkish's hand and throws it out the window and it hits a car behind them followed by screeching tires and a loud crash]
Both
[Look at each other]
Whoops.
Turkish [in front of Boris' house]
He's left the door open.
Shouldn't think that a good idea. Should we go in?
Turkish I don't wanna go in there. He's a dangerous bastard. Taken too many disco biscuits in the heat of Russian disputations. He's got as many of these nuts [grabbing his nuts] as he has those nuts. [pointing to his head]
I don't care if he's got **** hazelnuts. I want a gun that works and I'm gonna tell him.
Turkish [Acts surprised about Tommy's confidence]
My God, Tommy. You certainly got those minerals. Well, come on then. Before "Zee Germans" get here. You just tell him who's in charge.
Turkish [Boris punches Tommy in the nuts]
You certainly told him, Tommy.
[Boris comes out from the House with the gun] [in Russian]
..со мной? Ну что будете теперь делать? Что? (...With me? So what are you going to do now? Huh?)
****face, who's speaking to you? He asked him, didn't he?
Turkish ****face... I like that one Errol. I'll have to remember that one next time I'm climbing off yer mum.
[At the deserted campsite, Turkish and Tommy are cornered by the police]
What you doin' here?
Turkish What's it to you?
Turkish [As Turkish and Tommy try to think of an explanation, the dog appears at the campsite at that very moment]
Just taking the dog for a walk. What's the problem?
What's in the car?
Turkish Seats and a steering wheel.
Turkish I know they're not to be trusted.
Turkish [Last lines]
So, what you think? [Shrugs] Know anyone who'd be interested?
[The camera turns, revealing that they have been sitting in Doug The Head's office all along]
I might.
[Picks up the phone; the movie ends with the sequence of shots indicating Avi's flight]
