Shaun [Repeated line about Phillip.]
He's not my dad.
Most-quoted character in Shaun of the Dead (2004): in 59 of its 104 quotes
Most scenes with: Ed (25), Liz (15), David (7)
As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "i" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team... I don't know what he's talking about.
More lines from Shaun
14 quotes Shaun Shaun [repeated line.]
That was the second album I ever bought!
Shaun Ohh, for God's sake! He's got an arm off!
Shaun How's that for a slice of fried gold?
Shaun [coming across zombified Pete]
Ah! Sorry, Pete, sorry... listen, we're gonna borrow your car, okay, hope you don't mind and - ah - later on, if you're feeling better, w-we're going down to the pub, so you're m-more than welcome to, to... [whispered] join us.
Shaun What's the matter, David? Never taken a shortcut before? (This line would be repeated in Hot Fuzz)
Shaun [distracting a zombie horde.]
Come and get it! It's a running buffet! All you can eat!
Shaun Would anyone like... a peanut?
Shaun [As zombified Pete is biting Ed]
Pete! I said, "Leave him alone!" [Shoots and kills zombified Pete.]
Shaun [After Ed tells Shaun "Hey Shaun, look who it is" as zombified Pete walks into the Winchester]
****-A-Doodle-Doo
Shaun [Response to David.]
GET ****, FOUR-EYES!
Shaun (after Ed gives him a beer)
Thanks Babe.
Shaun [When about to attack a zombified John]
Okay, John. It's time at the bar!
Shaun [When Ed says he's sorry and Shaun smells his farts]
Oh my god, that is rotten!
Scenes with Shaun
44 scenes
[Opening lines; Shaun and Liz are sitting in the pub, drinking.]
Shaun – d'you see what I'm saying?
Shaun Yeah, totally.
I mean, I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.
Shaun I know...
It's not that I don't like Ed. Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
[Cut to reveal that Ed is actually standing next to them, playing the pub's "Ooh Ah Dracula" fruit machine]
It's alright.
It's just that with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out, and then that only exacerbates things.
Shaun What you mean?
Well, you guys hardly get on, do you?
Shaun No, I mean, what does 'exacerbate' mean?
Um, it means to make things worse.
Shaun, what I'm trying to say is, I need something a little more, rather than spending every night in the Winchester. I wanna get out there and do more interesting stuff, I wanna live a little, and I want you to want to want to do it too! [Groans] Listen to me, I'm beginning to sound like your mum – not that I know what she sounds like.
You still haven't met his mum?!
Shaun [To David]
Not yet!
Don't you get along with your mum, Shaun?
Shaun No, it's not that I don't get on with her-
Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?
Shaun No! I love my mum!
Yeah, I love his mum.
Shaun Ed.
Shaun Ed!
Shaun!
Shaun [To David & Di]
Guys-
Shaun.
Shaun Liz! Look, I understand what you're trying to say, OK, and I agree. We should get out there. We'll start tomorrow, alright? I'll book a restaurant, you know, the place that does all the fish? Just the two of us. Things will change, promise.
Shaun I know, man...
I'm saying it was Ed.
Shaun [Shaun is trying to make up with Liz.]
Let's go out somewhere.
What, to the Winchester?
Shaun [Laughs, then]
Do you want to?
No, I don't **** want to!!
You, hang out with my friends? A failed actress and a twat?
Shaun Well, that's a bit harsh.
Your words, Shaun!
Shaun I did NOT call Diane a failed actress!
You promised you'd quit smoking when I did!
Shaun Well...
You promised you'd start going to the gym!
Shaun I...
You promised you'd try red wine instead of beer!
Shaun Eh...
You promised we'd go on holiday together!
Shaun Well, we went to Greece, didn't we?
We met in Greece!
At a rave.
You promised things would change.
You promised you'd get us free cable.
Shaun I'm working on that!
Okay.
Shaun & Ed
[drunk, singing.]
Doo doo doo doo. Base. White Lines, Visions dreams of passion, goin' thru my mind, and all the while I think of you!
[Shaun & Ed see two people holding each other with the woman vigourously 'kissing' the man.]
What's wrong haven't you had your tea?
Shaun & Ed
[Ed & Shaun laugh.] [The man in the backgound's neck goes limp as the woman eats his neck.] [resume singing.]
Something of a phenomenon baby, telling my body to come along. White Lines, Blow away! Shhh!
Shaun & Ed
[Shaun body slams Ed.]
Ah, get higher baby, Ah, get higher baby, Ah, get higher girl! Ahh!
Zombie
[groans loudly.]
Shaun & Ed
[scoffs]
Daba daba daba daba daba!
Zombie
[groans]
Shaun & Ed
Daba daba daba daba daba!
Zombie
[groans softer]
Shaun What's he doing? He should say bass.
Or freeze.
Shaun & Ed
What a tit.
What's going on, Shaun?
Shaun [on the phone trying to reach emergency services without any luck]
Shit. It's engaged.
How about an ambulance?
Shaun It's engaged, Ed.
Shaun [exasperated]
It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What'd you want a fire engine for, anyway?
Anything with flashing lights, you know?
Shaun They still out there?
[Ed pulls back the curtains, revealing two zombies scratching at the window] [shuts curtains, steps away contemplatively]
Yeah. What you think we should do?
Shaun Have a sit down?
Shaun [Shaun and Ed attempt to confront two zombies using Shaun's vinyl LPs as improvised throwing weapons]
Now, some of these are limited-
Shaun [Ed throws the first record from the box, which misses and shatters on the wall of the house]
Woah woah woah, what was that!?
I think it was Blue Monday.
Shaun Man, that was an original pressing!
For ****'s sake.
[Looking through Shaun's LP collection for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]
Purple Rain?
Shaun No.
Sign o' the Times?
Shaun Definitely not.
The Batman soundtrack?
Shaun Throw it.
Shaun Throw it.
Shaun No.
Second Coming?
Shaun I like it.
Ah! Sade.
Shaun But that's Liz's.
Yeah, but she did dump you. [Throws it]
Shaun **** this. I'm going to the shed.
I thought you said it was locked.
Shaun [Crashes through the shed door]
Any zombies out there?
Shaun Don't say that!
What?
Shaun That!
What?
Shaun That!! The "z" word. Don't say it!
Why not?
Shaun Because it's ridiculous!
Alright... are there any, though?
Shaun [looking out the door mail slot, sees an empty street]
I don't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. [turns his head, sees a pack of zombies] Oh, no, wait, there they are.
Shaun [About Ed]
He's not my boyfriend!
Shaun Thanks babe. [winks]
Big Al says so.
Shaun Yeah, but Big Al also says dogs can't look up!
Shaun If you get cornered...
Shaun [Hits himself on head with cricket bat]
...bash 'em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.
Shaun Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me?
Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with
Shaun Mum, he chased me round the garden with a bit of wood!
Well you did call him a you-know-what!
Shaun Oh, what, did he tell you that?
Yes he did.
Shaun Mother****er!
Shaun!
Shaun Sorry mother--mum, mum, did you know that on several occasions... he touched me?
Shaun [long pause as Barbara turns to glare at Shaun]
That wasn't true. Made it up, shouldn't have done that, sorry.
Shaun [After he kills a zombie, while Ed and David just idly stand there]
Feel free to step in at any time!
You did alright.
Didn't want to cramp your style.
Shaun What?!
Shaun Everybody stay where you are, I'm going to check and see if the coast is clear.
Is it clear?
Shaun ...No.
How many?
Shaun Lots. [Camera pans up to reveal dozens of zombies staggering around The Winchester pub.]
(After Shaun has defeated a zombie with a rifle without firing it)
Why didn't you just shoot him?
Shaun For the last time Ed, it's not...
Shaun [Shaun removes the dart imbedded in his skull]
Okay. But dogs CAN look up!
Shaun Phillip, have you still got the child-locks on?
Safety first, Shaun.
[After Liz has broken up with Shaun; "If You Leave Me Now" by Chicago, comes on the juke box] [glaring at the juke box]
Who the hell put this on?
Shaun [With tears in his eyes]
It's on random.
For ****'s sake... John, yes please, mate.
Shaun [After 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen comes on the pub jukebox, thus attracting zombies]
Who the hell put this on?!
It's on random!
For ****'s sake!
Shaun [Shaun and Ed back up to the body of a man they've just hit with the car; Shaun rolls down his window]
Excuse me... are you all right?
Aw, come on, why can't we just go?
Shaun We've got to be sure. Hello?
He's going to be dead either way!
Shaun Ed, that's not the point!
Shaun [The body rises and moans, zombified, at Shaun and Ed]
Oh, thank God for that.
Shaun [smugly.]
What's the matter, David? Haven't you ever taken a shortcut?
[Shaun and Ed pull up to Barbara's house and sees Phil's Jaguar in the driveway]
Oh! Hello! Who's a pretty boy, then? [Whistles] You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those.
Shaun Yeah, well, it's Phillip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me round the garden with a bit of wood.
****. It's gorgeous.
...
Shaun [later exiting the house with Barbara and Phillip]
Where’s the car?
Hmmm...I pranged it. [Moves to reveal wrecked car]
Shaun You were parked.
Yeah. Guess we’ll have to take the Jag.
Shaun Yes, Phillip, I got him to turn it down.
Being a father... it's not easy.
Shaun What?
You were 12 when I met you, already grown up so much. I just wanted you to be strong and not give up because you lost your dad.
Shaun Phillip, you don't have to explain...
No, no, I do... I always loved you, Shaun. And I always thought you had it in you to do well. You just need...m-motivation. Somebody to look up to and...I thought it could be me. Would you just... take care of your mum? There's a good boy.
[Phillip dies]
Shaun David, kill the Queen!
What?
Shaun The jukebox!
[After Shaun gets shouted at by Liz] [Smugly]
Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun.
Shaun Get ****, four eyes! Why don't you go out with her, you love her so much?
What do you mean by that?
[Shaun rolls his eyes and storms off; David and Diane stand next to each other uncomfortably]
Well, I don't know what he meant by that.
Shaun Hang on, I'll check to see if the coast is clear. [climbs the ladder of a child's slide; after checking over the fence for a moment, he comes back down] .......
Well... is it clear?
Shaun No.
How many?
Shaun Lots.
Shaun [Shaun is waiting impatiently through a busy signal on the cordless]
Come On!!!!
Ain't you gonna thank me, then?
Shaun For what?
Tidyin' up.
Shaun [looks about]
It doesn't look that tidy.
[peering at the coffee table, as though the beer cans were the only thing he missed]
Well, I had a few beers when I finished.
Do you want your messages?
Shaun What?
Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
Shaun What?
Yvonne [Repeated exchange]
Shaun! How are you doing?
Shaun Surviving.
Shaun All right, I've got a car outside, but it's going to be a bit cramped, so has anyone got transport?
Ooo, yes.
Shaun Great, where?
Oh, no. Well, I passed my test.
Shaun [David points a gun at the newly deceased Barbara, An enraged Shaun breaks a bottle & holds it to David's neck]
DON'T POINT THAT **** GUN AT MY MUM!!!
Shaun, calm down!
Ed, don’t exacerbate things!
What does that mean?
This isn’t exactly fair!
Here.
[Ed gives his broken bottle to Di, who points it at Shaun. Ed goes to the bar.]
Thank you.
[Ed returns with a corkscrew, which he points at David's neck.]
Shaun [There is a girl standing in Shaun's garden, back to Shaun and Ed]
Excuse me?
Shaun [No response]
Excuse me?
Shaun [No response]
Hellew?
Shaun [Girl turns round, a zombie]
Oh, my God... she's so drunk! [laughs]
Shaun It's OK.
No, I'm sorry, Shaun.
Shaun What?
Shaun [Smells Ed's fart]
Oh, God, that's rotten!
I'll stop doing it when you stop laughing!
Shaun I'm not laughing!
Shaun I do not find it hard to keep my social life and my work life separate.
Worker
Shaun, it's Liz for you.
[Hands him the phone]
How many shells have we got left?
Shaun Um...two. I suppose we could, you know, take a few of them out if they stand in a line.
I wasn't thinking about them.
Shaun I know.
Shaun [Pause]
What about Ed? There's only two shells.
I don't mind being eaten.
Shaun How're we gonna do this?
Um...I don't know. Um...One of us has to go first.
Shaun Well, m-m-maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves.
Oh, maybe you should do me. I'll only muck it up if I have to do myself.
Shaun [Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then shooting himself]
You know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same evening.
What makes you think I'm taking you back?
Shaun Well, you don't want to die single, do you?
Actually, I would like to be shot.
Goodbye, Ed. Love you.
Cheers!
Shaun I love you too, Ed.
Gaaayy!
See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.
Shaun Oh, don't, man.
No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with cliches. But what I will say is this...
[Shaun has just discovered the zombies have returned and has a horrified look on his face. Dianne is going through TV channels]
Liz? Erm... Have you got a quid?
Erm... [fumbles in her pocket and finds a pound coin] Yeah. [She hands it to him and he goes to the slot machine. Dianne continues changing channels]
Shaun [nervously]
I think we might have a bit of a problem.
What do you mean?
Shaun [glancing at the rattling door and whispering]
They followed me.
I thought you said you gave them the slip.
Shaun Yeah...
[whispering]
Well, we'll just have to be extra quiet then, won't we? [a panicked look suddenly comes over her face as she remembers Ed is using the slot machine]
Shaun What?
[The music on the slot machine plays to signal Ed's win] Ed: Hey! I won!
Shaun and Liz
[simultaneously]
ED NO! [they run to the machine] TURN IT OFF!
[They pull the plug out of the machine, but the damage is done. The zombies converge on the windows and door]
[During a stand-off, when David tries to shoot the recently-deceased Barbara]
You know I'm right, Liz. She's going to come back, and she's going to kill all of us. That's what your ex can't seem to realize!
Shaun [Tearfully]
That's what this is about, isn't it? It's just he doesn't like me! He's always hated me, and now he wants to shoot my mum!
She's not – !
Shaun You never thought I was good enough, that I deserved her!
What are you talking about?
Shaun Oh come on! We all know you're in love with Liz!
Shaun Yes it is!
That is not true!
Yes it is.
What?!
I know that you only hung around with me in college to be close to Liz, and when she knocked you back I was there to pick up the pieces. I've come to terms with that, Daffs. Why can't you?
Lizzy, I want you to know that my feelings for you have always been the same for -
David, please! We have slightly more pressing matters at hand!
Shaun You're the one who's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!
I'm not a chartered accountant!
Shaun Well you look like one!
YEEEEAH!
I'm a lecturer!
Shaun You're a twat!
YEEEEAH!
She's not your mum anymore! In a minute, she'll be just another zombie!
Shaun [Tearfully]
Don't say that!
[exasperated]
Please can we just calm...the ****...DOWN! [moves the gun in David's hands so it's now pointing to the floor rather than Barbara] [Everyone relaxes from their hostile positions]
Shaun [Phillip dies in car next to Shaun] [Crying]
Mum, it's Phillip! He's gone!
Where's he gone?
Shaun Mum! He's dead!
[Barbara turns for a second behind her]
No he isn't!
[Shaun turns to Phillip – who has become a zombie] [Everybody except Barbara screams]
Shaun But the man said stay inside!
Oh, **** the man!
Shaun Look, so long as they're out there, we're safe. [window breaks as the zombies start to enter the flat]
Last lines of film
Game console
Player two has entered the game.
Shaun [Shaun reaches out to grab the remote. Zombified Ed tries to bite Shaun's outstretched arm]
Ed! [shows him the remote]
[groans like he's saying "Sorry about that."]
