Ed Who died and made you **** king of the zombies?
More lines from Ed
17 quotes Ed Ed Wa'ssup, ****?
Ed Yeeaah, boy!
Ed Don't forget to kill Phillip!
Ed [repeated line.]
**** it!
Ed [On Pete.]
It's not hip-hop, it's electro... prick. [Unaware of how right he is] Next time I see him, he's dead.
Ed [Indicates Hand movement of sex]
"Caf? au lait" [Moans and points at Shaun] "Pour Vous"
Ed [repeated line.]
Two seconds.
Ed WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU, BARBRA! (reference to Night of the Living Dead)
Ed Can I get any of you ****s a drink?
Ed Oi! Prick!
Ed You believe everything you hear on TV?
Ed Cornetto
Ed [to David when he complains about the window]
You did that, you twat!
Ed Watch the leather (reference to Dazed and Confused)
Ed [repeating phone messages to Shaun]
Well, your mum rang about going out tonight, then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
Ed Who the bloody hell put this on?
Scenes with Ed
31 scenes
[Opening lines; Shaun and Liz are sitting in the pub, drinking.]
Shaun – d'you see what I'm saying?
Yeah, totally.
I mean, I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.
I know...
It's not that I don't like Ed. Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
Ed [Cut to reveal that Ed is actually standing next to them, playing the pub's "Ooh Ah Dracula" fruit machine]
It's alright.
Shaun, what I'm trying to say is, I need something a little more, rather than spending every night in the Winchester. I wanna get out there and do more interesting stuff, I wanna live a little, and I want you to want to want to do it too! [Groans] Listen to me, I'm beginning to sound like your mum – not that I know what she sounds like.
You still haven't met his mum?!
Don't you get along with your mum, Shaun?
No, it's not that I don't get on with her-
Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?
No! I love my mum!
Ed Yeah, I love his mum.
Ed.
Ed (sing song tone)
She's like butttahhh!...
Ed!
Shaun!
Shaun.
Liz! Look, I understand what you're trying to say, OK, and I agree. We should get out there. We'll start tomorrow, alright? I'll book a restaurant, you know, the place that does all the fish? Just the two of us. Things will change, promise.
John (bartender)
[Zombie bangs on the door of "The Winchester."]
Sorry, we're closed.
Ed [Zombie moans.]
Pisshead.
Shaun & Ed
[drunk, singing.]
Doo doo doo doo. Base. White Lines, Visions dreams of passion, goin' thru my mind, and all the while I think of you!
Ed [Shaun & Ed see two people holding each other with the woman vigourously 'kissing' the man.]
What's wrong haven't you had your tea?
Shaun & Ed
[Ed & Shaun laugh.] [The man in the backgound's neck goes limp as the woman eats his neck.] [resume singing.]
Something of a phenomenon baby, telling my body to come along. White Lines, Blow away! Shhh!
Shaun & Ed
[Shaun body slams Ed.]
Ah, get higher baby, Ah, get higher baby, Ah, get higher girl! Ahh!
Zombie
[groans loudly.]
Shaun & Ed
[scoffs]
Daba daba daba daba daba!
Zombie
[groans]
Shaun & Ed
Daba daba daba daba daba!
Zombie
[groans softer]
What's he doing? He should say bass.
Ed Or freeze.
Shaun & Ed
What a tit.
Ed What's going on, Shaun?
Ed How about an ambulance?
It's engaged, Ed.
Ed [after a pause]
Fire engine?
[exasperated]
It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What'd you want a fire engine for, anyway?
Ed Anything with flashing lights, you know?
They still out there?
Ed [Ed pulls back the curtains, revealing two zombies scratching at the window] [shuts curtains, steps away contemplatively]
Yeah. What you think we should do?
Have a sit down?
[Shaun and Ed attempt to confront two zombies using Shaun's vinyl LPs as improvised throwing weapons]
Now, some of these are limited-
[Ed throws the first record from the box, which misses and shatters on the wall of the house]
Woah woah woah, what was that!?
Ed I think it was Blue Monday.
Man, that was an original pressing!
Ed For ****'s sake.
Ed [Looking through Shaun's LP collection for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]
Purple Rain?
No.
Ed Sign o' the Times?
Definitely not.
Ed The Batman soundtrack?
Throw it.
Ed [Ed does so; it misses]
Okay... Ooh, Dire Straits?
Throw it.
Ed [Ed throws it – clipping Mary in the side of the head]
The Stone Roses?
No.
Ed Second Coming?
I like it.
Ed Ah! Sade.
But that's Liz's.
Ed Yeah, but she did dump you. [Throws it]
**** this. I'm going to the shed.
Ed I thought you said it was locked.
[Crashes through the shed door]
Ed Any zombies out there?
Don't say that!
Ed What?
That!
Ed What?
That!! The "z" word. Don't say it!
Ed Why not?
Because it's ridiculous!
Ed Alright... are there any, though?
[looking out the door mail slot, sees an empty street]
I don't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. [turns his head, sees a pack of zombies] Oh, no, wait, there they are.
Ed [Handing beer to Shaun]
It might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.
Thanks babe. [winks]
I'm not staying here.
David don't do it, that's suicide.
Ed I think he should go.
Ed Big Al says so.
Yeah, but Big Al also says dogs can't look up!
Hello, Ed!
Ed [sweetly]
Hi, Barbara!
My how you've grown!
Ed [mumbles]
Yeah, you'd better believe it.
[After he kills a zombie, while Ed and David just idly stand there]
Feel free to step in at any time!
Ed You did alright.
Didn't want to cramp your style.
What?!
Ed (After Shaun has defeated a zombie with a rifle without firing it)
Why didn't you just shoot him?
For the last time Ed, it's not...
Ed [Gun misfires]
I knew it! I **** knew it! I told you, Big Al was right!
Ed [After Liz has broken up with Shaun; "If You Leave Me Now" by Chicago, comes on the juke box] [glaring at the juke box]
Who the hell put this on?
Ed For ****'s sake... John, yes please, mate.
[After 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen comes on the pub jukebox, thus attracting zombies]
Who the hell put this on?!
Ed It's on random!
For ****'s sake!
[Shaun and Ed back up to the body of a man they've just hit with the car; Shaun rolls down his window]
Excuse me... are you all right?
Ed Aw, come on, why can't we just go?
We've got to be sure. Hello?
Ed He's going to be dead either way!
Ed, that's not the point!
Ed [Shaun and Ed pull up to Barbara's house and sees Phil's Jaguar in the driveway]
Oh! Hello! Who's a pretty boy, then? [Whistles] You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those.
Yeah, well, it's Phillip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me round the garden with a bit of wood.
Ed ****. It's gorgeous.
...
Ed Hmmm...I pranged it. [Moves to reveal wrecked car]
You were parked.
Ed Yeah. Guess we’ll have to take the Jag.
We're in a pub! What're we going to do now?
Ed Get a round in?
Ed Ain't you gonna thank me, then?
For what?
Ed Tidyin' up.
Ed [peering at the coffee table, as though the beer cans were the only thing he missed]
Well, I had a few beers when I finished.
Ed Do you want your messages?
What?
Ed Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.
What?
Videogame voice
[As Shaun joins Ed in playing a videogame and presses a button on the joypad]
Player 2 has entered the game.
Ed Haven't you got work?
Videogame voice
[Shaun presses button again and gets up]
Player 2 has left the game.
[David points a gun at the newly deceased Barbara, An enraged Shaun breaks a bottle & holds it to David's neck]
DON'T POINT THAT **** GUN AT MY MUM!!!
Shaun, calm down!
Ed [Ed breaks a bottle & holds it to David's neck as well]
DON'T POINT THAT GUN AT BARBARA!
Ed, don’t exacerbate things!
Ed What does that mean?
This isn’t exactly fair!
Ed Here.
[Ed gives his broken bottle to Di, who points it at Shaun. Ed goes to the bar.]
Thank you.
[Ed returns with a corkscrew, which he points at David's neck.]
Ed [No response; Ed picks up a pebble and throws it off her back]
Oi!
Ed [Repeated exchange]
I'm sorry, Shaun.
It's OK.
Ed No, I'm sorry, Shaun.
What?
Ed I'll stop doing it when you stop laughing!
I'm not laughing!
How many shells have we got left?
Um...two. I suppose we could, you know, take a few of them out if they stand in a line.
I wasn't thinking about them.
I know.
Ed I don't mind being eaten.
How're we gonna do this?
Um...I don't know. Um...One of us has to go first.
Well, m-m-maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves.
Oh, maybe you should do me. I'll only muck it up if I have to do myself.
[Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then shooting himself]
You know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same evening.
What makes you think I'm taking you back?
Well, you don't want to die single, do you?
Ed Actually, I would like to be shot.
Goodbye, Ed. Love you.
Ed Cheers!
I love you too, Ed.
Ed Gaaayy!
Ed See? You don't need Liz to have a good time.
Oh, don't, man.
Ed No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with cliches. But what I will say is this...
Ed [Chuckling]
It's not the end of the world.
[zombie's hand beats on the door]
Ed [Shaun has just discovered the zombies have returned and has a horrified look on his face. Dianne is going through TV channels]
Liz? Erm... Have you got a quid?
Erm... [fumbles in her pocket and finds a pound coin] Yeah. [She hands it to him and he goes to the slot machine. Dianne continues changing channels]
What do you mean?
I thought you said you gave them the slip.
Yeah...
[whispering]
Well, we'll just have to be extra quiet then, won't we? [a panicked look suddenly comes over her face as she remembers Ed is using the slot machine]
What?
[The music on the slot machine plays to signal Ed's win] Ed: Hey! I won!
Shaun and Liz
[simultaneously]
ED NO! [they run to the machine] TURN IT OFF!
[They pull the plug out of the machine, but the damage is done. The zombies converge on the windows and door]
You're the one who's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!
I'm not a chartered accountant!
Well you look like one!
Ed YEEEEAH!
I'm a lecturer!
You're a twat!
Ed YEEEEAH!
She's not your mum anymore! In a minute, she'll be just another zombie!
Ed [referring to a statement Shaun said earlier]
We're not using the "zed" word!
[exasperated]
Please can we just calm...the ****...DOWN! [moves the gun in David's hands so it's now pointing to the floor rather than Barbara] [Everyone relaxes from their hostile positions]
"[After Shaun kills Barbara]"
Well....I think we're all agreed you did the right thing there.
"[Shaun viciously turns and punches David to the floor and he **** his gun at Shaun]"
Dianne and Liz
David, NO! David.
"[He leaves after he couldn't bring himself to do it]" Right, I'm leaving.
What?
I'm not staying here.
David, Don't it's suicide.
Ed "[worriedly]" I think you should go.
We Will. We can run, We can defend ourselves.
"[viciously]" What do you mean We?
What do you mean that I mean we?
Opening that door now would be a very very silly thing to do.
You're gonna stay here with him.
Look... Shaun....
After where he gotten us into!.
YOU LET ME FINISH! Shaun didn't ask you to come here you came for the same reason I did because you didn't know what else to do. Now get away with that door this instant!
But.....
DAVID!.
I'm so sorry, Dianne.
Maybe I'm not the one who should be apologising too.
Shaun, "[Shaun glares at him venomously and angrily]" I'm.........
Ed [After hearing a report on TV about the zombies]
I think we should go out there.
But the man said stay inside!
Ed Oh, **** the man!
Look, so long as they're out there, we're safe. [window breaks as the zombies start to enter the flat]
Last lines of film
Game console
Player two has entered the game.
[Shaun reaches out to grab the remote. Zombified Ed tries to bite Shaun's outstretched arm]
Ed! [shows him the remote]
Zombified Ed [groans like he's saying "Sorry about that."]
