Liz If I don't do something, I'm going to end up going into that pub every night for the rest of my life like the rest of those sad old ****ers, drinking myself to death and wondering what the hell happened.
Played by Kate Ashfield 
Shaun of the Dead (2004) · 104 quotes
Shaun of the Dead (2004) · 104 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Shaun of the Dead (2004): in 20 of its 104 quotes
Most scenes with: Shaun (15), Ed (10), David (6)
Scenes with Liz
20 scenes Liz Liz PLEASE, CAN WE JUST CALM... THE ****... DOWN!
Liz I can see what David is trying to say, even if he is being a twat!
Liz [Opening lines; Shaun and Liz are sitting in the pub, drinking.]
Shaun – d'you see what I'm saying?
Yeah, totally.
Liz I mean, I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.
I know...
Liz It's not that I don't like Ed. Ed, it's not that I don't like you.
[Cut to reveal that Ed is actually standing next to them, playing the pub's "Ooh Ah Dracula" fruit machine]
It's alright.
Liz It's just that with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out, and then that only exacerbates things.
What you mean?
Liz Well, you guys hardly get on, do you?
No, I mean, what does 'exacerbate' mean?
Liz Um, it means to make things worse.
Liz Shaun, what I'm trying to say is, I need something a little more, rather than spending every night in the Winchester. I wanna get out there and do more interesting stuff, I wanna live a little, and I want you to want to want to do it too! [Groans] Listen to me, I'm beginning to sound like your mum – not that I know what she sounds like.
You still haven't met his mum?!
Don't you get along with your mum, Shaun?
No, it's not that I don't get on with her-
Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?
No! I love my mum!
Yeah, I love his mum.
Ed.
Ed!
Shaun!
Liz Shaun.
Liz! Look, I understand what you're trying to say, OK, and I agree. We should get out there. We'll start tomorrow, alright? I'll book a restaurant, you know, the place that does all the fish? Just the two of us. Things will change, promise.
Liz [Nodding]
Really, Shaun?
Liz [Shaun nods and sips his beer.]
Shaun?
Liz What, to the Winchester?
Liz No, I don't **** want to!!
Liz You, hang out with my friends? A failed actress and a twat?
Well, that's a bit harsh.
Liz Your words, Shaun!
I did NOT call Diane a failed actress!
Liz You promised you'd quit smoking when I did!
Well...
Liz You promised you'd start going to the gym!
I...
Liz You promised you'd try red wine instead of beer!
Eh...
Liz You promised we'd go on holiday together!
Well, we went to Greece, didn't we?
Liz We met in Greece!
At a rave.
Liz You promised things would change.
You promised you'd get us free cable.
I'm working on that!
Okay.
I'm not staying here.
Liz David don't do it, that's suicide.
I think he should go.
Everybody stay where you are, I'm going to check and see if the coast is clear.
Liz Is it clear?
...No.
Liz How many?
Lots. [Camera pans up to reveal dozens of zombies staggering around The Winchester pub.]
[After 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Queen comes on the pub jukebox, thus attracting zombies]
Who the hell put this on?!
It's on random!
Liz For ****'s sake!
Hang on, I'll check to see if the coast is clear. [climbs the ladder of a child's slide; after checking over the fence for a moment, he comes back down] .......
Liz Well... is it clear?
No.
Liz How many?
Lots.
[David points a gun at the newly deceased Barbara, An enraged Shaun breaks a bottle & holds it to David's neck]
DON'T POINT THAT **** GUN AT MY MUM!!!
Liz Shaun, calm down!
Liz Ed, don’t exacerbate things!
What does that mean?
This isn’t exactly fair!
Here.
[Ed gives his broken bottle to Di, who points it at Shaun. Ed goes to the bar.]
Thank you.
[Ed returns with a corkscrew, which he points at David's neck.]
Liz How many shells have we got left?
Um...two. I suppose we could, you know, take a few of them out if they stand in a line.
Liz I wasn't thinking about them.
I know.
I don't mind being eaten.
How're we gonna do this?
Liz Um...I don't know. Um...One of us has to go first.
Well, m-m-maybe one should do the other, and then do themselves.
Liz Oh, maybe you should do me. I'll only muck it up if I have to do myself.
[Shaun mimes shooting Liz and then shooting himself]
You know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same evening.
Liz What makes you think I'm taking you back?
Well, you don't want to die single, do you?
Actually, I would like to be shot.
Liz Goodbye, Ed. Love you.
Cheers!
I love you too, Ed.
Gaaayy!
[Shaun has just discovered the zombies have returned and has a horrified look on his face. Dianne is going through TV channels]
Liz? Erm... Have you got a quid?
Liz Erm... [fumbles in her pocket and finds a pound coin] Yeah. [She hands it to him and he goes to the slot machine. Dianne continues changing channels]
Liz [to Shaun]
Never anything on, is there? [notices Shaun's horrified expression] What?
Liz What do you mean?
Liz I thought you said you gave them the slip.
Yeah...
Liz [whispering]
Well, we'll just have to be extra quiet then, won't we? [a panicked look suddenly comes over her face as she remembers Ed is using the slot machine]
What?
[The music on the slot machine plays to signal Ed's win] Ed: Hey! I won!
Shaun and Liz
[simultaneously]
ED NO! [they run to the machine] TURN IT OFF!
[They pull the plug out of the machine, but the damage is done. The zombies converge on the windows and door]
[During a stand-off, when David tries to shoot the recently-deceased Barbara]
You know I'm right, Liz. She's going to come back, and she's going to kill all of us. That's what your ex can't seem to realize!
[Tearfully]
That's what this is about, isn't it? It's just he doesn't like me! He's always hated me, and now he wants to shoot my mum!
She's not – !
You never thought I was good enough, that I deserved her!
What are you talking about?
Oh come on! We all know you're in love with Liz!
Yes it is!
That is not true!
Yes it is.
What?!
I know that you only hung around with me in college to be close to Liz, and when she knocked you back I was there to pick up the pieces. I've come to terms with that, Daffs. Why can't you?
Lizzy, I want you to know that my feelings for you have always been the same for -
Liz David, please! We have slightly more pressing matters at hand!
You're the one who's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!
I'm not a chartered accountant!
Well you look like one!
YEEEEAH!
I'm a lecturer!
You're a twat!
YEEEEAH!
She's not your mum anymore! In a minute, she'll be just another zombie!
Liz [exasperated]
Please can we just calm...the ****...DOWN! [moves the gun in David's hands so it's now pointing to the floor rather than Barbara] [Everyone relaxes from their hostile positions]
"[After Shaun kills Barbara]"
Well....I think we're all agreed you did the right thing there.
"[Shaun viciously turns and punches David to the floor and he **** his gun at Shaun]"
Dianne and Liz
David, NO! David.
"[He leaves after he couldn't bring himself to do it]" Right, I'm leaving.
What?
I'm not staying here.
Liz David, Don't it's suicide.
"[worriedly]" I think you should go.
We Will. We can run, We can defend ourselves.
"[viciously]" What do you mean We?
What do you mean that I mean we?
Opening that door now would be a very very silly thing to do.
You're gonna stay here with him.
Look... Shaun....
After where he gotten us into!.
YOU LET ME FINISH! Shaun didn't ask you to come here you came for the same reason I did because you didn't know what else to do. Now get away with that door this instant!
But.....
DAVID!.
I'm so sorry, Dianne.
Maybe I'm not the one who should be apologising too.
Shaun, "[Shaun glares at him venomously and angrily]" I'm.........
