Gary King quotes from The World's End (2013)

Gary King

Ever had one of those nights that starts out like any other, but ends up being the best night of your life? It was June the 22nd, 1990: our final day of school. There was Oliver Chamberlain, Peter Page, Steven Prince, Andy Knightley, and me. They called me the King...because...my name's Gary King! Ollie was funny, he fancied himself as a bit of player, but really, he was all mouth. We called him "O-Man" because he had a birthmark on his forehead that looked like a 6. Haha He loved it! Pete was the baby of the group. He wasn't the kind of kid we'd usually hang out with, but, he was good for a laugh...and he was absolutely minted! Steve was a pretty cool guy. We jammed together, chased the girls... I think he saw us as rivals! Hmph! Sweet, really. And Andy... Andy was my wingman, the one guy I could rely on to back me up. He loved me, and... I'm not being funny, but, I loved him too. There was nothing we were gonna miss about school! Maybe Mr Shepherd, he was definitely one of the good guys. He used to ask me what I wanted to do with my life. I told him “I just wanted to have a good time”. He thought that was funny. It wasn't meant to be funny - not that night! Newton Haven was our hometown, our playground, our universe. And that night, it was the site of a heroic quest. The aim? To conquer the Golden Mile, twelve pubs along a legendary path of alcoholic indulgence. There was The First Post, The Old Familiar, The Famous ****, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two-Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head, The Hole in the Wall, all before reaching our destiny: The World's End! We took my car into town; I call it The Beast, because she was pretty hairy! And so our journey into manhood began. We were off! We didn't waste any time; we hit pub one, and we hit it hard! There was drinking, there was fun, there was controversy, there were ladies, there were shots, there was drama, and of course, there was drinking! By pub five, we were feeling invincible, and decided to purchase some herbal refreshment from a man we call The Reverend Green. Pint six put O-Man out of commission, so we carried on without him. Good thing; I bumped into his sister in the next pub, we went into the disabled's and I bumped into her again! Sam tagged along for a while, but then I had to let her go; I had another date that night and her name was Amber! Nine pints in, and it was us against the world. Things got mental in The Beehive, so we repaired to the bowls club, or as we liked to call it, the 'Smokehouse' - which is when it all went ****-up! Everyone got Para(noid) and Pete chucked a whitey, so we had to bench him. In the end, we blew off the last three pubs and headed to the hills. I remember sittin' up there, blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes, seeing the orange glow of a new dawn breaking, and knowing in my heart that life would never feel this good again. And you know what? It never did.

Gary King

Tonight, we will be partaking of a liquid repast, as we wend our way up the Golden Mile, commencing with an inaugural tankard in The First Post, then on to The Old Familiar, The Famous ****, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two-Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head, and The Hole in the Wall for a measure of the same. All before the last bittersweet pint in that most fateful terminus - The World's End. Leave a light on, good lady, for though we may return with a twinkle in our eyes, we will, in truth, be blind - drunk.

Gary King

There's only one Gary King!

Gary King

I don't believe this. A man of your legendary prowess drinking ****...rain! It's like seeing a lion eating some hummus!

Gary King

They call me The King.

Gary King

How's um...?

Peter Page

Vanessa?

Gary King

No, your wife.

Peter Page

Vanessa?

Gary King

Yeah, how's she?

Peter Page

She's good.

Gary King

Have you had sex yet?

Peter Page

We have two children.

Gary King

Ooh, twice! Get you, **** machine!

Gary King

We had ourselves a little idea.

Andrew Knightley

Did you now?

Gary King

Yeah, we're gonna go back to Newton Haven.

Andrew Knightley

Why?

Gary King

For some unfinished business.

Andrew Knightley

...That's a joke right?

Gary King

Five guys? Twelve Pubs? Fifty pints?

Andrew Knightley

Sixty pints.

Gary King

Oh hoo, steady on, you **** alky!

Andrew Knightley

I haven't had a drink for 16 years, Gary.

Gary King

You must be thirsty then. We can go back, see the guys, chew the fat, and it will be just like it always was, except this time, we are gonna finish this thing once and for all.

Andrew Knightley

You have a very selective memory, Gary.

Gary King

Thanks.

Andrew Knightley

You remember the Friday nights. I remember the Monday mornings.

Gary King

Yeah, that's why we're going back on a Friday! [Makes silly face]

Andrew Knightley

Why do you think none of us live in Newton Haven anymore?

Gary King

I dunno...

Andrew Knightley

Because it is a black hole. It's boring. It always was, and it always will be!

Gary King

It's only boring 'cause we're not there!

Andrew Knightley

It's pointless arguing with you.

Gary King

Exactly! So come!

Gary King

And we're back! Just like the five musketeers!

Steven Prince

Three musketeers wasn't it?

Peter Page

Four, if you count d'Artagnan.

Gary King

Well, nobody knows how many there were, really, do they, Pete? I mean, history is a sketchbook.

Oliver Chamberlain

You do know that "The Three Musketeers" was a fiction, right? Written by Alexandre Dumas?

Gary King

A lot of people are saying that about the Bible these days.

Steven Prince

What, that it was written by Alexandre Dumas?

Gary King

Don't be daft, Steve! It was written by Jesus! Anyway, five sounds much better. I think they missed a trick only having three, 'cos if they'd had five, then two could have died, and they'd still have three left!

Andrew Knightley

Are we there yet?

Gary King

Let's do this!

Steven Prince

Wow, you really have a selective memory, don't you?

Gary King

Somebody else was saying that!

Andrew Knightley

Me.

Gary King

No, I would have remembered.

Sam Chamberlain

Gary, you are out of your mind!

Gary King

What are you talking about, you gave me the sign!

Sam Chamberlain

What sign?

Gary King

You went to the toilet.

Sam Chamberlain

Gary, are you serious? I haven't seen you in twenty years! You really think I'm going to have sex with you in the ladies toilet?

Gary King

Well the disabled's is out of order.

Oliver Chamberlain

WTF, Gary? WTF?

Gary King

What the **** does "WTF" mean?

Peter Page

What the ****??

Gary King

Oooh, yeah!

Steven Prince

Ten people have entered in this toilet in the last five minutes and not a single one has come back out again. That's going to look suspicious.

Gary King

Gay loving!

Oliver Chamberlain

Maybe they have selective memories.

Gary King

Yeah, like what's-his-name! Me!

Steven Prince

We need to be able to differentiate between them, them and us.

Peter Page

Yeah, I think the pronouns are really confusing.

Gary King

I don't even know what a pronoun is.

Oliver Chamberlain

Well, it's a word that can function by itself as a noun which refers to something else in the discourse.

Gary King

I don't get it.

Andrew Knightley

You just used one.

Gary King

Did I?

Andrew Knightley

"It", it's a pronoun.

Gary King

What is?

Andrew Knightley

It!

Gary King

Is it?

Andrew Knightley

Christ!

Gary King

Jesus, I do something right for a change, and you ****ers get on my case!

Andrew Knightley

Wow, that is the first time I've ever heard you admit being wrong!

Gary King

I said I did something right!

Steven Prince

Yeah, "for a change"!

Gary King

So?

Andrew Knightley

Meaning the rest of the time, you're wrong?

Gary King

Not necessarily. [Everyone groans in annoyance]

Gary King

If I'm not me, then how do I know that carved into that beam above your head are the words "King Gary"?

Andrew Knightley

But it doesn't say "King Gary".

Gary King

Yes it does!...Doesn't it?

Andrew Knightley

No...it says "King Gay".

Gary King

Well...some **** scrubbed out the "r"!

Steven Prince

That was me.

Gary King

Why?

Peter Page

King Gay!

Andrew Knightley

You've had enough!

Gary King

This is The World's End, man!

Andrew Knightley

I know! [the two fight and Gary falls to the ground]

Gary King

Leave me alone, what do you care, anyway?!

Andrew Knightley

Of course I **** care! There is a reason I'm angry at you!

Gary King

I know why you're angry at me, okay, but it's not my fault that you crashed that car!

Andrew Knightley

That's not the point! You let me down, man. You were Gary King. Gary **** King! I would have followed you to the end! I **** have!

Gary King

Well then stop following me! [Gary kicks Andy in the groin and runs for the bar. Andy grabs him and they brawl] It's just one more! Let me have this! You've got everything you want!

Andrew Knightley

What are you talking about?!

Gary King

You've got your perfect job and your perfect house and your perfect wife!

Andrew Knightley

You think it's so perfect?! She left me, Gary. She took the kids to her mum's three weeks ago. Said I'm not present enough. I am trying to win her back- God knows I am losing- but I will continue to fight, because that is how we survive! For ****'s sake, Gary, I just punched my wedding ring out of a robot's tummy!

Gary King

Exactly! You, you fight for what's important!

Andrew Knightley

And what is so important about the Golden Mile?!

Gary King

IT'S ALL I'VE GOT!

Andrew Knightley

You need help, Gary.

Gary King

I got help. You know what "help" was? Help was a lot of people sitting in a circle talking about how ****in' awful things had got. That is not my idea of a good time.

Andrew Knightley

And this is?!

Gary King

They told me when to go to bed! ME!

Andrew Knightley

Gary, mate... How can you tell when you're drunk if you're never sober?

Gary King

I don't want to be sober! It never got better than that night! That was supposed to be the beginning of my life! All that promise and **** optimism... That feeling like we could take on the whole universe! It was all a big lie. Nothing happened.

Andrew Knightley

You don't need to do this, Gary.

Gary King

Yeah, I do.

Gary King

There's only one Gary King!

Then you have made your choice, Gary King of the humans!

Gary King

Yeah I have! Because, frankly, who the **** are you to come down here and tell us what to do?!

We are the Network! And we are here for your betterment! In the last 23 years, have you not marveled as information technology has surged forward?

Gary King

No.

Earth has grown smaller, yet greater as connectivity has grown! This is our doing! And it is just the beginning!

Gary King

Ohhh **** off you big lamp!

You are children, and you require guidance! There is no room for imperfection!

Gary King

Hey, Earth isn't perfect, all right? And humans aren't perfect, and guess what? I ain't perfect!

Therein lies the necessity of this intervention, must the galaxy be subjected to an entire planet of people like you?

Andrew Knightley

Whoah, whoah...whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah...who put you in charge, huh? Who are you to criticize anyone? You may think Gary is a bit of a ****, and he is a bit of a ****, but he's MY ****!

Gary King

Oh thanks, mate.

But he is a detriment to himself just as Earth is a detriment to the galaxy!

Andrew Knightley

What did you say?

You act out the same cycles of self-destruction again, and again! At this point, your planet is the least civilized in the entire galaxy!

Gary King

What did he say?

Andrew Knightley

He's saying we're a bunch of ****-ups!

Gary King

HEY! It is our basic human right to be ****-ups! This civilization was founded on ****-ups and you know what? That makes me proud!

Andrew Knightley

Yeah! And me!

Gary King

What is it they say? "To err is..."

Andrew Knightley

"To err is human."

Gary King

"To err is human!" So...errr...!

We do not believe you speak for all humanity! You are but two men! Two DRUNK men!

Steven Prince

THREE drunk men!

Stevey-baby! [all laughing]

ENOUGH! ENOUGH, HUMANS!

Gary King

Oh, you are in trouble now! It's only the **** three musketeers!

You are revolting against the wisdom of countless solar systems!

Gary King

Yeah, we are revolting!

Andrew Knightley

Wait, you just said you're not here to conquer! Can I just ask, how many people did you have to replace in Newton Haven?

That is irrelevant.

Andrew Knightley

Is it? [to the blank congregation] Hands up! Who here is human?!

I'm human.

Gary King

One!

And me.

Gary King

That's two!

I am, but I don't know for how long.

Basil!

Shh! [disappears]

Steven Prince

So what's that, three?

Andrew Knightley

You had to replace an entire town?

Not the entire town.

Gary King

Well everybody apart from old Nutball, and the shifty twins!

Steven Prince

That's a good name for a band, Gary, you should write that down!

Gary King

I will!

Andrew Knightley

What about all the ones you replaced, like Peter and Oliver?

Steven Prince

Yeah! What happened to the empties?!

I told you not to ask that!

Redundant vessels are recycled, mulched and converted into fertilizer where upon they are returned to the earth to promote verdancy and growth. It is a highly efficient means of organic renewal!

Gary King

Mulched?!

It is a relative few in light of our long-term plan!

Steven Prince

You mean a few hundred thousand turned to **** compost!

Andrew Knightley

Well what about the other places? The penetration points! [Gary makes a sex motion with his finger] Are they as successful as Newton Haven? Because I'm guessing we're not the only glitch in your system!

It is true, the Network has been experiencing some difficulties.

Gary King

I think you bit off more than you can chew with Earth, mate!

Andrew Knightley

Yeah because we are more belligerent, more stubborn, and more idiotic than you can possibly imagine! I am not just talking about Gary!

Gary King

Yeah, there's more than one Gary King!

But you said-

Gary King

I **** KNOW WHAT I **** SAID!

YOUR RELIANCE ON PROFANITY IS A MEASURE OF YOUR IMMATURITY AS A MAN AND AS A SPECIES!

Gary King

Why don't you just get in your rocket and **** off back to Legoland, you ****s!

Steven Prince

Yeah! Stop **** Starbucking us man!

Gary King

Yeah!

It is our duty to challenge you!

Gary King

Just leave us to our own devices, you intergalactic arseholes!

You misunderstand!

Gary King

Shut up!

We are trying-

Gary King

Nobody's listening!!

If you'd only-!

Gary King

FACE IT! We are the human race, and we don't like being told what to do!

Just what is it you want to do?!

Gary King

We wanna be free!

Andrew Knightley

Yeah!

Gary King

We wanna be free to do what we wanna do!

Andrew Knightley

Yeah.

Gary King

We wanna get loaded!

Steven Prince

Yeah!

Gary King

And we wanna have a good time! And that's what we're gonna do!

It's pointless arguing with you... [Begins shutting down] You will be left to your own devices.

Gary King

Really?

Yeah...**** it. [Shuts down]

Who the hell do you think you are?!

Gary King

Me? They call me The King! [Charges forward]