Private Parts 1997 quotes, page 2

Howard

That is the first naked lady in the history of radio. Sans panties, sans bra.

Robin

I am shocked.

Howard

So am I. This is disgraceful. We should be taken off the air.

Robin

You've finally done it.

Howard

Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art. Did you know that?

Mandy

Thank you, Howard.

Howard

Let me tell you something. Now, to ensure our place in the history of radio, Mandy has agreed to actually get on the floor with me and give me a massage while she is nude.

Robin

What does a massage have to do with making it into history?

Howard

Who knows? I don't know. Massage, schmas. I just gotta get touched.

You are interrupting me.

Kenny

I have, uh, Howard Stern outside.

You have who outside?

Kenny

The young man from Washington that we...

You have Howard Stern outside my **** office? How did Howard Stern get outside my **** office?

Kenny

I brought him down...

Well, I'm not gonna meet that stupid ****. He's nothing.

**** off!

Kenny

Uh, Mr. Erlick, if I may? Put me in charge of the Stern show. Let me ride herd on him, and I'll mold that son of a bitch into another Don Imus. When I'm through whipping him, that boy will be asking permission to wipe his ass.

You want to tame him?

Kenny

Well, either I'll tame him, or I'll make him so crazy...he'll quit. So either way, we win.

Kenny

You goddamn mother****ers. You **** waltz in here, and you think you know everything, don't you? Well, I **** worked my **** ass off to get to New York City, and you sure as **** are not gonna **** blow it for me!

Howard

I was just doing character...

Kenny

Barry, Jerry, clarify the situation for him, please.

Page 108, paragraph 3: "No jokes dealing with flatulence, excretion, urination, ejaculation, or other bodily functions."

Also, no use of the so-called seven dirty words. These are ****, mother****er, ****, shit, ****, ****, and pussy.

Kenny

Now, from now on, all your little bits are gonna be under 2 minutes in duration, and all scripts...and I do mean all scripts...require my personal approval. Welcome to NBC, Howard.

Researcher

The average radio listener listens for eighteen minutes a day. The average Howard Stern fan listens for - are you ready for this? - an hour and twenty minutes.

Kenny

How could this be?

Researcher

Answer most commonly given: "I want to see what he'll say next."

Kenny

 : All right, fine. But what about the people who hate Stern?

Researcher

Good point. The average Stern hater listens for two and a half hours a day.

Kenny

 : But... if they hate him, why do they listen?

Researcher

Most common answer: "I want to see what he'll say next."

Howard Stern

It's unbelievable. I got a job offer today from WNBC in New York. Afternoon drive, the most powerful radio station in their chain, $150,000 a year. And they said if I do really well, they're gonna syndicate my program all over the country. This is it. This is everything I want. It's like...It's the dream, the Big Apple.

Howard Stern

Howdy, cowpokes. Uh, I know I shouldn't be interrupting in the middle of a song, but I got to tell you something. I know a lot of you out there really love this music, but I just don't get it. Explain it to me. And maybe it's 'cause I went to college, and I never drove a truck and had sex with my daddy's sister, but...I guess what I'm trying to say is, I...I don't think I'm the man for this job. So this is your old pal Hopalong Howie saying I quit. I... I think I quit.

Kenny 'Pig Vomit' Rushton

Howard Stern can kiss my ass in hell!

Howard Stern

I am Officer Howie, and there's a new law in town. We're taking it over.

Howard Stern

I am the hero of the lesbian community, am I not, Robin?

Howard Stern

I want to pray to God right now. Jesus Christ, who I love so much, more than anything in the whole world, I am begging you, please...send a hit man to the United States of America to kill Pig Vomit finally. Thank you. I love you, God. I'll do whatever you say if you just make that come true.

Howard Stern

I was in the program director's office. His name is Pig Vomit. Yes, because he looks like a pig, and he makes you want to vomit. He's Pig Vomit.

Howard Stern

It was then that I made a startling discovery...Lesbians equal ratings.

Howard Stern

My name is Howard Stern, and welcome to the new morning show. And we have a new feature for you. This is, uh, something special. We have a traffic copter now here at WWWW. Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day in the traffic copter. Mama, you there? Hello? Mama? Uh. [Helicopter sound effect] Hello? [In Mama's voice] Yes, hello. This is Mama Look-a boo boo day, the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area, I'm proud to say. [in his normal voice] Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, Mama. Tell me, uh, what's going on in the traffic? [in Mama's voice] First, a political statement, if I may. Kill, Kill, Kill... The White Man, by Eugene Mama Look-a boo boo day. Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the pen. OK, here we go. Kill, kill, kill the white man. Kill him until he is dead. Kill the white man. Thank you.

Howard Stern

So occasionally I make a fool of myself in public, and the FCC wants me off the air, and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts, and, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not? But my life isn't bad at all. I'm still on the air, I've got my kids, and I've got Alison. Alison... She's the best friend I could ever have. And who knows? With a little time, the right energy...I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action.