Paul Blart
Help someone today!
A line from Paul Blart
It looks like we've come to a fork in the road. [shoots the vibrating fork like a bow-and-arrow]
More lines from Paul Blart
5 quotes Paul Blart
Paul Blart
Not today, death! Not today!
Paul Blart
We are trained to detect, deter, observe, and report. But one day, 6 years ago, a man did more than that. And I AM THAT MAN!
Paul Blart
Always bet on Blart.
Paul Blart
I don't drink. But I do ride! [slaps horse's butt, then horse kicks him into a car]
Scenes with Paul Blart
2 scenes
Maya
Hey, Dad. I ordered your favorite.
Paul
Oh, really? Well, you know what, I've lost my appetite. What has gotten into you? You lied to me. You said you were taking a nap.
Maya
Well, I was going to, but...
Paul
[interrupts Maya]
Mm, you never called me once. You leave the bath filled which could've caused water damage, candles lit which could've burnt down Las Vegas, Nevada.
Maya
I'm sorry. It's just Lane invited me to go out to the pool...
Paul
[interrupts again]
Lane? Lane? That's what this betrayal's about? Chicken Chow LANE?!
Maya
Dad, people are looking. [smiles nervously]
Paul
[calms down]
What happened to her, Maya? What happened to the pristine girl who could never tell a lie? What happened to my little George Washington?
Maya
"George Washington"?
Paul
He could never tell a lie. He was full truth in a powdered wig.
Maya
I think you're overreacting.
Paul
Really? [pulls out UCLA application] And when were you gonna tell me about that?
Maya
[pause, takes the application]
Where did you find this?
Paul
Please, Maya. I'm a highly-trained security specialist. You can't expect to keep secrets from me.
Maya
[pause]
I didn't think I'd get in.
Paul
[sighs in disappointment]
I didn't even know you applied there. What happened to Central Jersey Applied Technical Junior College?
Maya
[excited]
We're talking about UCLA here!
Paul
Yeah, I thought we were talking about CJATJC.
Maya
Dad, you don't understand. I have a chance to go to California!
Paul
Maya, California... It's-It's too far away.
Maya
[pause]
Well, think about it this way: you can come visit me in the wintertime when really cold in Jersey.
Paul
Of course I can if I want some smog in my earthquake flakes!
Maya
[pause]
You know what, I've decided: I'm going.
Paul
Wait, you've...decided? You've just decided? Well, you know what, decision overruled. Judge Blart, now in session! [slams a plate of bread]
Maya
[Maya stands up, Paul eats a bread slice]
I know you've lost a lot lately and you're scared. [voice breaking] But what you're doing right now is so wrong. [Paul shakes his head] I'm going to UCLA. [she walks out in frustration]
Paul
Maya? Maya, you get back... Maya...
Paul
I told you I was crazy.
Vincent
And I told you...that I'm crazy.
Paul
Whoa. Y-You can't out-crazy me. My crazy will take your crazy, shove it in a metal tube, fill it with rats, then blowtorch it until the rats have no way to escape except eating their way through your crazy.
Vincent
Wow. You are oblivious to the avalanche of insanity I am about to unload. You don't know what I will do to you!
Paul
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I WILL DO TO YOU! I WILL SPIN AROUND UNTIL I THROW UP ON YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS! I SIMPLY DON'T CARE!
Vincent
I STICK YOUR FACE IN MAPLE SYRUP AND MAKE YOU SING GOSPEL! HOW DOES THAT BLOW YOUR HAIR BACK, BLART?!
Paul
I WILL CRAWL INSIDE YOU AND LAY EGGS LIKE A BABY SPIDER!
Vincent
I WELCOME IT! I'VE GOT 2 DIFFERENT COLORED EYES! SHOWS YOU HOW I LIVE MY LIFE!
Paul
I WILL BRING A FOLK GUITAR TO A PUMPKIN FIGHT BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I WAS BROUGHT UP!
Vincent
[pause]
Okay, you lost me on that last one.
Paul
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW CRAZY I AM! NOW GIMME BACK MY DAUGHTER!
Vincent
GIVE ME MY PAINTING!
Paul
AAAAAHH!!! [throws the painting on the floor but it didn't slide due to the carpet]
