Hello son, would you like a lolly?
Little Chris
Piss off, you nonce!
Eddie
16 quotes
Soap
Dexter Fletcher · 16 quotes
Tom
Jason Flemyng · 13 quotes
Bacon
Jason Statham · 12 quotes
Barry the Baptist
Lenny McLean · 12 quotes
Rory Breaker
Vas Blackwood · 11 quotes
Big Chris
Vinnie Jones · 5 quotes
Gary
Victor McGuire · 5 quotes
Dog
Frank Harper · 4 quotes
Nick the Greek
Stephen Marcus · 4 quotes
Winston
Steven Mackintosh · 4 quotes
Most scenes together: Tom & Soap (7), Eddie & Soap (5), Bacon & Soap (5)
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes
Page 2 of 6He likes your bar.
J.D. Yes.
He wants your bar!
J.D. And?
Do you want me to draw you a picture?
I've got some bad news for you, John.
John What the ****?
John Jesus Christ!
Dean He's got the guns. Go ahead. You get them.
Why me?
Dean You're supposed to be the hard case.
Mickey It's me Bren gun.
Couldn't you have thought of something more practical?
I'll find ya.
'Course you will, sweet'eart.
I'll find ya.
What do you think this is, hide and seek?
Don Fold.
Phil
Fold? Is that the only word they taught you at school, Donald?
Don No, Phil. They also taught me the word "****"!
Don I'll fold.
Phil
Fold? Is that the only word you learnt at school?
Don No, I also learned the word ****!
Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, ****-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something we should know about you?
I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
They're armed.
What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Err, bad breath, colourful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!
Where the hell are we gonna hide?
Don't complicate things, just hide!
Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shots?
Oh, you must be the brains then. Yes, that's right, guns that fire shots.
So who's the gov'? Who we doing this for?
You're doing it for me, that's all you need to know. You know because you need to know.
I see. One of them "on a need to know basis" things is it? Like one of them James Bond films.
Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.
Hatchet Harry
You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son.
Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
Hatchet Harry
Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.
J [Discussing their careers as marijuana growers]
I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners or something.
Charles Peace Prize? Ooh. Be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking.