Bacon I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past!
Tied for 4th most-quoted character in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998): in 12 of its 79 quotes
Most scenes with: Soap (5), Eddie (4), Tom (4)
Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry. Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy round for explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag. Reached out for the nearest thing at hand which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber ****. He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it. Now, that was seen as a pleasant way to go, hence, Hatchet Harry is the man you pay if you owe.
More lines from Bacon
2 quotes Bacon Bacon (to Dog holding up a gun)
Bend over the **** desk!
Scenes with Bacon
9 scenes Bacon Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
Did you say ten pound?
Bacon Are you deaf?
That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Bacon Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again, they've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Bacon, cozzers!
Bacon Shit.
Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, ****-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something we should know about you?
Bacon I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
Bacon What's that?
Samoan Joe's Barman
It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
Bacon No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink! I didn't expect a **** rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in there! Bring me a pint.
Samoan Joe's Barman
You want a pint, you go to the pub.
Bacon I thought this was a pub!
Samoan Joes Barman
It's a Samoan pub.
When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Bacon, see what we've got.
Bacon Let's have a butcher's, eh?
Bacon [He inspects the loot]
We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
What?
Bacon I think he's still alive -- he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?
I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Bacon Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
I don't know! Use your imagination!
Bacon I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? You knock him out.
I **** hate traffic wardens.
[After a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless.]
Bacon The odds are a hundred to one. All we need is five grand.
I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse. The odds are a hundred to one for a good reason, Bacon. It won't win!
Listen to this one: You open a company called the Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club.
You what?
You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, you sell it with, I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", "the latest and greatest in sexual technology", "guaranteed results or your money back", all that bollocks. Now these dils cost twenty-five quid a pop - as a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipients. But they send their cheques to the other company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five quid. You take that twenty-five quid, you stick it in the bank until it clears. Now this is the smart bit - you send back the cheque for twenty-five pound from the other company name, "Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club", saying, "We're sorry, we couldn't get the supplies from America because they run out of stock". Now you see how many people cash that cheque - not a single soul, because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not paying cheques?
Bacon So how long do you have to wait until you see a return?
Probably no more than four weeks.
Bacon A month? So, what **** good is that if we need it in six - no, five days?
Well, it's still a good idea.
Where'd you get these? A **** museum?
Nick the Greek.
Bacon How much did you part with?
700 for the pair.
Drachmas, I hope. I'd feel safer with a chicken drumstick. These are gonna do more harm than good.
Where the hell are we gonna hide?
Bacon Don't complicate things, just hide!
I'll find ya.
Bacon 'Course you will, sweet'eart.
I'll find ya.
Bacon What do you think this is, hide and seek?
