Eddie
(To Tom about the guns)
So, the only thing connecting us to the case, is in the back of your car which is parked outside?!
More lines from Eddie
5 quotes
Eddie
I **** hate traffic wardens
Eddie
Anyway, **** it. The battle is over and the war is won.
Eddie
No, **** that. You can think about it. I am panicking and I'm off.
Eddie
Soap, stop being such a mincer.
Scenes with Eddie
10 scenes
Eddie
They're armed.
What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie
Err, bad breath, colourful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!
Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse.
I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
Eddie
Will you two stop flirting for a minute?
Where the **** are they going?... Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Eddie
Where did they get those outfits?
Tom, Bacon
Not a bad idea, that.
It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.
...
Dunno. Seems expensive.
Seems? Well, this seems to be a complete waste of my time. That, my friend, is 900 nicker in any store you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're haggling over 200 pound? What school of finance did you come from Nick? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the Sale of the **** Century!" In fact, **** it Nick, I think I'll keep it!
Alright alright, keep your Alans on!
Tom, Eddie
Jesus Christ!
Eddie
You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What're you doing when you're not buying stereos Nick? Financing revolutions?
100 pound is still 100 pound.
Not when the price is 200 pound it ain't! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now come on, lemme feel the fiber of your fabric.
Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
Eddie
Did you say ten pound?
Are you deaf?
Eddie
That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again, they've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Eddie
Bacon, cozzers!
Shit.
Eddie
Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, ****-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something we should know about you?
I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
Hatchet Harry
You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son.
Eddie
Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
Hatchet Harry
Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.
When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Eddie
Bacon, see what we've got.
Let's have a butcher's, eh?
[He inspects the loot]
We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
What?
I think he's still alive -- he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?
Eddie
I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
Eddie
I don't know! Use your imagination!
I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? You knock him out.
Eddie
I **** hate traffic wardens.
[After a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless.]
Eddie
Where the hell are we gonna hide?
Don't complicate things, just hide!
Security #1
[upon seeing Eddie and friends]
Invitations.
Eddie
Invitations?
Security #2
Yeah, invitations. You know, four pretty white pieces of paper with your names on.
Eddie
Well, we've got a 100.000 bits of paper with the Queen's head on. Will that do?
Security #2
All right, just you. The others, they can wait next door in Samoan Jo's.
Eddie
Samoan Jo's, you mean the pub? Hold on …
Security #2
[interrupting Eddie]
Hold on to your **** tongue, and I will hold on to my patience, okay, sonny? No one in here tonight but card players, and I do mean no one.
