Little Chris
****in' hell John, do you always walk around with this in your pocket?
Hey! You use language like that again son, you'll wish you hadn't!
Eddie
16 quotes
Soap
Dexter Fletcher · 16 quotes
Tom
Jason Flemyng · 13 quotes
Bacon
Jason Statham · 12 quotes
Barry the Baptist
Lenny McLean · 12 quotes
Rory Breaker
Vas Blackwood · 11 quotes
Big Chris
Vinnie Jones · 5 quotes
Gary
Victor McGuire · 5 quotes
Dog
Frank Harper · 4 quotes
Nick the Greek
Stephen Marcus · 4 quotes
Winston
Steven Mackintosh · 4 quotes
Most scenes together: Tom & Soap (7), Eddie & Soap (5), Bacon & Soap (5)
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes
Page 3 of 6It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.
...
Dunno. Seems expensive.
Seems? Well, this seems to be a complete waste of my time. That, my friend, is 900 nicker in any store you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're haggling over 200 pound? What school of finance did you come from Nick? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the Sale of the **** Century!" In fact, **** it Nick, I think I'll keep it!
Alright alright, keep your Alans on!
Tom, Eddie
Jesus Christ!
You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What're you doing when you're not buying stereos Nick? Financing revolutions?
100 pound is still 100 pound.
Not when the price is 200 pound it ain't! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now come on, lemme feel the fiber of your fabric.
Weed?
Nah, it's not normal weed. Some ****-up skunk, class A, can't-think-let-a-lone-move shit.
Doesn't sound good to me.
Well, neither me, but it depends what flicks your switch, and the light is on and burning brightly for the masses. ... Anyway, do you know anyone?
I know a man, yes.... Rory Breaker.
Not that mad-man with an Afro. I don't want anything to do with him.
You won't have to, just get me a sample.
Ahh, no can do.
What's that? A place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate.
Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
It's what?
It's kosher. As Christmas.
The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.
Well, never mind that. We're gonna need some artillery too. Couple of sawn-off shot-guns
This is a bit heavy. This is London, not the Lebanon, who do you think I am?
Think you're Nick the Greek.
Paul
Come take a look at this.
Traffic Warden Take a look at what, exactly?
Paul
Well, the van's half-full. So all I have to do is fill it up, put you in it, [knocks him out] and I'm off.
Plank [gets hit with an air rifle]
Ah! They **** shot me!
Well, shoot 'em back!
Plank [shoots wildly]
John Jesus, Plank, couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a bloody thi - Ah! Shit! I've been shot!
I don't **** believe this! Can everyone stop gettin' shot?
What did you shoot him with, an air rifle?
Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
You don't say.
Your stupidity may be your one saving grace.
Uh?
Don't "uh" me, Greek boy! How is it that your **** stupid soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white ****'s joke that black ****s don't get? 'Cause I'm not **** laughing, Nich-ohl-arse!
[Nick shrugs with a stupid look on his face]
I have three interests in life, Nick. No, four: football, music, money, and the annihilation of anyone that interferes in that short list. I know you couldn't have known my position, 'cause you're not that stupid, that if you did, you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your ass with that "what's going on here?" look slapped all over your chevy-chase! But what you do know … is where these people live.
[Rory swings around his chair, gets up and straightens his jacket]
If you hold back anything, I'll kill you. If you bend the truth, or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill you. If you forget anything, I'll kill you. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now, do you understand everything I've said?
Your stupidity may be your one saving grace.
Uuugh?
Don't "uuugh" me, Greek boy! How is it, that your soon to be dead friends thought they might be able to steal my canabis, and then sell it back to me? Is this some white ****'s joke, that black ****s don't get? Coz I ain't ****in' laughing Nich-ohl-arse.
Security #1
[upon seeing Eddie and friends]
Invitations.
Invitations?
Security #2
Yeah, invitations. You know, four pretty white pieces of paper with your names on.
Well, we've got a 100.000 bits of paper with the Queen's head on. Will that do?
Security #2
All right, just you. The others, they can wait next door in Samoan Jo's.
Samoan Jo's, you mean the pub? Hold on …
Security #2
[interrupting Eddie]
Hold on to your **** tongue, and I will hold on to my patience, okay, sonny? No one in here tonight but card players, and I do mean no one.
Have a look at these. [hands Tom a ski mask]
What are we supposed to do with these?
Put them on your head, stupid.
Christ.
If you think I'm turning up clean-shaven and greet them with a grin, you've got another thing coming. These fellas are your neighbors. I thought it might be a good idea to disguise ourselves.
Right...er, good thinking, Soap. Well done.
I brought weapons as well.
What do you mean weapons?
Jesus! [grabs the bundle and rerolls it] Let's keep 'em covered up, eh? Couldn't you get anything bigger?
I think you need help.
Rory Breaker? That psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?
That would be the same man, yes.
Where the **** are they going?... Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Where did they get those outfits?
Tom, Bacon
Not a bad idea, that.
Where'd you get these? A **** museum?
Nick the Greek.
How much did you part with?
700 for the pair.
Drachmas, I hope. I'd feel safer with a chicken drumstick. These are gonna do more harm than good.
When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Bacon, see what we've got.
Let's have a butcher's, eh?
[He inspects the loot]
We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
What?
I think he's still alive -- he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?
I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
I don't know! Use your imagination!
I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? You knock him out.
I **** hate traffic wardens.
[After a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless.]
Listen to this one: You open a company called the Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club.
You what?
You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, you sell it with, I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", "the latest and greatest in sexual technology", "guaranteed results or your money back", all that bollocks. Now these dils cost twenty-five quid a pop - as a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipients. But they send their cheques to the other company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five quid. You take that twenty-five quid, you stick it in the bank until it clears. Now this is the smart bit - you send back the cheque for twenty-five pound from the other company name, "Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club", saying, "We're sorry, we couldn't get the supplies from America because they run out of stock". Now you see how many people cash that cheque - not a single soul, because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not paying cheques?
So how long do you have to wait until you see a return?
Probably no more than four weeks.
A month? So, what **** good is that if we need it in six - no, five days?
Well, it's still a good idea.