Heathers (1989) · 83 quotes
Most-quoted character in Heathers (1989): in 41 of its 83 quotes
Most scenes with: J.D. (8), Heather McNamara (5), Heather Chandler (4)
My parents wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade, but we decided to chuck the idea because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah. Now blah, blah, blah is all I ever do. I use my grand IQ to decide what color lip gloss to wear in the morning and how to hit three keggers before curfew...
Veronica Sawyer Dear Diary: Heather says she teaches people real life, she says "real life sucks losers dry. If you wanna **** with the eagles, you have to learn to fly." I said, "So you teach people to spread their wings and fly?" She said, "Yes." I said, "You're beautiful."
Veronica Sawyer What is your damage, Heather?
Veronica Sawyer Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a **** psycho.
Veronica Sawyer Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that party.
Veronica Sawyer Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that funeral.
Veronica Sawyer This isn't just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.
Veronica Sawyer Tomorrow, I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass, but tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather, a world where I am free.
Veronica Sawyer I say we just grow up, be adults and die.
Veronica Sawyer If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host.
Veronica Sawyer Hi. I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler.. But hey, who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my High School to be a nice place... Amen... Did that sound bitchy?
Veronica Sawyer What's the up-chuck factor on that?
Veronica Sawyer Dear diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count. Everybody's sad...but it's kind of a weird kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?
Veronica Sawyer It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of Liquid Drano.
Veronica Sawyer Nothing can stop JD, not the FBI, the CIA or the PTA.
Veronica Sawyer How very.
Veronica Sawyer You know what I want, babe? *shoots J.D.* Cool guys like you out of my life.
Veronica Sawyer Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town.
God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?
Veronica Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians... Tator Tots. It's a real party continent.
Veronica Watch it Heather, you might be digesting food there.
Yeah, where's your urge to purge?
**** it.
Greetings and salutations... you a Heather?
Veronica No, I'm a Veronica.... Sawyer.
Veronica We're doing a poll. This may seem like a really stupid question...
There are no stupid questions.
Veronica You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?
That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.
God, they won't expel him, they'll just suspend him for a week or something.
He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.
Veronica No way. He used blanks. All J. D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants, maybe not even that. Can you bleach out urine stains?
Veronica Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.
You don't have anything for her either. Come on. It will be very. The note will give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.
Is your life perfect?
Veronica I'm on my way to a party at Remington University.... No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends.
I... I don't really like your friends either.
Veronica Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.
Maybe it's time to take a vacation.
You stupid ****.
Veronica You goddamn bitch.
I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.
Veronica Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.
Veronica's Dad Will someone tell me why I smoke these damn things?
Veronica Because you're an idiot.
Veronica's Dad Oh yeah, that's it.
Veronica I just killed my best friend.
And your worst enemy.
Veronica Same difference.
Suicide is a private thing.
Veronica You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. **** A. Today; that's about the least private thing I can think of.
Veronica If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
Probably.
Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.
Veronica Heather?
God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...
Veronica All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.
Veronica's Dad I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
Veronica Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?
Because I can be.
Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf?
Veronica I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like suicide.
Ah, now you're talking. I can be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.
Veronica You can't use that knife. That knife is filthy.
What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?
Veronica Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.
Veronica You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him. Gee, blank, I had a really nice...
Save the speeches for Malcolm X, I just want to get laid.
Veronica You don't deserve my **** speech.
Hi, everybody. Door was open. Veronica, did you hear? We were doing Chinese at the food fair, when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.
Veronica Is she dead?
No... that's the punchline. She's alive, and in stable condition. Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing miserably.
[Veronica slaps Heather] ...
Veronica I said I was sorry!
You were out of control! I mean Heather and Kurt were a shock but Martha Dumptruck? Get crucial! She was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers!
Veronica Ugh, shut up!
Veronica, you look like hell.
Veronica Yeah? I just got back.
Veronica Hey, Martha. My date for the prom kinda flaked out on me. I was wondering, If you weren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases and pop some popcorn.
I'd like that.
Veronica Yeah. Me too.
Veronica Oh my God! I just killed my best friend!
And your worst enemy!
Veronica Same difference!
What are we gonna tell the cops? "**** it if she can't take a joke, Sarge"?!
Veronica Oh, the cops! I can't believe this is my life! Oh my God! I'm gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford!
Ah, right. Just a little freaked here. Well, at least you got what ya wanted, ya know?
Veronica Got what I wanted?! It is one thing to want somebody out of your life! It is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer!
Do you think that just because you started this thing you can end it?!
Veronica I'll kill you! I'll **** kill you! I swear to God! How do I turn off the Goddamn bomb, asshole?!
Veronica It's all over, J.D.! Help me stop it!
You wanna clean the slate as much as I do! All right, so maybe I am killing everyone in the school, because nobody loves me! Let's face it, all right? The only place where different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven!
Veronica Which button do I press to turn it off?!
Try the red one, all right?! [gestures towards the bomb, which has three red buttons] Seriously, people are gonna look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there is a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society!" That's pretty deep, huh?
Veronica WHICH red button?!
Press the one in the middle to turn it off - if that's what you really want.
Veronica You know what I want, babe?
What?! [tries to attack but Veronica shoots him to stop the bomb]
Veronica Cool guys like you out of my life.
