The Joker You know, kids, a lot has changed while your old uncle Joker's been away: new Gotham, new rules, even a new Batman; but now I'm tanned, I'm rested, and I'm ready to give this old town a wedgie again.
Most-quoted character in Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (2000): in 24 of its 44 quotes
Most scenes with: Batman (Terry McGinnis) (7), Flashback (7), Bruce Wayne (3)
Ah, brave new world, that has such putzes in it.
More lines from The Joker
10 quotes The Joker The Joker Hello Gotham, Joker's back in town. [laughs]
The Joker [meeting the new Batman]
Ah, the new boy: ears are too long and I miss the cape but not too shabby, not too shabby at all; Woof.
The Joker [to Bruce]
Oh no, your old eyes do not deceive you, Brucie; after all, who'd know me better than you?
The Joker [to Bruce]
Don't get up, Bruce, it's just an old friend come by to say hello. Hello, Batman. [laughing]
The Joker This is one of Uncle Sam's orbiting defense satellites: Hyperion-class, laser armed, handy little gadget for shooting down unfriendly missiles or giving someone a world-class hotfoot. [simulation of the satellite firing down on Gotham] Think of it as urban tagging on a grand scale reminding all and sundry that this is Joker territory; you're welcome to try and stop us but, [chuckles] I'm not taking bets on that happening anytime soon, toodle.
The Joker Aren't you the nasty tattletale, ratting me out before I have my fun? [prepares to fire the satellite laser] Papa spank.
The Joker [preparing to fire the satellite laser]
So where should I make Ground Zero, Gotham General, where our hero's dear little Dana is recuperating, or here, in the happy garden of Mrs. Mary McGinnis? I always think it adds resonance to a hero's mission to have some defining element of tragedy in his background, don't you? Ah, but the one and only kickoff point must be stately Wayne Manor: gone in a flash before Brucie can hobble to safety or mount a rescue, don't worry though; I'll be hitting those other spots soon enough.
The Joker [after shocking Ace]
End of the line, Snoopy.
The Joker Adios, Brucie; I guess I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that but the truth is, I really did hate your guts. [blows raspberry]
Scenes with The Joker
13 scenes
Chucko
Batman showed up and we had to ditch, but we were able to save this: the console's memory board. [Chucko slides the board to Joker, who is sitting across the table. Joker catches it.] I know it's not much, but-
The Joker It's not much? It's nothing. [smashes the memory board] Losers, all of you, a disgrace to the name Joker, why in my day...
Bonk
In your day?! Ever since you conned your way into this gang it's been "in your day" this, "in your day" that.
Chucko
[uneasily]
Bonk.
Bonk
Your day is over, old man, even if you are who you say you are; and personally, I think you're a fake.
The Joker Ah, brave new world, that has such putzes in it.
Bonk
He's got us running around, ripping out a lot of geek junk, but no cash! He won't tell us what his plan is, even if he has one! I want out!
The Joker [Amused, the Joker pulls out a gun.]
If you insist... [the other Jokerz gasp]
Bonk
[scared]
Hey, man, take it easy! I-I was, I was just kidding!
The Joker [The Joker fires, but a flag with the word BANG! pops out of the end of the gun.]
So was I! [The Joker chuckles and waves the gun, then shoots the flag into Bonk's chest] Oops! No I wasn't! That's also how we did it in my day. You know, kids, a lot has changed since your old Uncle Joker's been away: new Gotham, new rules, even a new Batman. But now I'm tanned, I'm rested, and I'm ready to give this town a wedgie again! I have to know you're with me. Will you say it for me one time?
Jokerz
[terrified]
We're with you!
The Joker A little louder.
Jokerz
[louder]
We're with you!
The Joker Dee-Dee?
We're with you!
The Joker Boys?
Chucko and Ghoul
We're with you!
The Joker Bonk? Oh, right. Dead! [pauses and grins brightly] Dee-Dee, be a lamb and sweep out the trash. There's a good girls! [Dee-Dee Twins manage to get Bonk off of the table] Your renewed faith puts a smile in my heart! Let's say we forget about tonight's mishap and start over?
Chucko
Great, Boss!
The Joker Ghoul, m'boy, we're gonna need a new systems scanner; who's got one that they'd be willing to donate?
Ghoul
Checking... What we're after is cutting edge. It's the only other place we can find one.
The Joker [Reading off a list.]
Hmmm... Nope. Nuh-uh. Nope. [Finally finding a candidate.] Ah!
Ghoul
What? There? Security's gonna be tight.
The Joker Oh, yes! But think of the fun!
It can't be.
The Joker Oh no. Your old eyes do not deceive you, Brucie! After all, [whispers] who'd know me better than you?
Where's the Joker?
Joker?
Drop the act, I know you are working for him.
No, Joker's gone. I don't know where he is, really.
The suit's sensors aren't picking up any pulse fluctuations. He's telling the truth.
I don't do this anymore. I have a home and family. I gave this up years ago. Kids' stuff, that's all it was.
He may be telling the truth, but he's still wacked.
Fun and games. Boy wonder playing the hero. Fighting the bad guys and no one ever gets...(then suddenly realizes) Oh God, (puts his hands on his head) I killed him. I didn't mean to. I tried so hard to forget, but I still hear the shot, still see his dead smile. Every night, the dreams get stronger. He's there when I sleep, whispering, laughing, telling me that I'm as bad as he is! We're both the same!
I'm calling an ambulance.
No, I'm alright. Forgive me, Terry. Old nasty memories twisting inside me like bad oysters. Nothing really. I'm perfectly fine now.
How do you know my name?
There's nothing about you I don't know, Batfake.
[Timothy throws the steel ball he's holding, which turns into an electric claw and grabs Terry by the arm, Terry collapses to the ground, immobilized.]
Terry!
Have a timeout, kid, can't let you spoil the party too soon. And Bruce, I'm sure you've got your monkey-boy wired somehow. That's just peachy, cause I want you to see every minute of this; it's a killer.
[Laughs, holding his head, and after a while, transforms into the Joker, and when he does so, he laughs as himself]
My God!
The Joker [Takes off the lab coat, showing the purple tights underneath]
Ooh, I never get tired of that.
Drake, you're the Joker?
The Joker [does a slight chuckle]
That flabby oaf doesn't realize I'm using him as a timeshare. Beneath this puckish exterior lies the mind of a genius years ahead of my time. In the weeks young Robin was under my tutelage, I used him as the subject of my greatest experiment: utilizing cutting-edge genetics technology, which I had pinched here and there, I encoded my DNA on a microchip and set it into BirdBoy's BirdBrain, [points to a dot on the back of his neck] here. Everything that was me has been'a sleeping all comfy and cozy inside Tim Drake's subconscious. At first I had to limit the time I spent in Drake's body. He's not aware of what I do, chalking up lingering memories to bad dreams. If his family misses him, I simply call wifey and tell her, [Imitating Drake's voice] "I'm working late, honey." [Goes back to his own voice] The changes come at will now, and soon I'll be strong enough to live in this body permanently. Mr. J's on the rebound, baby! My comeback party's gonna set the whole town on fire!
The Joker So, where should I make Ground Zero? Gotham General, where our hero's dear little Dana is recuperating? Or here, in the happy garden of Mrs. Mary McGinnis? I always think it adds resonance to a hero's mission to have some defining element of tragedy in his background, don't you?
The Joker [Terry glares at the Joker]
Ahh! But the one and only kickoff point must be stately Wayne Manor. Gone in a flash before Brucie can hobble to safety or mount a rescue. Don't worry, though. I'll be hitting those other spots soon enough. [after targeting Wayne Manor] Adios, Brucie. I suppose I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that, but the truth is I really did hate your guts. [blows a raspberry at Bruce, then turns to Terry] How about you, kid? Any last words for the old Bat-fart? [referring to Bruce] ["Bat-fart" becomes "Bat-coot" in the edited version]
Yeah. Sic 'im!
[Ace arrives on cue and attacks the Joker]
The Joker [notices the satellite laser is heading for the abandoned candy factory]
Oh, good! The beam's headed here! Now I'll have to start all over again. Thanks for wrecking everything, kid. [Turns to leave] See ya 'round.
Hold it! [Grabs Joker's wrist]
The Joker Oh wise up, junior, GAME'S OVER!
I'm taking you in!
The Joker [laughing]
Right! [punches Batman several times and throws him onto table, which breaks under his weight] You're out of your league, McGinnis. I know every trick the original Batman and Robin knew at their peak.
Maybe. But you don't know a thing about me.
The Joker YOU?! What's to know?! You're a punk! A rank amateur! A costumed errand boy taking orders from a senile old man. Still, if it's a whupping you're a-wantin'...
The Joker [He rolls up his sleeves, and Terry runs to the door]
That's right. Better run and save yourself... it's about your speed. [Terry closes the door, then breaks the switch to prevent escape]
Let's dance, bozo.
[As they fight, Joker gets the upper hand] [To Bruce, through comlink]
He's tough. Any suggestions, boss?
Joker's vain and likes to talk. He'll try to distract you, but don't listen. Block it out and power on through.
Wait. I like to talk too.
The Joker [They fight, and Terry knees the Joker in the gut]
What're you doing?!
Fighting dirty.
The Joker The REAL Batman would never-- [Terry pushes the knee in further]
Told you, ya didn't know me.
The Joker Funny guy...
Can't say the same for you. [shoves the Joker so that his gut hits a table]
The Joker Impudent brat. Who do you think you're talking to?
Not a comedian, I'll tell you that.
The Joker [draws a laser pistol]
Shut your mouth! [fires at Batman]
[retreats into the rafters]
The real Batman never talked to you much, did he? That's probably why you were so fixated on him. [tosses a batarang, knocking the gun out of Joker's hand]
The Joker Don't play psychoanalyst with me, boy!
Oh, I don't need a degree to figure you out. [hits the lights with a batarang, turning them off] The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man.
The Joker I'm not hearing this...
Get a clue, clowny! He's got no sense of humor! He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape. Not that you ever had a good joke.
The Joker [really getting angry]
Shut up... Shut up!
I mean, joy buzzers, squirting flowers? Lame! Where's the "A" material? Make a face, drop your pants, something!
The Joker Show yourself!
You make me laugh. But only 'cause I think you're kinda pathetic. [mimics the Joker's laugh]
The Joker Stop that!
So you fell in a tank of acid, got your skin bleached and decided to become a supervillain. What, you couldn't get work as a rodeo clown? [laughs mockingly]
The Joker [grabs some grenades]
Don't you dare laugh at me!...
The Joker [throwing grenades]
YOU'RE NOT BATMAN!!
The Joker [as he takes off Batman's mask and strangles him, he laughs]
C'mon, McGinnis! Laugh it up now, you miserable little punk! LAUGH! [in a sing-song tone] I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Ha... ha. [jabs joybuzzer into the back of the Joker's neck, As the Joker screams in pain frying the microchip and destroying the Joker forever, before Terry puts his mask back on]
Commissioner Barbara Gordon
[beginning the flashback]
I thought talking about it would get easier over time, but some hurts never go away. Dick Grayson - Nightwing - had left to establish himself in another city. There were three of us then: Bruce, myself, and Robin... Tim Drake. [Robin is seen gliding over Gotham's rooftops] Robin was out alone that night when he came upon a woman in trouble.
Woman
Help! Help! Somebody, please help!
Robin
Hero time! [grapples down to the ground and knocks out two thugs] That evens things up a little.
[The "woman in trouble" is soon revealed to be Harley Quinn...]
Not really, bird-boy! [knocks Robin out with her mallet, as the Joker enters the scene]
The Joker [chuckles]
A bird in the hand...
Commissioner Barbara Gordon
[narrating, as Batman and Batgirl search for Robin]
We soon realized Tim was missing. Night after night, we scoured the city, running down every lead, pressing every underworld connection... but no one had seen any sign of Robin. For three agonizing weeks, there was nothing. Then, one night, we were sent an invitation...
[Batman and Batgirl arrive on a rooftop, seeing a jack-in-the-box. Batman opens it with a batarang, but the "jack" triggers a grenade, exploding the box. In the remains, Batman picks up a straitjacket, realizing where Robin is...]
Arkham.
Commissioner Barbara Gordon
[narrating]
The asylum had been moved to a newer high-security building. The old building had been partially demolished, and hung open like a rotting wound.
The Joker You know, Bats, we've been doing this little runaround of ours for years. It's been loads of laughs, but sad fact is, none of us are getting any younger.
That old clock's a'tickin'!
The Joker Quite right, poo. And Harley and I thought it was time to start a family. Add a "Joker Junior" to our merry brood.
But rather than go through all the joys of childbirth, [makes disgusted face] we decided to adopt.
The Joker We couldn't do it legally, but then we remembered that you always have a few spare kids lying around — so we borrowed one.
Batgirl
My God!
The Joker He needed a little molding, of course; what kid doesn't? But, in time, we came to love him as our own. Say hello, J.J.!
[Robin appears from the shadows, mutilated to look like the Joker and laughing mindlessly]
The Joker What's the matter, Batman? No witty comeback? No threat? Then I'll provide the narration... [the screen flickers to life, showing "Our Family Memories"] I'll begin with how I peeled back the layers of the boy's mind. [In the edited version, he says, "I'll begin with how I affected young Robin's makeover."] Oh, he bravely tried to fight it at first. You would've been proud to see him so strong - but all too soon, the serums and the shocks took their toll... and the dear lad began to share such secrets with me. [In the edited cut, "the serums and the shocks took their toll... and" was cut] Secrets that are mine alone to know... Bruce. It's true, Batsy! I know everything. And kinda like the kid who peeks at his Christmas presents, I must admit, it's sadly anti-climactic. Behind all the sturm and batarang, you're just a little boy in a playsuit, crying for mommy and daddy! It'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic. [pause] Oh, what the heck, I'll laugh anyway! HA HA HA HA HA HAA!
The Joker If you don't like the movie, I've got slides.
I'll break you in two...
The Joker Oh, Batman, if you had the guts for that kind of fun, you'd have done it years ago. I on the other hand... [The Joker produces a knife from his sleeve, cuts Batman across the chest and stabs it in above his knee, or in the edited cut, he just punches him; in either case, he jumps down to the wounded Batman] You've lost, Batman. Robin is mine. The last sound you'll hear will be our laughter.
The Joker [Director's Cut version] [tosses the bang flag spear gun to Tim]
Here you go, sonny boy! [Tim grabs the gun] Make daddy proud: deliver the punchline.
[Tim aims the gun at Batman, then pulls the trigger and a "Bang!" flag pops up harmlessly]
Tim...
The Joker [Tim pauses a bit, still laughing]
DO IT!
The Joker [Tim laughs for a bit, but slowly breaks out of the brainwashing effect, then turns around and fires the gun at the Joker instead, where the flag spear pierces his heart, and he gets flown and knocked into giant building blocks] [dying]
That's not funny... that's not...
[The Joker gets choked up in blood, then falls to the floor, dead; As Barbara runs in, Tim's insane laughter quickly becomes uncontrollable sobbing and he falls to his knees]
The Joker [Edited version] [tosses laughing gas gun to Tim]
Here you go, sonny boy! [Tim grabs the gun] Make him one of us!
[Tim aims the gun at Batman, He lowers the gun, then throws it away Bruce smiles but the Joker snarls. Tim still laughing tackles the Joker into the next room with tanks of water near electrical wiring, where he crashes into one and tries going after Tim but slips and turns on the electrical wiring; scene cuts to far away from the room, where the Joker's horrific death scream is heard, As Barbara runs in, Tim's insane laughter quickly becomes uncontrollable sobbing and he falls to his knees]
