Tex quotes from Willy's Wonderland (2021)

Jed

You want God to laugh, you tell him your plans. [laughs]

Tex

Howdy there, partner. My name is Tex, same as the state. Got the handle Macadoo. Welcome to Willy’s Wonderland.

Jed

Yeah, he don’t talk much.

Tex

And I respect that. I enjoy a man of few words. [Janitor looks at the graffiti] Well, business is not what it used to be, but I am fixing to reopen and make Willy’s better than ever. Anyway, enough horseshit. Here’s my offer. You spend the night cleaning Willy’s Wonderland and I will pay to have your car fixed. I go on in tomorrow, you come out of there, and your ride will be ready for you right there. Deal? [The Janitor stares at the "Willy's Wonderland" sign] If not, I got places to be. [Tex chuckles] All right. All right. [He chuckles] Let’s go inside.

Jed

Good luck, mister.

Tex

Watch your step. Check this out. [He turns on the T.V.]

Hey, kids, it’s Willy the Weasel. Welcome to my wonderland. Come on down and meet the gang. We’ve got Arty the Alligator, Siren Sara, Cammy the Chameleon, Gus Gorilla, Knighty Knight, Ozzie the Ostrich, and Tito the Turtle.[singing with other animatronics] It’s your birthday, so let’s party, everyone. It’s your birthday and we want you to have fun. It’s your birthday, so let’s party, everyone.

Tex

We had some great times. Kids laughing, smiling, eating hot dogs, opening presents. You know the story, right? Well, some of these little bastards start crawling over the characters, they get hurt. A couple of lawsuits later from Mommy Safety Organizations and wham, bam, thank you, ma’am, we’re out of business. Shut us right down. [opens the janitor's closet] Damn thing always gets jammed. [sighs, turning on the light] Yeah. This stuff oughta do the trick. Broom, mop, bucket, drain snake, Windex, rags, whatever you need, we got it. [presents a Willy's Wonderland shirt] Oh, lookee here. Congratulations. You are officially on staff. [sighs] Well, pal, it’s gonna be dark soon. I’ll be back in the morning with that car of yours dapper and ready to drive or my name is not Tex Macadoo. [chuckles] Help yourself to whatever you can find in the kitchen. It’s on the house. And be sure to take breaks. Always good to pace yourself. That’s it. Good luck.

Tex

Damn.

Jed

I thought you quit.

Tex

My last one. [sighs] Piece of shit. [throws the lighter at the dumpster] All right, let’s get the hell outta here. I can’t stand to hear a grown man scream.

Sheriff Lund

You ever use your sidearm?

Deputy Olson

Oh. In training. But these are just punk kids, right? What, vandalizing and loitering? I doubt we’ll need to drop ’em.

Sheriff Lund

It’s not the kids. It’s Willy.

Deputy Olson

The dancing rat? [laughs] Okay. I get it. I get it. The boys told you to pull a fast one on me. Bravo. Nice try.

Sheriff Lund

It ain’t no prank. This is real as it gets. I guaran-damn-tee you that. See, in town, we knew what was happening at Willy’s. We knew there was something supernatural going on. We bellowed to the high heavens that the machines were evil. No one believed us. They thought we were yokels. Tex eventually hired a demolition crew to destroy Willy’s, except the day before bulldozers were set to roll, Eric Miller, the contractor, was found in bed as chewed up as a McDonald’s hamburger. His whole family too. After that, there wasn’t a man alive that would take the job. The town decided that maybe it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. We told everybody just to stay away from there. We figured we’d just let it rot. But rabid dogs don’t sleep when they’re hungry. The machines got out. We found bodies at the ice cream shop, the hardware store, and even the school. We had a real Hobson’s choice on our hands. You know what that is?

Deputy Olson

No.

Sheriff Lund

No choice at all. We could either go to war with the machines, come off like crazy people, probably lose a lot of good folk along the way, or…

Deputy Olson

Or what?

Sheriff Lund

We cut a deal. [flashback, to the animatronics] Leave our people be. Leave our children be. Leave our town be, and… and we will feed you.

Jed

Well, the good news is, I can fix it. The bad news is, it’s gonna have to sit 'til I get the part. Now, Hayesville’s one hotel’s booked. But I do have a place you can stay tonight. Now, it ain’t the Ritz, but it’s a roof and it’s free if you’re willing to do a little light cleaning.

Tex

Best place for a birthday party you’ve ever seen. [to bikers] Heck, it once was, but we’re gonna fix it. [to a Hippie couple] Bring her back to life. Congratulations. You... are... officially... on staff.

Sheriff Lund

We lived up to our end of the bargain and they kept theirs. We tried to find people who wouldn’t be missed. [flashback, Knighty Knight decapitates the homeless man] People with low moral character. [flashback, Cammy Chameleon wraps her tongue around the Hippie couple] And some people who were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. [flashback, the Hawthornes scream] Things didn’t always go exactly as planned. I usually pride myself on being able to expect the unexpected. [In the flashback, Sheriff Lund and Tex find little Liv in the janitor's closet, crying] But sometimes, life throws you a zinger. Well, this was the zinger of all zingers. [flashback, to little Liv] Good night, darling. Sweet dreams. [present] I never saw it coming.

Deputy Olson

So, that’s why we’re going?

Sheriff Lund

Liv. Much as she pisses me off, I couldn’t live with losing that girl.

Tex

I gotta tell you, my hat’s off. That is one tough hombre. [chuckles. Both he and Jed laugh]

Jed

Whoo! Well, it’s over.

Tex

Yeah.

Jed

Oh, my God, it’s actually over!

Tex

Hell, yeah, it is, boy. Hell, yeah, it is. Hey, come on. I’m gonna give you a ride. We gonna celebrate. I’m buying.

Jed

Sounds good.

Tex

It’s our lucky day. [Both he and Jed laugh] Oh, man. Hey, with the machines gone, I just might actually reopen it.

Jed

You gonna need a gimmick.

Tex

And a name. Maybe Tex’s Turf.

Jed Love

That could sing. Maybe get you a mechanical bull.

Tex

Yeah.

Jed

Draw the customers in.

Tex

Yeah, yeah, I just… I just might. [They see Siren Sara in the rear view mirror] Oh, f@%k me.

Thanks for visiting Willy's Wonderland! Hope you had a fantabulous time! [lights the car, causing a massive explosion, which kills Tex and Jed as well as her, flinging her off. Willy's Wonderland also gets blown up]