Jed Love quotes from Willy's Wonderland (2021)

View Quote [to The Janitor] Yeah, I tell everybody that attempts the 50, there ain’t shit out here, but you gotta be prepared for anything. A bunch of fun-loving kids stole the zigzag out of the back of the sheriff’s pickup a month ago. Guess you found it for ’em. [He laughs] You know what some folks consider funny? Just ruin a man’s whole damn day. God’s honest truth. Now, where’d you say you’re from? Oh, you’re one of those guys that don’t wanna look back, huh? You’re one where the past lives in the past, huh? Yeah, I understand. No, I can’t blame you. I mean, we all got so much baggage. I just say, move forward. You’re a rolling stone. Yup. We had a car chase around here a while back. Some boy got up to 150 miles an hour, just launched it right off Tension’s Peak, man. It’s like a superhero. It went fwoom! Carnage was terrible. It was just… wow.

View Quote Hey, it’s gonna be about $250 for the tow, and we’ll need all four tires replaced. And there was something wrong with that chip, I think. But I can fix it for about $1,000. Yep. [The Janitor pulls a credit card out of his wallet] No, cash only. Uh-uh, no. And in advance. Yeah, I don’t take no plastic credit cards. [The Janitor sees an ATM machine with an "Out of order" sign] Oh, that over there. [Jed Love chuckles] Yeah, we ain’t got no internet in Hayesville. Yeah, so all the ATMs, they just don’t work. Yeah, we were gonna get it, but they just didn’t. [He laughs] You ain’t got the cash, huh? Now, ain’t that a dilly of a pickle? Hmm. You willing to work it off? Okay, then. I think I’ve got somebody who can accommodate.

View Quote [In the flashback, to The Hawthornes] Well, the good news is, I can fix it. The bad news is, it’s gonna have to sit 'til I get the part. Now, Hayesville’s one hotel’s booked. But I do have a place you can stay tonight. Now, it ain’t the Ritz, but it’s a roof and it’s free if you’re willing to do a little light cleaning.

View Quote Sheriff Lund: Will you just stop it?
Liv: Open the door!
Sheriff Lund: I’ll open the damn door. [opens the passenger door] What the hell is wrong with you? No! God damn it. [Jed Love pulls up with the Janitor] Hey, Jed, what’s up?
Jed: This old boy had the misfortune of finding your zigzags out there. I figured I’d bring ’em back to you.
Sheriff Lund: He all right?
Jed: Yeah, he’ll be all right. Tire’s not, but he’ll be fine. He had this pretty Camaro right here. Yes, yes, it was that ocean blue… [As he continues talking, The Janitor and Liv Hawthorne stare at each other]
Sheriff Lund: Jed, I’ll come by and get ’em later.
Jed: All turning around, spinning out, everything. He just slid right in there and then pop, pop…
Sheriff Lund: I don’t have time for this today, okay?
Jed: Yes, ma’am. [takes the Janitor to the garage]

View Quote Jed: [to the Janitor] You want God to laugh, you tell him your plans. [laughs]
Tex: [to the Janitor] Howdy there, partner. My name is Tex, same as the state. Got the handle Macadoo. Welcome to Willy’s Wonderland.
Jed: Yeah, he don’t talk much.
Tex: And I respect that. I enjoy a man of few words. [Janitor looks at the graffiti] Well, business is not what it used to be, but I am fixing to reopen and make Willy’s better than ever. Anyway, enough horseshit. Here’s my offer. You spend the night cleaning Willy’s Wonderland and I will pay to have your car fixed. I go on in tomorrow, you come out of there, and your ride will be ready for you right there. Deal? [The Janitor stares at the "Willy's Wonderland" sign] If not, I got places to be. [Tex chuckles] All right. All right. [He chuckles] Let’s go inside.
Jed: [to The Janitor] Good luck, mister.
[The door squeaks as Tex and the Janitor enter the restaurant]
Tex: Watch your step. Check this out. [He turns on the T.V.]
Willy Weasel: [in a commercial] Hey, kids, it’s Willy the Weasel. Welcome to my wonderland. Come on down and meet the gang. We’ve got Arty the Alligator, Siren Sara, Cammy the Chameleon, Gus Gorilla, Knighty Knight, Ozzie the Ostrich, and Tito the Turtle.[singing with other animatronics] It’s your birthday, so let’s party, everyone. It’s your birthday and we want you to have fun. It’s your birthday, so let’s party, everyone.
Tex: We had some great times. Kids laughing, smiling, eating hot dogs, opening presents. You know the story, right? Well, some of these little bastards start crawling over the characters, they get hurt. A couple of lawsuits later from Mommy Safety Organizations and wham, bam, thank you, ma’am, we’re out of business. Shut us right down. [opens the janitor's closet] Damn thing always gets jammed. [sighs, turning on the light] Yeah. This stuff oughta do the trick. Broom, mop, bucket, drain snake, Windex, rags, whatever you need, we got it. [presents a Willy's Wonderland shirt] Oh, lookee here. Congratulations. You are officially on staff. [sighs] Well, pal, it’s gonna be dark soon. I’ll be back in the morning with that car of yours dapper and ready to drive or my name is not Tex Macadoo. [chuckles] Help yourself to whatever you can find in the kitchen. It’s on the house. And be sure to take breaks. Always good to pace yourself. That’s it. Good luck.

View Quote [Tex chains the doors shut. He walks over to his truck]
Tex: [exhales, trying to light cigar] Damn.
Jed: I thought you quit.
Tex: My last one. [sighs] Piece of shit. [throws the lighter at the dumpster] All right, let’s get the hell outta here. I can’t stand to hear a grown man scream.

View Quote Sheriff Lund: You ever use your sidearm?
Deputy Olson: Oh. In training. But these are just punk kids, right? What, vandalizing and loitering? I doubt we’ll need to drop ’em.
Sheriff Lund: It’s not the kids. It’s Willy.
Deputy Olson: The dancing rat? [laughs] Okay. I get it. I get it. The boys told you to pull a fast one on me. Bravo. Nice try.
Sheriff Lund: It ain’t no prank. This is real as it gets. I guaran-damn-tee you that. See, in town, we knew what was happening at Willy’s. We knew there was something supernatural going on. We bellowed to the high heavens that the machines were evil. No one believed us. They thought we were yokels. Tex eventually hired a demolition crew to destroy Willy’s, except the day before bulldozers were set to roll, Eric Miller, the contractor, was found in bed as chewed up as a McDonald’s hamburger. His whole family too. After that, there wasn’t a man alive that would take the job. The town decided that maybe it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. We told everybody just to stay away from there. We figured we’d just let it rot. But rabid dogs don’t sleep when they’re hungry. The machines got out. We found bodies at the ice cream shop, the hardware store, and even the school. We had a real Hobson’s choice on our hands. You know what that is?
Deputy Olson: No.
Sheriff Lund: No choice at all. We could either go to war with the machines, come off like crazy people, probably lose a lot of good folk along the way, or…
Deputy Olson: Or what?
Sheriff Lund: We cut a deal. [flashback, to the animatronics] Leave our people be. Leave our children be. Leave our town be, and… and we will feed you.
[flashback, Jed picks up the Hawthornes]
Jed: Well, the good news is, I can fix it. The bad news is, it’s gonna have to sit 'til I get the part. Now, Hayesville’s one hotel’s booked. But I do have a place you can stay tonight. Now, it ain’t the Ritz, but it’s a roof and it’s free if you’re willing to do a little light cleaning.
Tex: [to the Hawthornes] Best place for a birthday party you’ve ever seen. [to bikers] Heck, it once was, but we’re gonna fix it. [to a Hippie couple] Bring her back to life. Congratulations. You... are... officially... on staff.
Sheriff Lund: We lived up to our end of the bargain and they kept theirs. We tried to find people who wouldn’t be missed. [flashback, Knighty Knight decapitates the homeless man] People with low moral character. [flashback, Cammy Chameleon wraps her tongue around the Hippie couple] And some people who were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. [flashback, the Hawthornes scream] Things didn’t always go exactly as planned. I usually pride myself on being able to expect the unexpected. [In the flashback, Sheriff Lund and Tex find little Liv in the janitor's closet, crying] But sometimes, life throws you a zinger. Well, this was the zinger of all zingers. [flashback, to little Liv] Good night, darling. Sweet dreams. [present] I never saw it coming.
Deputy Olson: So, that’s why we’re going?
Sheriff Lund: Liv. Much as she pisses me off, I couldn’t live with losing that girl.

View Quote Tex: I gotta tell you, my hat’s off. That is one tough hombre. [chuckles. Both he and Jed laugh]
Jed: [coughs] Whoo! Well, it’s over.
Tex: Yeah.
Jed: Oh, my God, it’s actually over!
Tex: Hell, yeah, it is, boy. Hell, yeah, it is. Hey, come on. I’m gonna give you a ride. We gonna celebrate. I’m buying.
Jed: Sounds good.
Tex: It’s our lucky day. [Both he and Jed laugh] Oh, man. Hey, with the machines gone, I just might actually reopen it.
Jed: You gonna need a gimmick.
Tex: And a name. Maybe Tex’s Turf.
Jed Love: That could sing. Maybe get you a mechanical bull.
Tex: Yeah.
Jed: Draw the customers in.
Tex: Yeah, yeah, I just… I just might. [They see Siren Sara in the rear view mirror] Oh, f@%k me.
Siren Sara: [leaning on the back of the car] Thanks for visiting Willy's Wonderland! Hope you had a fantabulous time! [lights the car, causing a massive explosion, which kills Tex and Jed as well as her, flinging her off. Willy's Wonderland also gets blown up]