Russ Cargill Mr. President?
PS President Schwarzenegger
Ja, dat is me.
Russ Cargill Pollution in Springfield has reached crisis levels.
PS President Schwarzenegger
Oh, I hate this job! Everything's "crisis" this and "end of the world" that! Nobody opens with a joke! I miss Danny DeVito.
Russ Cargill You want a joke, huh? Stop me if you've heard... THIS one!
PS President Schwarzenegger
[He holds up a cage containing the squirrel mutated by the polluted lake]
Aaah! Look at those angry eyes and giant teeth! It's like Christmas at the Kennedy Compound!
Russ Cargill You know, sir, when you made me head to the EPA, you were applauded for appointing one of the most successful men of the America to the least successful agency in government. And why did I take the job? Cause I'm a rich man, and wanted to give something back. Not the money, but something. So here's our chance to kick some ass for Mother Earth!
PS President Schwarzenegger
I'm listening.
Russ Cargill [gets out five files]
Well, I've narrowed your choices down to five unthinkable options. Each will cause untold misery and--
PS President Schwarzenegger
I pick number three!
Russ Cargill You don't wanna read them first?
PS President Schwarzenegger
I was elected to lead, not to read. Number three!
SM Sideshow Mel
[After the dome is placed over Springfield] [hitting the dome with his bone]
What ruthless madmen could have done this to us?!
Russ Cargill The United States Government. [appears on a holographic screen on the side of the dome] My name is Russ Cargill. I'm head of the EPA.
[Everyone murmurs in confusion]
The what?
Russ Cargill The Environmental Protection Agency.
Russ Cargill Look, I'm a man on a big TV! Just listen! Springfield has become...
RS Random Springfield Citizen
Woo! Springfield!
Russ Cargill ...the most polluted city in the history of the planet.
Russ Cargill To prevent your poisons from spreading, the government has sealed you all within this dome. Believe me, it's the last thing we wanted to do. I mean, I do own the company that made the dome, but that's beside the point.
What, are you telling us we're trapped like rats?!
Russ Cargill No, rats couldn't be trapped this easily. You're trapped like... carrots.
Wait! We couldn't be more polluted - everyone stopped dumping in the lake.
Russ Cargill Apparently, someone didn't get the message.
[to Plopper]
Act natural.
Hey, buddy, sooner or later, people are gonna come by and discover this!
Russ Cargill You don't need to worry about that. We found a way to take you off the map.
GV GPS Voice
[cuts to a man in his car with a GPS map]
Coming up on your right... [Springfield is removed from the map] nothing.
ES EPA Soldier
I'm afraid we lost them, sir.
Russ Cargill Dammit!!!
Russ Cargill [Cargill throws his binoculars at the EPA soldier, who cowers in fear. The binoculars bounce back off the dome and hit Cargill in the face.]
Well then you find 'em, and you get 'em back in the dome! And to make sure nobody else gets out, I want roving death squads around the perimeter 24-7! I want 10,000 tough guys, and I want 10,000 soft guys to make the tough guys look tougher! And here's how I want them arranged: tough, soft, tough, tough, soft, tough, soft, soft, tough, tough, soft, soft, tough, soft.
ES EPA Soldier
[pause]
Sir, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power.
Russ Cargill Of course I have. Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring, no one listens to you!
Russ Cargill [Russ Cargill levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]
Hello, Homer.
So, we meet at last... whoever-you-are.
Cargill There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School. One is how to cope with defeat; the other is how to handle a shotgun. I'm going to do both right now.
Wait! If you kill my dad, you'll never know where the treasure is buried.
Cargill What treasure?
The treasure of... Ima Weiner!
Cargill "I'm a weiner"?
[Homer and Bart laugh]
Classic!
Cargill Well, always leave 'em laughing. Goodbye, sir.
[Cargill aims the shotgun at Homer and is about to fire, when a large rock falls on his head and knocks him out. Maggie reveals herself as the one who whacked him out.]
Maggie! What a great little accident you turned out to be!
